Sigma Solutions for Women: Opening Up a "Non-Talker" (Introduction)

Question: My husband’s not a talker. How do I get him to open up more?

Let’s start with a clarification: Is your man (a ) socially quiet or (b) emotionally quiet? Believe it or not, there’s a difference.

Background

”Social silence” is almost entirely personality based; some of us (both men and women) are naturally more introverted; that is, inwardly focused and energized by thought/analysis. In most cases, your socially quiet partner had that personality when you met him. While personality is generally considered to be an “in-born” quality, a person can learn how to overcome social discomfort or can learn how to increase their “extraversion.” In other words, a seemingly shy person can gain a higher sense of ease in social settings.

But most women who express concern about a quiet partner are actually referring to a man’s “emotional silence.”

To overcome personality-based emotional silence,  just understand what makes an “introverted” personality tick. An introvert likes to mull things over — sometimes for an extended period — before entering into a discussion, especially if the item under discussion is perceived to be important. Give him space to process his thoughts before asking questions. Remember, an introvert is more comfortable listening, especially when he agrees with what you’re saying.

Often, an extrovert mistakes her partner’s non-response as apathy or disagreement, but when pressed, an introvert will wonder what the upset is about. He thought the issue was closed. To him, no response meant there was nothing left to talk about — you did all the talking for him!

If your partner is emotionally quiet because of an introverted personality, asking for feedback or input is usually enough to get a response. And if he agrees with what you’ve said, expect a short and concise response and take it for what it is: a validation.

But what about men who, when asked what they are thinking or feeling, respond by saying, “Nothing” or “I’m just mad” — or don’t respond at all?

First, recognize the real reason you want your husband to open up to you: Security. Not knowing what your husband is thinking or how he feels can be disconcerting, especially since it’s his job to make you feel safe and secure in the first place. Most women struggle to admit they need their husband’s validation because they believe it makes them appear weak or needy. Nothing could be further from the truth.

When your protection is your husband’s number one priority, you’ll automatically feel secure and the need for validation will vanish.

So if you’re feeling insecure or feel like you’re flying solo, your man needs to better fill the Protector role. Over the next few days, I’ll discuss the different reasons for your man’s emotional silence and how you can naturally inspire him to build this Sigma behavior.

Next: Emotionally Quiet Men, Reason 2 — Avoiding conflict

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn how the Sigma Roles can improve your relationship, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.