Bring It On: The Sigma Philosophy Can Take It

It’s rare to recognize the degree of a couple’s relationship struggles until after you hear about an impending divorce. Even then we can’t know what really went on behind closed doors — especially since most couples are unable explain where it all went wrong. And even if we are privy to any sordid details, it’s usually only half of the story.

I am the first to admit that back in the day I never discussed the specifics of my relationship problems with friends and family. I would occasionally make an off-the-cuff remark about being frustrated or commiserate in general, non-specific terms, but I never fully admitted the actual depth of my despair.  The truth is, when you’re wading through the muck and mire of an unhappy relationship it’s easy to fall prey to many different emotions: anger, frustration, depression, failure, and so on, which makes admitting the truth even harder.

Most of my family and friends were shocked at the number of personal details I chose to share with readers of The Sigma Male. But now that my wife and I are happy, it’s easy to describe — without hesitancy — how my missteps affected our relationship.

A few months before launching The Sigma Male, a friend asked me if I was “ready for the beat-down.” From his perspective — and he was correct — wading into an emotionally charged subject makes you a magnet for criticism — especially if you’re discussing deeply personal issues. As I mentioned, when something touches a nerve it’s hard to consider the possibility that you might be wrong.

As the Sigma Philosophy has gained momentum, criticism has begun to pop up more frequently. Interestingly, most of this negative feedback falls under the category of one of these common misperceptions:

1. Your work degrades women and confines men to a non-nurturing stereotype

What’s degrading about recognizing that strong women need even stronger men? And when have I ever said men can’t be nurturers? In reality, this criticism is usually connected to one of two points:

• Men need to preside in the home. Yes, but my definition of ‘preside’ is not aligned with the old authoritarian model. In its most basic form, presiding means taking responsibility for the outcome of all familial decisions. This does not mean a man makes all the decisions, nor does it mean that a woman cannot take responsibility as well. But a man cannot — he must not — shirk any responsibility for what goes on in the home. Irresponsibility breeds contempt, not desire.

• Men need to work, not be stay-at-home dads. Yes, but this doesn’t mean women can’t choose to work as well. The simple fact is, men who don’t provide for their family’s basic needs or who simply choose not to work become less desirable to their spouse. Many corollary studies confirm this point (a topic for a future post). I acknowledge that there are always exceptions: disability, temporary unemployment, or other unforeseen circumstances, but in the majority of cases, a man should earn a living.

2. You put too much blame on men. When a relationship struggles, both parties share the blame.

Yes, I tell men that it’s their fault if they’re experiencing difficulty in a relationship. Here’s why:

• Being a Sigma Male is hard work. True, the Sigma concepts are simple and a Sigma’s overall workload is lighter than what a non-Sigma does in a futile attempt to please his wife. Nonetheless, it’s still hard work. To be successful in a relationship, a man can’t give himself any “wiggle room” for excuses. In all walks of life, blaming someone else is the quickest way to a guaranteed failure. Women are not perfect — they have their own row to hoe — but that has nothing to do with a man having the strength to shoulder anything life throws at him.

• A man can change the nature of his relationship on his own. Research shows that men are more affected by a plethora of relationship issues that don’t seem to bother women. Perhaps a woman can change the nature of her relationship through her actions, but experience demonstrates that men tend to take what their wife does for them as a sure sign they are doing all the right things — which means that it’s business as usual. By contrast, when a man steps up, his wife will reciprocate with increased love, service, and support.

3. You oversimplify a very complex issue

If oversimplification means creating a model that readily defines a universal problem while providing a simple solution that works, then I’m guilty as charged. 

• Gender Role Reversal is the cause of most relationship unhappiness. I acknowledge that there are a multitude of complexities that factor into relationship success, but none has the same impact as does the interplay of basic gender roles. Whether these roles have evolved over a millennia of social norms (nurture) or are the product of biology (nature) does not matter. I have found that filling basic gender roles has a greater impact on a relationship than any other factor. All other counseling methodologies become nothing more than a band aid if you fail to address the underlying problem of Gender Role Reversal.

• Becoming a Sigma Male automatically fixes Gender Role Reversal. When a man learns how to Protect, Provide, and Preside, the strength of his lead makes him a competent partner, and there’s nothing more attractive than having a partner who makes the right moves.

Do you have a criticism I haven’t addressed? Email me at: info@thesigmamale.com or leave a comment below.

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 Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about importance of the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.