Question: My husband’s not a talker. How do I get him to open up more?
You can read an introduction to this topic here.
Reason 1 — Discomfort expressing emotion
Most men have been brought up to believe that expressing true emotional expression is a sign of weakness. Over time these men become unable to recognize what they’re actually feeling — so they can’t express it. The habitual expression of anger, frustration, or pouting signals that you’re dealing with an emotionally confused man. When pushed to describe how he feels, this man will usually tell you he’s “really mad” or “just feels upset.”
The best way to get an emotionally confused man talking is:
- Understand what has upset him
- Validate his secondary (anger, frustration)
- Name the primary emotion
- Validate that emotion
Dialing in on a man’s primary emotion is easier than you might think. Just imagine how a described situation would make you feel. Most women quickly master this skill because typically they are more emotionally in tune.
Example
You’re late picking your husband up from the airport. He gets into the car fuming.
Wife: I can tell you’re really upset. What happened? (Step 1: understand — maybe he’s not mad about having to wait)
Man: I’ve been standing there for 45 minutes. Why didn’t you answer my texts?
Woman: I totally understand how that would tick you off (Step 2: validate his secondary emotion — anger). Waiting makes me feel impatient too (Step 3: name the primary emotion).
Man: I didn’t mind waiting. I was just pissed that you wouldn’t answer my texts (wrong emotion named).
Woman: Oh, you must have been really worried about me (Repeat Step 3: name the primary emotion).
Man: I thought you’d had an accident or something (primary emotion acknowledged).
Woman: That’s so sweet. I love that you care about me that much (Step 4: validate that emotion).
Man: Grumble, grumble, grumble. Translation: Well, I do
Important Note
When helping a man recognize his primary emotion (the emotion behind the anger) it is important to avoid “justification, explication or conflagration.”
Justification: Hey, I had a really busy day. Besides, I don’t like to text and drive.
Explication: The traffic was horrible. It took me 20 extra minutes.
Conflagration: Why do you always have to be so angry about everything?
If you really want to know what your man is feeling or thinking, validate his secondary emotion (anger) and then rename it for him until he is able to acknowledge the primary emotion. Then validate that feeling and move on.
And just because a partner feels bad doesn’t mean that you must feel the same way. It’s OK to allow him to feel what he feels without taking it on yourself.
DON’T try to teach him a lesson or lecture him about emotions. DON’T try to explain why you need to know what he’s thinking. Just let him know you understand how he feels (empathize). Over time your man will learn to identify his primary emotions (worry, jealousy, disappointment, etc.) and understand it’s OK to feel that way — because you won’t be beating up on him for having those emotions in the first place.
Hey! I thought you said a Sigma Male can have emotions but shouldn’t have the luxury of expressing them!
Sigma Males do have emotions and are even allowed to express them. But afterwards, they quickly move on. Wallowing, moping, and pouting are NOT allowed! Identifying primary emotions can be liberating for a man because it enables him to figure out why he was upset, which makes it easier to get over it.
Taking responsibility for emotional reactions is the first step in learning Sigma behavior, and a man can’t take responsibility for something he doesn’t recognize.
A Note For Men
Use this same technique to master dragon identification — an important skill that always precedes dragon slaying. If your wife regularly asks you what you think or how you feel, there’s definitely a dragon nearby — and it might be you (read more about Dragon Recognition here).
Next: Emotionally Quiet Men, Reason 2 — Avoiding conflict
If you have a relationship question, contact Dr. Alexander on Facebook (SigmaMale) or send an email to: info@TheSigmaMale.com
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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn how the Sigma Roles can improve your relationship, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.
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