5 Ways to Avoid Relationship "Potholes"

Parade recently published an article titled Happily Ever After: The New Science Behind Wedded Bliss. I’ve summarized the article and added a few comments of my own.

1. Remember That You’re a Team

Parade says:

Avoid behavior that cause division. Thomas Bradbury, Ph.D advises couples to “remember that you’re in this together. It’s not you against each other. It’s both of you against the world.”

More than 40 years ago, relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D. identified four negative behaviors that could predict divorce with over 90% accuracy: criticism, defensiveness, contempt (e.g. rolling your eyes), and stonewalling (a.k.a. the silent treatment). Studies show that stress is the best predictor of how negatively couples behave with each other.

The Sigma Male says:

A Protector does not attack his wife.

It is impossible to become your wife’s dragonslayer when you are one of her dragons.

When the wife of a Sigma Male experiences stress, he defends her by slaying dragons and goes on offense by maintaining a complete, protective wall.

In stark contrast, when the wife of a Modern Man experiences stress, he will interpret her response as a personal attack, making himself the victim. If he is oversensitive he will defend himself and go on offense by attacking her.

In order to protect your wife, the Sigma Mindset requires you to shed the victim mindset once and for all and develop the masculine attitude that you are tougher than she is. If your wife thinks she is tougher than you, you have a problem. 

If you are more easily wounded than your wife, she will never believe you can be strong enough to protect her. If she believes you are more sensitive than she is, you have a big problem. 

Men, make the simple choice: don’t whine as a victim. Instead, choose to protect as a Sigma. (The Sigma Male, pp. 138-139)

2. Try a Little Tenderness

Parade says:

It’s not just words that help or hurt a marriage. Couples who regularly apply a positive “affect” (the outward display of emotion) are more likely to be happy than those who can’t. For example, using a warm tone of voice versus turning away. This means that you can make up for losing your cool in other ways.

The Sigma Male says:

This is an extension of item #1. Being a Protector automatically engenders natural sensitivity and tenderness.

Men don’t need more sensitivity training. They need to learn how to reclaim their masculinity, because when a man learns true masculinity – to protect – true sensitivity emerges of its own accord. 

If you are a father, recall the first time your child was placed in your arms. Her limbs were wrapped snugly in a blanket because she did not have the strength to hold them steady on her own. Her hands, pink and wrinkled, opened and closed as she sought contact with the massive hand you offered her. She was completely vulnerable, utterly reliant on you to care for her and protect her from a cold, alien world that was apathetic to her basic needs. Your heart immediately responded. In an instant, you chose to protect her no matter the cost while marveling that anyone would even allow you to try.Once a man realizes he has a duty to protect, it becomes natural – almost easy – to selflessly accomplish this task. (The Sigma Male, p. 157)

3. Soften Conflict with Humor

Parade says:

Laughter can go a long way toward defusing tension during negative interactions, according to Sarah Holley, Ph.D., director of the Relationships, Emotion, and Health Lab at San Francisco State University. A light moment can keep an argument from spiraling out of control.

The Sigma Male says:

Both men and women list humor as one of the top 10 characteristics looked for in finding a mate. But humor can only be used effectively when you are in control of your emotions. Otherwise, a quip will come across as being sharp or laced with sarcasm. Initially showing a degree of stoicism — the ability to appear unfazed when others around you are losing their cool — is essential. When you’re calm and collected a funny statement can give others a way to cope with a stress-filled moment. It has the same effect as dropping a gag in the middle of a horror flick: temporary relief of tension.

4. Support — But Don’t Smother

Parade says:

“Social support” is vital to marriage happiness. University of Iowa psychologist Erika ­Lawrence has identified four kinds of support: emotional (listening, holding hands), tangible (dealing with the kids or helping with a ­partner’s chores), esteem (“Honey, I know you can do this!”), and informational (giving ­advice). The trick is knowing which your spouse wants.

Experts suggest couples need to ask for the type of response they require.

The Sigma Male says:

Having a spouse tell you what they actually need is great — it just doesn’t happen that often. This is why dragonslaying requires two skillets: identification and action. Men tend to jump to the action stage before they know what the problem really is, which causes that anger and resentment attached to “giving advice.”

Empathetic listening is an important skill to develop in actually identifying the cause of your spouse’s stress. Mirroring back what you hear is a good way to know if you have correctly identified the issue. After this, agreeing with the pain connected to the stress is essential (showing empathy).

Once your partner knows you recognize the problem, offer to take care of it. Most of the time the fact that you understand and empathize will be enough and no action will be required. However, when your spouse accepts an offer of help, act quickly and decisively.

5. Celebrate Each Other

Knowing your spouse will be there for you when things go bad lays a strong foundation for a happy marriage. Experts say this belief is developed from how you react when good things happen. For example, do you respond actively or passively, constructively or destructively? In the case of a promotion, saying, “I know you’ve worked hard for this” is active/constructive versus saying,” Wow, do you really think you can handle this extra responsibility?” (passive/destructive)

The Sigma Male says:

This is great advice that should be practiced in every relationship. However, experience shows that being supportive during a crisis carries much more weight than celebrating a success. When a man falls prey to unleashing a rant during a crisis, all the nice things said during better times get thrown out the window.

Protective behavior requires consistency: being positive during the good and the bad.

This does not mean mistakes will not be made. But when your focus is on being a Protector, recognizing you’re headed down an angry path is much easier. That’s when a quick apology will get things immediately back on track. When you realize you’re being negative, the time to apologize is now. Don’t waste energy “stonewalling.” (see #1).

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about importance of the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.