Tuesday, May 13, 2014

What is the Definition of Cheating?


Today I’m taking a slight detour from my ongoing analysis of men’s top 10 complaints to raise a seemingly strange question: would sex with a robot be cheating?

Yesterday The Daily Beast reported that one in five people in the United Kingdom would have sex with a robot, given the chance. The article further revealed that 46% of respondents admitted that they would “either get under the covers with a sexbot or not judge those who choose to.

The article used one factoid to explain why increasing numbers of men might consider a robot partner: in Japan, nearly half of women aged 16-24 are “not interested in or despise sexual contact.” For me, this raises a chicken/egg argument: are men turning to virtual relationships (as recently portrayed in the  Her ) because they perceive that women are less interested in sex, or are women less interested in sex because men are engaging in virtual relationships?

The idea of robo-sex spurred a lively debate on the radio this morning, specifically whether sex with a robot constitutes infidelity.

I’ve often commented that sex requires a woman to be at her most vulnerable, which means that to enjoy the moment she must feel completely safe — she must trust her partner completely.

Given that, what is your opinion?

What is the definition of infidelity? Would sex with a robot be cheating?


Monday, May 12, 2014

Men's Complaint #5: My Spouse Has Lost Interest in Sex


Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbandsoriginally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #5: My Spouse Has Lost Interest in Sex

David, married 4 years, complains:

My wife was more voracious and sexually experienced than me when we first met, but once we got married, it’s like she flipped the switch to off. After seeing a therapist, she finally acknowledged that she wanted me to think she was a vixen so I’d fall in love with her. But then I asked her, "Did you ever think about what you might do if it worked?” If you make — and accept — a vow of sexual fidelity, then cut off the sex once the deal’s done, is it realistic to expect your partner to be okay with that?

Redbook’s expert says:

Switches don’t just get turned off. There is usually something more going on in situations like this. If you felt like you had to put on a mask to get your husband to marry you, you may want to examine what’s beneath the surface that made you feel that way. When individual issues come up in therapy, I think it’s important for both partners to look at them together.

The Sigma Male says:

Again, the expert has it partly right: there is more to situations like these. Some marriages may have true therapeutic issues, but most couples experience a diminished sex life because of Gender Role Reversal.

Once a wife becomes the dominant force in a marriage, she feels less desire for her weakened husband who seems less masculine. With each repetition of this cycle, she becomes increasingly dominant, more resentful, and less interested in sex. She cannot feel like a real woman in the presence of such a weak man who becomes merely a companion, or worse – a grown child. As a result, intimacy decreases for reasons candidly explained by this dominant woman: 

Ultimately, it gets down to pretty basic stuff. It’s hard to be the power broker during the day and the femme fatale at night. I can’t run the house, pay the bills – I feel like his mother – and then come home and have sex with him. (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 58)

During sex, a woman is at her most vulnerable. In order to allow herself to enjoy the experience, she must respect and trust her partner completely.

Envision how difficult it is for her to willingly submit to her husband in the bedroom if:

  • She believes she is stronger than him because he doesn't protect her.
  • She believes she is smarter than him because he just doesn't get it.
  • She doesn’t respect him because he whines or pouts. 
  • She doesn’t desire him because he seems weak.
  • She believes she is more dominant than him because she controls the sex. 
  • She can’t follow him because he doesn't know how to lead.

In this state of mind, what he considers a blissful experience can feel downright degrading to his wife.(The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 133)

The cure to Gender Role Reversal is for a man to learn Sigma behavior and become a Sigma Male.

To learn more, visit TheSigmaMale.com

Friday, May 9, 2014

Men's Complaint #4: My Spouse is not Romantic Anymore


Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbandsoriginally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #4: My Spouse is not Romantic Anymore

Mark, married 26 years, complains:

I’ve been referred to by more than one woman as an incurable romantic. I once kidnapped the woman I was dating and told her that the next week would be spent in Jamaica. I enjoy sitting on the sofa in front of the fireplace watching romantic old movies. The night doesn’t have to end in bed for me to be happy. Unfortunately, my wife is no longer romantic, and I feel like my best quality is unappreciated.

Redbook’s expert says:

Relationships change and evolve, and sometimes the very qualities that attracted you to your husband are the ones that wind up making you nuts. It could be that you’re simply too stressed with the day-to-day to experience romance the same way — and that’s okay. The key is to come to a collective understanding of what sweet gestures now do it for you. A change of environment may do it — consider taking a break from the grind and going away for a long weekend.

