"My Wife Stresses About Our Finances"

Although the names have been changed, the following story is true.

EXAMPLE: JEFF (38) & MACKENZIE (35)

ROLE IN QUESTION: SIGMA PRESIDER

Background

Jeff has always been a Sigma Provider. His job as a graphic designer affords his family a comfortable lifestyle, although at times they are stretched thin. His wife, Mackenzie, is good about paying the bills on time — Jeff rarely asks and usually assumes all is well, which means he often spends money without “checking” with her. Even though they are generally good about following a budget, the couple regularly raids their savings account to cover unforeseen expenses (e.g. car repairs, home maintenance, illness, etc.), which causes Mackenzie anxiety and stress.

Problem

Jeff recognizes he has been neglecting an important part of the role of Presider: Financial planning. Failure to adequately fill this role has allowed financial dragons to afflict his wife.

Jeff’s Solution

In order to better understand the household cash flow, Jeff spends time reviewing the family finances with his wife. He decides to open a second “emergency” savings account without telling her. After reining in his personal spending, he begins making regular deposits in the new account.

Result

Several months later, Mackenzie calls Jeff at work, anxious and seemingly overwhelmed: Their leaky water heater must be replaced, which will cost over $1000, money they do not have. Jeff tells her about the emergency account, which has more that enough to cover the expense. Mackenzie is understandably upset with him for opening an account without her knowledge but after recognizing her husband has had the foresight to plan for their well-being, she takes it in stride.

Recommendations

First, Jeff has not addressed his non-participation in paying the bills. While there is nothing inherently wrong with his wife taking it on, Mackenzie’s stress has been amplified by having to carry the weight of this responsibility on her own. Jeff should consider taking some or all of this stress off her shoulders. Regardless, he needs to stay on top of the household cash flow, which will enable the couple to discuss financial matters openly and frankly.

Next, setting aside money for emergencies definitely demonstrates Sigma behavior, but opening a “secret” account does not. Jeff rationalized his decision by telling himself the only way to “save” the extra money was to keep his wife out of the loop. After the water heater incident he sheepishly admitted the truth: He feared his wife would not agree with his plan. 

Acting in your family’s best interest may require you to make an unpopular decision. However, a Sigma Presider is willing to shoulder the responsibility of all decisions, whether he makes them or not. This includes taking ownership for the outcome of those decisions — which Jeff readily did. Ironically, he had already reviewed the finances with Mackenzie and both agreed they needed to get a handle on their savings account. At that point it would have been easy for Jeff to get his wife on board with opening a secondary emergency account or at least discussing an alternative plan. Either way, his wife wouldn’t have experienced the anxiety associated with an unplanned expense.

Remember, being a Provider (earning sufficient income) is not enough to make a man a complete Sigma. In order to guarantee a stable financial future, the role of Presider must be exercised as well .

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.