Can Real Men Cry?

As a subscriber and contributor to Quora, an excellent question-and-answer website, I regularly discover insightful relationship threads. Recently, I stumbled across an answer that did more than just answer a simple question; it presented a perfect example of Sigma behavior.

In response to the question, “How does it feel to get fired (lose your job) suddenly?” Jake Hawken, a sound designer and musician, wrote a lengthy and perceptive answer. I’ve shortened his post considerably, but you can read his full response here.

Jake and his pregnant wife were in the process of buying their first home when he received the bad news about his layoff. In Jakes own words (emphasis added):

I’m a bit shellshocked. It finally hits me and I head outside to call my wife. At this point, the adrenaline is catching up to whatever brought on the numbness from minutes before, and I’m hyperventilating a little bit. My wife answers and I don’t beat around the bush. “I just got laid off,” I spit out in despair.

Think of how devastating this news is, not just for me, but for her. She’s pregnant, we’re about to buy a house, and I’m losing my job. The natural reaction would be for her to start bawling into the phone and screaming or freaking out like I clearly already was. And that reaction would be completely understandable and not something that anybody could hold against her.

My wife instead said this: “Jake, it’s going to be ok. Things are gonna be fine. Do you need me to pick you up from the bus?” I told her I had till the end of the week and was going to finish up the work day and then head home at my normal time. We get the most devastating news ever, and instead of freaking out with me, she shows immense strength and compassion, and tells me that things are going to be ok.

I shamble in slow motion home. I get inside, and like usual, our dog is losing her mind with excitement that I’m home. My wife embraces me and I start to lose it again, but clamp back down. She’s in the middle of making dinner, so I let her get back to that and I slump down on the couch and let the dog climb all over me, showing me how happy she is that I’m home. From the kitchen (which, in that 680 sq/ft apartment, was about 10 feet away) my wife tells me something that must have been some kind of revelation from god or womanly intuition or something, because it’s exactly what I need to hear, “Jake, I want you to know that no matter what, I am not mad at you, or upset with you, or disappointed in you.” Well, ladies and gentlemen, after keeping a tight lid on it up to this point, I finally lost it. I broke down.

At this point you might assume Jake is not a Sigma Male, that his wife is the rock, not him.

Read on:

I told myself that I could have that one night to feel sorry for myself and be frustrated, angry, and negative. I decided that after that, I would be productive, optimistic, and driven. I wasn't sure how, because I tend to be kind of a pessimistic dude, but I knew I didn't really have a choice. I didn't have time for that crap.

I went to sleep and woke sometime after 5am because my wife was weeping in bed next to me. Losing the house was so devastating, especially when we had been so close. NOTE: Waking up to your wife crying in bed next to you is pretty much the worst thing in the world. Just saying.

Most of my next day was devoted to job hunting. Job applications, résumés, and cover letters make my head swim and my blood boil. They make me feel despondent and tired. They suck the life out of me. But I had promised myself that night before was my only allotted ”feeling sorry for myself” time, and so I approached the day with every ounce of can-do that I had in me.

As the day progressed, not only did I not get depressed, or feel hopeless, or get angry, but I actually began to feel positive. I began to feel like something good was in my future. I began to feel like things were going to get better. I felt a miraculous aura of comfort, optimism, and peace begin to infuse me. It ebbed and flowed a bit, that first full day on the job hunt, but as we drove home that night, it struck me in what I can only describe as a revelation. I turned to my wife and said, “You know what? Things are going to be ok. I know it.”

My wife, being the aforementioned saint that she is, was way ahead of me: “Oh, I know that. I don’t doubt it one bit.”

It's been a year and about eight months since this happened. I've done a lot of contract work and worked some crappy day jobs, but not only have we stayed afloat, we bought a house last October, and I have my final interview this week for a really fantastic full-time position doing exactly what I want to be doing. It's been a long path being underemployed (at pretty much the worst time to be looking for a job in the last 70 years), but things are finally on the up-and-up.

Remember, men do feel pain and sometimes even express that pain. But a man’s role ultimately requires him to shoulder life’s burdens and move ahead, just as Jake did.

Some men might argue that life’s most difficult burdens can only be carried with the support of an understanding wife. No doubt, a wife’s belief in your abilities makes it easier to work through a crisis, but ask yourself these questions:

• Has your past attitude and behavior demonstrated to your wife that her support actually makes a difference?
• Has your wife had faith in you in the past, only to have you let her down?

Regardless of his wife’s level of support, Jake had a responsibility fulfill. And I have no doubt that Jake’s wife knew what kind of man he already was: a Provider who had built a strong wall of protection around her.

When Jake awoke to find his wife in tears, he knew there was only one course of action: He had to be a rock, a man who would pay the price to keep his wife feeling safe and secure. And that’s what he did.

Sigma Males do exist. Jake Hawken is living proof.

—————

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.