Husband Tracks Wife's 'Excuses' For No Sex

Do men keep track of how long it’s been since they last had sex? You better believe it. Witness the Reddit post by a women whose husband emailed her a spreadsheet listing the results of 7 weeks of requests for sex (only 3 “wins” in 28 days):

The email arrived in her work email inbox. In addition to the attached spreadsheet, he also had the “courtesy” to let her know he wouldn’t be missing her during her upcoming ten day business trip. Within days the posted spreadsheet image was removed and the post was locked, but not before it garnered 755 comments and went viral.

Where do I begin?

I’ve commented on the troubling trend of humiliating a spouse here.

I’ve commented on men complaining about a lack of sex in their marriages here, here and here.

I’ve commented on men complaining about their wives focusing too much on work here.

How about this? Perhaps most amazing is the lack of insight found in the litany of comments left on Reddit and other sites that re-ran the story. Most focused on the standard red herrings: poor communication; asking for sex without any romantic overtures; changes in the relationship due to time, children, work, and stress; the nature decline of sex in a marriage; a wife’s obligation to give her husband sex; and so on.

NOT ONE commenter dialed in on the true problem in this marriage: Gender Role Reversal stemming from a failure in one or more of the three Sigma Roles: Protector, Provider, Presider.

One thing is certain: Sex is always a barometer for what is happening outside of the bedroom. If a woman doesn’t respect a man outside the bedroom, she certainly won’t respect him inside the bedroom.

Let’s cut to the chase. Here is a simple, three-line translation of the spreadsheet’s contents:

Husband: Let’s have sex.

Wife: I don’t desire you. Let me make up an excuse.

Husband: I will try again tomorrow night. In the meantime, I will pout.

Let me be clear: There is little worse for a man than to be rejected by his wife — I know from personal experience — but consider how sad it is for a woman to be so repulsed by her husband that she has to come up with a nightly excuse to avoid physical intimacy. I guarantee that when this woman says she feels “sweaty and gross” she is projecting how she knows she will feel if she were to submit to her husband’s request. After all, she would rather go to bed smelling like a rank gym sock than to risk having him follow her into in the shower or to have to make up another excuse after her shower.

Sadly, every so often she gives in — partially submits — to placate him or perhaps to reward him for something nice he’s done, but obviously nothing changes. Without a doubt the experience is unfulfilling for her — and most likely downright degrading.

Here’s the key to understanding sex in a relationship:

For a woman, the security of feeling completely loved and protected leads to the desire for sex.

At its best, intimacy in marriage builds a rock-solid bond of loyalty and love; at its worst it becomes a source of frustration and obligation — a real power struggle.

The bottom line?

Positive, dominant behavior is always the solutions to eliminating sexual frustration and achieving true intimacy

Changing your focus from your wife’s inattentiveness and low libido to increasing your positive, dominant behavior (Protecting, Providing, Presiding) is a strategy that will always increase the intimacy in your marriage.

Men, the power and responsibility to make this change is in your hands. (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, pp. 127, 129, 132)

 If a man wants his wife to be in the mood to have sex — to allow herself to be vulnerable without reservations — he must first help her feel completely safe and secure in their daily interactions.

—————

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about importance of the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.