Question: My husband’s not a talker. How do I get him to open up more?
You can read an introduction to this topic here, review Reason 1 here and Reason 2 here.
Reason 3 — Apathy
In reality, true apathy in marriage is rare and only occurs when a relationship is in the final stage of dissolution. Even then, most men are not truly apathetic and still experience deep emotions of pain and regret.
Why, then, do so many men appear to be apathetic?
Distraction
A deep level of focus on anything, whether work, media, or just “spacing out” can result in your husband displaying a non-responsive affect. Early in my marriage my wife assumed I was ignoring her. Even worse, sometimes she thought I was emotionally disconnected because I would respond to a question with “Uh-huh” or “Hmmm.”
Unbeknownst to her, when I am reading or watching TV I am able to tune out most peripheral sounds and activities and often do not even hear the question. Sometimes a repeated question will dig its way into my consciousness, but my divided attention will not catch all the details.
My wife can get my attention re-focused by asking me to pause the TV or close my book — and I have gotten better about doing so without being asked. I know that if she asks for my attention the issue matters to her, so I listen closely and respond appropriately. When an issue is even more weighty, she either waits for an opportune moment or invites me away from my distractions so that we can have a “real” conversation.
If your husband seems detached he may just be distracted. If so, help put the distraction aside or save the conversation for a better time.
Different Priorities
Simply stated, men don’t care about the same things you do.
Men are just as competent as women but can appear incompetent when it doesn’t matter to them. This is why they can’t seem to get the dishes completely clean, fold the laundry right, feed or dress the kids correctly, drive safely, or make a timely reservation. (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want p. 137)
After your husband becomes a Sigma, he will take note of your concerns and act on them no matter what he thinks of them. Unfortunately, a Modern Man is likely to dismiss the same concerns as “not a big deal.” If your husband’s first reaction seems apathetic, let him know how much the issue means to you. In the beginning, be cautious to stress the significance of items that carry the most weight (review Item 1 of this post for a clarification). And when your husband does pay attention to a concern — however “small” — thank him for listening. As you praise him for responding to your stresses, his desire to listen more closely will correspondingly grow. Chapter Eleven of The Sigma Male covers this topic in detail.
Past Experience
If your husband has been chastised in the past for responding incorrectly, he may appear apathetic in order to avoid another conflict. See Reason 2 for more information.
A Note For Men
Listening to your wife is a skill that is easy to learn.
Many men express frustration about being interrupted after settling into a task, whether work related or recreational. To counter this, approach your wife before you start a project. Let her know you’ll be unavailable over the next “x-ty" minutes and ask if she needs anything before you get started.
Most wives will honor blocked-out time when approached in advance; however, sometimes unexpected things come up. When interrupted, push your work away, pause the TV, set down the tool and turn toward her. Hear what she has to say and respond appropriately.
If your wife consistently interrupts you — even when you’ve asked for space in advance — PM me for additional help.
Responding appropriately to your wife’s concerns is also a skill. While it takes a bit more practice, it can also be learned quite easily. See Item 3 of this post for a few ideas. Chapter Eleven of The Sigma Male covers this topic in detail.
If you have a relationship question, contact Dr. Alexander on Facebook or send an email to: info@TheSigmaMale.com
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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn how the Sigma Roles can improve your relationship, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.
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