Question: My husband’s not a talker. How do I get him to open up more?
In my last post, I outlined the difference between socially and emotionally quiet men and gave insight into helping a man better express his emotions.
Let’s explore another reason men aren’t willing to open up emotionally.
Reason 2 — Avoiding conflict
Many of my male clients tell me it’s not worth opening up to their wives because it creates conflict. In a sense they have been trained to keep quiet. Better to shut up, they say, then to make waves. Especially if they are never sure exactly what upsets their wife.
“I can’t figure my wife out,” says Frank, married 8 years. “Some days she’ll be totally willing to consider my ideas. But then the next day she’ll cut me off at the knees over the same issue. I feel like there’s no right answer, so I just bite my tongue.”
Let me be clear, open discussion in a relationship is a good thing; in fact, healthy marriages will experience their fair share of disagreement. To learn more about how to work through disagreements, read this post. But even if he learns the correct way to discuss a problem, a man who regularly receives mixed messages from his wife will hesitate to open up.
Consider this famous study:
[Researchers] Seligman and Maier divided dogs into three groups. The dogs in the first group were placed in a harness and administered an electric shock but were also given a lever they could press to make the shock stop. The dogs in the second group were placed in an identical harness and were given the same lever, and the same shock, with one catch: the lever didn’t work, rendering the dog powerless to do anything about the electric shock. The third group of dogs were simply placed in the harness and not given any shocks.
Afterwards, each dog was placed in a large box with a low divider across the center. One side of the box produced an electric shock; the other did not. Then something interesting happened. The dogs that either had been able to stop the shock or had not been shocked at all in the earlier part of the experiment quickly learned to step over the divider to the side without shocks. But the dogs that had been powerless in the last part of the experiment did not. These dogs didn’t adapt or adjust. They did nothing to try to avoid getting shocked. Why? They didn’t know they had any choice other than to take the shocks. They had learned helplessness. (McKeown, G, Essentialism)
Much like the dogs in this experiment, men who get randomly “smacked down” by their wife resist taking the chance that they might make her angry — they have experienced “learned helplessness." However, as human beings, men can easily learn to overcome that helplessness if they embrace the Sigma Roles.
As your man works to become a Sigma, you can help by sending consistent, positive messages, especially when he shows initiative (read this post for more ideas). Remember, if you want your man to be willing to open up, you can’t beat him down when he does.
A Note For Men
Inconsistency is difficult for anyone to deal with; however, your role as a Protector is to remain calm, even if you believe your partner is being irrational. After all, irrational behavior is just a byproduct of stress and/or fear. If you find your wife’s actions illogical, consider the origin of her behavior. Remember, expressions of stress and fear signal the presence of a “dragon." Just as you would expect a trained soldier to stay at his post under fire, you cannot abandon Sigma behavior when you get hit by some stray bullets.
Next: Emotionally Quiet Men, Reason 3 — Apathy
If you have a relationship question, contact Dr. Alexander on Facebook (SigmaMale) or send an email to: info@TheSigmaMale.com
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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn how the Sigma Roles can improve your relationship, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.
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