According to experts, anger is a normal reaction to a perceived threat — sometimes even considered to be a healthy emotion. Perhaps anger is helpful when a life-threatening situation stimulates a quick, adrenaline-fueled response; however, anger expressed in a relationship is never a good thing. How can your spouse feel secure when she’s attacked by the very person who should be protecting her?
Anger comes in all varieties, from acting slightly miffed to indulging in a full-fledged rage. Without doubt, the more intense the negative feeling, the more damage done to a relationship but regardless, learning to eliminate any level of angry response is essential to learning to be a Protector.
According to the American Psychological Association, there are three approaches to dealing with anger: Expressing, Suppressing, and calming.
Expressing: Communicating your feelings in an assertive — not aggressive — manner.
- make your needs clear and how others can meet them
- be respectful of yourself and others
Watch out! Expressing feelings inappropriately builds a higher level of aggression.
Suppressing: Inhibiting or holding your anger and converting it into more constructive behavior.
- avoid thinking about the anger
- focus on the positive
Watch out! If not expressed in positive terms, suppressed anger turns inward — on yourself — possibly causing hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Calming: Controlling your internal responses.
- take steps to lower your heart rate
- calm your thoughts
Watch out! Calming is more difficult in loud or chaotic situations and can take longer to implement.
A FEW KEYS TO HELP CONTROL ANGER
1. Understand your triggers: Fatigue, hunger, stress, messes, etc. can turn a normally calm person into a hostile jerk. While you may not be able to avoid your triggers altogether, recognizing your vulnerability to certain stimuli makes it easier to “back off” before you reach a point of no return.
2. Prepare a few “anti-anger” responses: Each time you encounter a situation that usually pushes you over the edge, say something like, “You’re right. I’m working on that” or “Wow. I missed that” or “You’ve got a point.” Nothing diffuses a hot encounter faster than a quiet, non-confrontational response.
3. Use Humor: When used sparingly and in concert with the previous suggestion, a funny turn of phrase can get everyone smiling, e.g. the ever-popular “That’s what she said.”
4. Change Your Mindset: Express what you’re feeling in positive terms instead of being negative. For example, instead of saying, “Everything is ruined,” tell yourself that “This sucks but it’s not the end of the world.” Avoid using words like “never” or “always” because they are ALWAYS inaccurate. Tell yourself that getting angry won’t change anything except making you feel worse. Read this post for more ideas on expressing yourself in positively.
5. Use Relaxation Techniques: Focus on your breathing to center yourself; repeat calming phrases to yourself; visualize a calming experience; stretch your muscles; etc.
MY FAVORITE METHOD
Did you ever play “Flinch” when you were a kid?
You and a buddy would try to make each other flinch by any means possible — no touching allowed. If you flinched — pulled back from his pretend assault — he got to give you a “charley-horse" on the arm. During a game of flinch, you worked hard to calm your nerves — steeling yourself against anything that might be thrown your way. If you flinched at a pretend shot, you had to grit your teeth and take a real hit. Winning was all about who could act the toughest. Even though a charley-horse hurt like crazy, you refused to back down.
When you know you’re entering a “hazard zone” — a situation that would usually set you off — pretend you’ve agreed to play a game of “Flinch.” Tell yourself nothing can make you blink. If you break down and flinch, grit your teeth and take the “charley-horse,” because you deserve it!
Be invulnerable, just like Superman. There’s not a projectiles on Earth that can hurt you because your skin is so thick. You can take it!
Remember, being the ultimate Protector means you are able to keep your negative emotions in check.
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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.
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