The Sigma Male says:

The expert has one thing right: stress does take a toll on romance. But the idea that a change of environment can make a difference is a placebo at best.

Mark may think he is being truthful when he states that the evening doesn’t have to end in bed for him to be happy. Perhaps some of the time. But generally speaking, most men equate romance with sex…eventually. How long between the romance and the sex is just a matter of personality and drive.

Unfortunately, Mark is missing the key element necessary to reignite his wife’s romantic streak: safety and security.

A Modern Man believes he can purchase his wife’s favor: take her out on dates, buy her gifts, remember her birthday and anniversary, and so on. He mistakenly assumes these nice gestures will demonstrate his love and make his wife happy and in return, she will show her love and make him happy by giving him sex. Let’s see, you spend money on a woman and she has sex with you. Remind you of anything?

Men fail to realize their wife’s desire to have sex with them has absolutely nothing to do with taking her places and buying her things.

(The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 138)

In her book, The Female Brain, Dr. Louann Brizendine offers insight into what allows a woman to feel “romantic”:

Female sexual turn-on begins, ironically, with a brain turn-off. The impulses can rush to the pleasure centers and trigger [desire] only if the amygdala — the fear and anxiety center of the brain — has been deactivated. Before the amydala has been turned off, any last-minute worry — about work, about the kids, about schedules, about getting dinner on the table — can interrupt the march toward [desire].

In summary:

Let’s be completely fair to Modern Men. They don’t do nice things just for sex; they love their wives and want to make them happy.  But the only way you can create sexual desire in your wife is to make her feel completely secure and protected – unconditionally loved – which can never be accomplished by buying gifts or doing good deeds.

Understand this critical distinction between men and women:

For a man, sex leads to the security of feeling completely loved and needed. 

For a woman, the security of feeling completely loved and protected leads to the desire for sex.

(The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 138)

To learn how to implement the simple Sigma Skillset that will allow a woman to feel completely secure, visit TheSigmaMale.com.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Men's Complaint #3: Every Conversation is About the Kids

Absent Father

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbandsoriginally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #2: Every Conversation is About The Kids

Daniel, married 14 years, complains:

I know I’m at fault too, and that I sometimes take her for granted, but I resent my wife for always being the responsible one. She’s just trying to be a good mom, but it would be nice to have a normal conversation about life, and not just about the drama surrounding my daughter’s audition for the school play, for instance.

Redbook’s expert says:

There’s no question that having an open dialogue about your children is important, but we understand that it can get tedious after a while. Once the kids go to bed or while they’re out at weekend activities, make an effort to chat about lighthearted topics, like the results of a Buzzfeed quiz you both took, as well as more serious news or political issues to keep you connected and stimulated as a couple.

The Sigma Male says:

First, a man who resents his wife always being “the responsible one," especially where her kids are concerned, is not the responsible one. When a woman seems overly controlling or sensitive to the “drama” and needs of her children, it’s because she feels like a single mother, because if she’s not watching over them, who will? If she’s not the responsible one, who will be?

Modern marriage has a lot in common with high school group projects; women take the role of straight-A student and men get labeled as the slacker. A woman’s capability leads to controlling behavior only after she has decided her husband isn’t as interested or competent as she is. Just like a straight-A student, she comes to believe she has to do everything herself but resents having to partner with an indifferent husband who does “none of the work.” Her husband can’t relate to this mindset because he also thinks he is working hard. Usually, neither believes the other works as hard as they do. 

Men are just as competent as women but can appear incompetent when it doesn’t matter to them. This is why they can’t seem to get the dishes completely clean, fold the laundry right, feed or dress the kids correctly, drive safely, or make a timely reservation. Women often seem to care more, which makes them appear more conscientious, careful, and compassionate. And when women determine they are the “top kid on the project,” the pressure falls on them to get it done right. Husbands simply shrug and walk away, wondering what all the fuss is about.

Knock yourself out, sweetheart. You go girl! I’ll be here on the couch if you need me. (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, pp. 149-150)

Want your wife to talk less about the kids? Take responsibility for parental leadership and watch what happens. As soon as your wife knows that you’re a capable and reliable caretaker, she won’t feel nearly as burdened.

Second, Daniel does not recognize his wife’s communication for what it is: a cry for help and support, that she is being attacked by a “dragon.”

