When is Sharing "Everything" Too Much?

Although the names have been changed, the following story is true.

EXAMPLE: MICHAEL (42) & KELSEY (43)

ROLE IN QUESTION: SIGMA PROTECTOR

Background

Michael and Kelsey have an extremely close relationship and have no trouble communicating with each other. From the start they determined that they would talk about everything in marriage, positive and negative: hopes, dreams, frustrations, disappointments. They check in with each other multiple times a day during work breaks and always “debrief” the day before going to bed.

Problem

Kelsey constantly worries about Michael’s emotional well-being. She knows he hates his job and is concerned about his ability to maintain his current position because his boss is dismissive and certain coworkers undercut him at every turn. Kelsey is certain Michael will eventually get the ax — she just doesn’t know when — which causes her many sleepless nights.

Michael is conflicted. On the one hand, he recognizes that a Protector should shield his wife emotionally, so maybe he should keep his mouth shut about work. At the same time he knows Kelsey is a strong and capable woman and she insists on hearing about his day. Keeping things from her would only make Michael feel guilty. Besides, he appreciates Kelsey’s support and knows that their willingness to share everything has created the strong bond they enjoy.

Michael’s Solution

Michael decides the role of Protector should supersede his desire to tell his wife everything. When he gets home from work he tells Kelsey he would rather talk about anything other than what his day was like. Within days all work-related conversations cease. Although they continue to check-in with each other during the day, their communication feels stilted and formal. Michael discovers he doesn’t have much to talk about. In addition, Kelsey becomes even more worried about Michael because now she’s completely in the dark, not to mention Michael is becoming increasingly edgy and withdrawn.

A few weeks later, Michael quits keeping things to himself and the couple resumes their daily debriefs. Michael says Kelsey’s tendency to worry is better than the uncomfortable silence that comes with not sharing the details of his day.

Recommendations

Michael’s initial intuition was right: Telling his wife everything about work does create unnecessary worry — an emotional dragon. But cutting off all communication with his wife is also a mistake. Before discussing work at home, Michael needs to consider “what” he shares and “how” he shares it.

1. What to Communicate

Never share privileged information outside the workplace (details about clients, projects, trade secrets, etc.). In fact, there are many laws that prohibit sharing certain types of information — even with your spouse.

More importantly, avoid sharing negative views of supervisors, co-workers, projects or products. First, the communication of a Sigma should demonstrate strength and determination. Ill-speaking only makes you appear weak or ineffective. Additionally, there is nothing your spouse can do to change your work environment — that’s your responsibility.

Feel free to talk in general terms what you’re doing and who you’re working with, as long as you avoid privileged information. Share your challenges and how you plan to overcome them. Avoid sniping and leave out the play-by-play of who said what to whom.

2. How to Communicate

Sharing your frustration or exhaustion after a hard day’s work is not necessarily problematic — it’s how you do it. Expressing frustration (OK) is very different than complaining about frustrating people or events (Not OK).

Consider the overall effect of these three statements concerning the same workday:

Statement #1: We’re never going to get this project done. Jim has his head up his butt and Frank is just dead weight. I’m the one doing everything but I’ll get shafted in the end.  Jim will take credit if we succeed but he’ll be the first one to throw me under the bus if things fall apart. And those idiots in the management will buy whatever he tells them — he’s such an ass-kisser. I know I’m going to get passed over again. Can you believe it? It’s so unfair!

Statement #2: Today? Uneventful. I worked on our latest project. Not much to tell. Same old, same old. What’s for dinner? 

Statement #3: This has really been a frustrating project. Every time I think we’re ready to wrap it up another challenge comes up. It’s a good thing I’m taking care of things — otherwise the company would take a huge hit. The hardest thing has been getting along with the members of this team but that’s probably why they assigned me to it. I’m the go-to guy; I always deliver, no matter what.

See the difference? Do any of the speakers leave out something that should be said? Do any of the speakers say too much? Which speaker best succeeds at sharing feelings while inspiring his spouse’s confidence in his abilities?

Answers

Statement #1: negative; uninspiring and non-protective; leaves spouse open to additional dragon attacks.

Statement #2: neutral; protective but dismissive; creates a new dragon.

Statement #3: positive; insightful, inspiring and protective; dragonslaying at its best.

Summary

• Sharing “everything” causes more stress than sharing “nothing,” but both fail to eliminate emotional dragons.
• Never express frustration or pain without indicating you have the ability and will to work through it.
• Avoid griping and complaining at all cost.
• Sharing “everything” should never bring your spouse stress, vulnerability, or fear; rather, your communication should inspire confidence, admiration, and gratitude.

What topics create anxiety or stress in your relationship? Email me the details and I’ll address your concern in a future post.

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.