Different Approach or Poor Performance?

In a post titled “3 Simple Ways Women Can Strengthen Their Relationships,” I led with this recommendation:

 1. Thank him for completing a task, even when he doesn’t do it the way you’d like it to be done

The example I used (loading a dishwasher) prompted a reader to forward me this graphic (courtesy of The Oatmeal):

I admit this comic gave me a good laugh, but even better were the tongue-in-cheek comments posted on Facebook. Some of my favorites include:

• NO ONE loses chores based on poor performance in this house. No. One.
• Step Six: Run Dishwasher again…
• Step Six: Act surprised when husband/wife divorces you for being a lazy ass and takes all your money 

Another commenter posted this follow-up image:

…to which a witty female replied:

That includes sex.

Apparently, dishwasher-loading is rattling a few cages, as evidenced by this comment:

My dad literally took my sister and me aside when we were kids and dispensed this “wisdom” to us. Not specifically about dishes, but any task you don’t want to do. “#&!@ it up,” he said, “and keep #&!@ing it up no matter how many times they show you how to do it right. Eventually they'll give up and then you won't have to do it any more. You don't see me washing dishes, do you? That’s because I kept washing them in cold water until your mother finally gave up." 40 years later my dad is now facing living out his twilight years alone, after having wrecked two marriages via apathy and neglect. So yeah, this cartoon is great advice if you wanna steep in your own dirty Depends when you're in your 80's. Just sayin’.

Another viewer offered this advice:

Here’s the solution to a spouse/roommate/whatever who does a $#^& job to get out of it in the future: Instead of falling into the “oh #&!@ it, I’ll do it myself” trap, do this: Male the person do it over WHILE YOU STAND OVER THEM. Until they get it right. DO NOT DO ANY OF IT FOR THEM. Give “advice" the entire time. Then they learn if they do it right the first time, they won't have to it over. Yeah it sounds bitchy, but people need to do their share. Don't be a doormat.

Ouch!

All of this got me thinking. What are other examples of performing poorly to avoid household responsibilities?

• Pretending to be asleep when the baby cries in the middle of the night so your spouse will have to get up
• Leaving crumbs in a cereal box or a splash of milk in a carton
• Mashing additional items into an already-full trash bag to avoid taking it out
• Letting the phone ring so someone else will have to pick it up
• Watching TV next to a hamper full of unfolded laundry

What would you add to this list?

There is a definite distinction between having different standards about “how a task ought to be done” versus purposely screwing up to avoid responsibility. But the truth is, when it comes to ascertaining our partner’s motives and intents, we can seldom tell the difference — and we usually assume the worst.

Part of Sigma Coaching requires a person to identify their own motives and biases, and then take responsibility for each accompanying negative reaction and response. After all, you cannot control the motives, biases, reactions, or responses of your spouse! But you can have total control over your own, and that is the first step in wielding influence with your spouse.

Because men and women tend to have distinct views of the world as well as different approaches to problem solving, the steps to gaining control of a reaction and response work better when they are custom-tailored to each spouse. But the starting point is the same. Ask yourself these questions:

• Do I screw-up on purpose, either to avoid responsibility or to “teach my spouse a lesson”? 
• Do I assume my spouse screws up on purpose because they do something differently than I do? 

Remember, only you have the power to load a dishwasher to the best of your ability — and the humility to believe that your spouse is doing the same.

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 Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about importance of the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.