Regardless of their type, all dragons have one thing in common: they set off negative emotions in your wife, be it frustration, anger, depression, worry, or fear. Negative emotions are the first sign at least one dragon is in the vicinity. And when you verbally acknowledge the actual problem, your wife knows you recognize the dragon. 

Carefully review the…examples of small, self-made, and imaginary dragons and you will recognize why Modern Men are blind to most of them. They try to listen but come to the wrong conclusion. Instead of hearing their wife cry, “Dragon!” they hear, “Complain-complain, whine-whine, nag-nag, accuse-accuse.” (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 88)

Want your wife to talk less about the kids? Recognize her dragon (her concern), acknowledge it, and offer to take care of it. When your wife knows you’re there to protect her and her children — that you are able to recognize and slay her dragons — she will relax and be ready to move on to more enjoyable topics of conversation.

To learn how to recognize and slay your wife’s dragons, inquire about Sigma Coaching and my book The Sigma Male at TheSigmaMale.com

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Men's Complaint #2: The Fun Times Have Faded

Rex Features

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbandsoriginally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #2: The Fun Times Have Faded

Christian, married 6 years, complains:

When you’re dating, it’s all about having fun together. But so much of that goes away once you’re married. It would be nice if we could collaborate to have some fun together. I guess the problem is that we’re both beaten down by responsibility, and she thinks I should make the plans. Yes, it would be more romantic for her if I planned something, but the feeling goes both ways.

Redbook’s expert says:

Good news: If you both feel like you need more one-on-one time, you’re already on the same page, which means you’re well on your way. The next step is to stop keeping a mental score sheet of who made plans the last time and put it on both of you to jump at the opportunity to, say, see a band you like when they perform nearby or try a new restaurant with an innovative menu. In the end, it matters way less who dealt with the logistics than the fact that you bonded and enjoyed your time together.

The Sigma Male says:

Look carefully at Christian’s complaint. He talks about collaborating with his wife but then adds it would be nice if she would plan something (“the feeling goes both ways”). Modern men have become so indecisive that they think that every decision should be made by committee. What they really want is for their wives to take responsibility for every decision, which effectively lets them off the hook, allowing them to become a passive bystander if something doesn’t turn out as planned. “Why are you upset?” men ask. “After all, that's what you wanted to do.” 

In coaching sessions, women tell me they’d like to see their husbands:

  1. Make a firm decision/plan “for once"
  2. Accept responsibility for that decision, whether it turns out good or bad

Modern men’s decision-adverse personalities come from not wanting to be thought of as controlling or domineering. True, few woman want to be told what to do. But deciding together to go out (like the expert says) is different than following up that desire with decisive action. If your wife expresses a desire to get out of the house, take the bull by the horns. Here’s an example of part of the Sigma Skillset I teach in coaching:

Wife (by phone): I’m really tired tonight. I’m giving the kids left-overs. I hope you’re OK with that.

Husband: That’s fine. How about I take you out for dinner? How’s Mexican sound?

Wife: I’m tired of Mexican.

Husband: There’s a new Chinese place downtown.

Wife: I had Chinese food with Angie yesterday.

Husband: Italian?

Wife: Too many carbs.

Husband: We haven’t had Greek in a while.

Wife: That sounds good.

Husband: Greek it is. There’s a place we haven’t tried right down the street. Janie [oldest daughter] can watch the kids while we’re out. I’ll see you in a bit.

The key to a “collaborative” decision? Even though this man's wife signs off on the choice, he makes the decision by giving options and then pulling the trigger at the end.

And there’s one more piece of the puzzle that is the most important component of the decision-making process:

If any part of the evening doesn’t go well, the man must take responsibility for the outcome of the choice.

Wife: That was the worst Greek food I’ve ever eaten. And the bathroom was filthy.

Husband: You’re right. I shouldn’t have insisted on Greek. We'll avoid that place next time.

Perhaps this give and take seems complicated, but learning the Sigma Skillset makes this interaction happen naturally, and the Sigma Skillset is easy to learn, because it requires only one communication technique and it’s the same in every situation.

For more information about Sigma Coaching and my book The Sigma Male, visit our website: TheSigmaMale.com

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Men's Complaint #1: Lack of Appreciation

Bossy Wife

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #1: Lack of Appreciation

Jim, married 21 years, complains:

I wish she’d appreciate me a little more, like by being affectionate when I come home instead of greeting me with the list of stuff I didn’t take care of and the things I didn’t do right. I know it’s tough for her dealing with the house and kids, but there’s never an acknowledgment that I just spent all day working and took a crowded train home.

