The Top 3 "Turn-offs" for Women in Committed Relationships

I continue to be amazed by the number of “Top 10” lists written about what women do and don’t like in a partner, like this one posted by LIfescript — especially since the writers never quite get to the heart of the matter.

As a plastic surgeon and a relationship coach I’ve had the opportunity to meet with thousands of women who have readily opened up about what they look for in a man and, conversely, what drives them crazy about their current partner. At first their answers seemed to be all over the board, which would indicate that women really don’t know what they want, but over time I have recognized a pattern.

Women don’t like:

1. Men who express negative opinions about women (i.e. chauvinism)

2. Men with serious character flaws (e.g. egotism, philandering, laziness, etc)

Not surprisingly, women can usually identify these traits in a man before they enter a long-term relationship. In fact, when I talk to struggling couples, these two “deal-breakers” rarely come up (unless it’s a secondary issue). Because of this, I’m much more interested in helping men understand the main “turn-offs” that come up after the commitment, especially since these issues can easily be corrected or avoided in the first place.

THE TOP 3 “TURN-OFFS" FOR WOMEN IN COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS

1. Indecision

Problem: A man tries too hard to be accommodating and nice — he doesn’t want to seem the least bit chauvinistic. But whether it’s having very little say about where you eat, what movies you watch, what appliances and furnishings you buy, or what clothes you wear, women are tired of watching their men degenerate into vanilla-eating zombies. What happened to the interesting guy she married? 

Solution: Be a strong Presider. Leadership doesn’t mean you must make every decision or that you won’t consider your wife’s feelings and opinions — quite the opposite. But healthy relationships don’t require every decision be made by committee — especially the small ones. Never be afraid to weigh in with what you think and why, but most importantly, be willing to pull the trigger! 

2. Failure to Take Responsibility

Problem: A man’s indecision and apathy allows him to become a victim. If he is not responsible for the decision then why should he be responsible for the outcome? And even if he dares make a decision, a poor outcome is blamed on his wife’s lack of support or poor circumstances. Women are tired of having to take responsibility for every aspect of a relationship. Isn’t marriage supposed to be a partnership?

Solution: Be a strong Protector and Presider. The Sigma Mindset helps a man take ownership for the outcome in all areas of his life, including his relationship. Strong leadership means owning the outcome of all decisions, even the ones your wife makes — because only victims blame others for life’s misfortunes. And as a Protector, your desire should always be to shield your wife from any and all harm —  even when she brings it on herself.

3. “Fraternality”

Problem: Whether it appears in the form of poor grooming, rude behavior, or general apathy about romantic gestures, women don’t want to be treated like “one of the boys.” Your wife wants to be your partner not your roommate; she want to be considered family but doesn’t want to be your brother; she wants to be your best friend but doesn’t want to be treated like your best friend.

Solution: Be a strong Protector. True, there is a certain familiarity that walks hand-in-hand with protective behavior, but it should never cross over into mindless informality. Offer your arm, open doors, be polite — treat your wife with kindness and insist that others do the same. Although your wife is completely capable of wielding a sword in her own defense, don’t act as if she’s just your “brother-in-arms.” Instead of fraternizing by asking her to “pull your finger,” prove you really have her back by taking on each and every dragon that dares fly in her direction.

It’s easy to spot the common thread that weaves these three traits together: Strength vs. weakness.

Always maintain a posture of Sigma strength by Protecting, Providing and Presiding and your wife will never be “turned off” by your behavior.

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.