Redbook’s expert says:

Whether you work in an office, run a household, or some combination of the two, you’re both likely frustrated with your heaping plates of responsibility. And although it’s a natural reaction, piling on more the second your partner steps through the door is not the best way to get him to hear or help you. “Instead of leading with a list, understand that he may need a few minutes to unwind,” says Kara Thompson, a licensed family and marriage therapist in Lenexa, KS. You’ll both listen better when you’ve decompressed and can actually focus on the issues at hand.

The Sigma Male says:

Both Jim and the expert are missing the point.  Even if Jim did take a few minutes to unwind — or even a few hours — he would end up resenting his wife’s insistence that he get to work and give her more help around the house. Why? Because Gender Role Reversal is in place; she is treating him like a hired hand. All the “decompressing” in the world can’t overcome a Gender Role Reversal. If your wife is constantly hounding you for more help around the house it’s a sure sign that you are not adequately filling the Sigma Role of Presider.

Think of it this way: When I hire a plumber to fix my toilet, I don’t greet him at the door with a hug and kiss and tell him to relax for a while in front of the TV. I expect him to get the job done without any whining or complaining. He works for me; we have a client/worker relationship. My plumber doesn’t gripe if I take him directly to the source of the problem and tell him to take care of it. If he did complain or told me he needed time to decompress first, I would find another plumber.

My book, The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, explains how a man reaches the status of work-for-hire in his own house:

When a husband helps with the chores (maintenance) but fails to Preside in the home (leadership), his wife usually ends up shouldering this role. No wonder she feels stressed. In this situation, a wife never appreciates her husband’s help as much as he thinks she should, which is why he receives less gratitude than a hired hand. (TSM, p. 117)

If you don’t want to be treated like a hired hand, you have to change your role from house-boy to Presider.

Once a man fills the Presider Role (steps up to major decisions and accepts responsibility for their consequences, discusses and plans for the future, provides spiritual and moral leadership, recognizes his family’s needs and takes care of them, etc.) his wife’s level of stress will diminish and the to-dos around the house will become secondary — she knows they’ll get taken care of when her husband has time for them. And the sacrifices he makes for his family outside the home will be highly appreciated — as will any work he does around the house.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Top 10 Complaints of Unhappy Spouses

Unhappy Couple

Recently, Redbook posted a list of the 10 biggest complaints of unhappy spouses.

Can you guess whether this list was generated by men or women?

  1. Lack of appreciation
  2. The fun times have faded
  3. Every conversation is about the kids
  4. Spouse is not romantic anymore
  5. Spouse has lost interest in sex
  6. Disagreements about decisions
  7. Spouse’s changing belief system
  8. Lack of intimacy
  9. Emotional support is a one way street
  10. Spouse’s job is the top priority

Surprisingly, these complaints come from unhappy HUSBANDS!

Are you in agreement? Do any of these complaints sound familiar? How would you address these issues with your spouse?

I believe this list represents what’s gone wrong in modern relationships. Over the next 10 days I’ll break down these complaints and tell you how a Sigma Male would address each of them.

Stay tuned...

Friday, May 2, 2014

Metro Harassment: Where's a real man when you need one?

Metro harassment

On my way to work I listened to a story about the growing problem of sexual harassment on metro and subway systems.

The D.C. Metro recently launched a campaign "to let people know that it’s not okay to sexually harass people on the Metro.” They now have a website dedicated to receiving reports and volunteers are passing out bracelets and flyers to raise public awareness.


Let’s be honest. The “people” who are getting harassed are women. By men.

Although women are strong enough to deal with the issue on their own, as demonstrated by the actions of one woman who “shoved the [offender] out of his seat,” my question is this:

Why did all the witnesses react with “shock” and “not know how to address it”?

Men, your role is to Protect women, whether they are your wife, daughter, mother, or complete strangers.

In today’s violent society, I’m not suggesting a physical confrontation is necessary — although tossing the pervert off the moving train would have been completely appropriate. But any man could have stood up, apologized to the woman, and offered her his seat, then taken his new seat — next to the offender!

And imagine what the response of the female passengers would have been if men had escorted the harassed women off the train at her stop while offering to help in any way they could.

It makes me sad to think that women would hesitate to turn to male passengers for help — even though they should not have to ask in the first place.

Men, it’s time to learn Sigma behavior and reclaim your role as Protectors.

Readers, what do you think?