She Wears the Pants (But Doesn't Want To)

Here’s an interesting letter addressed to advice columnist, Harriette Cole:

Dear Harriette,

I am on cloud nine thinking about my future wedding, and I have already mapped out my wedding day. My fiancé thinks I am too controlling because I picked out my own engagement ring, but I still afforded him the opportunity to propose to me when he thought the time was right. I like being in charge, but I worry that my independence may cause some trouble in my future household. How do I let my husband “wear the pants” while I still run our relationship?

—Have My Cake and Eat It Too, Syracuse, N.Y.

Harriette sees the writing on the wall and tells the writer:

Your perspective right now of wanting to be in control is not the healthiest way to enter into a marriage. You can bet that your husband will not appreciate your desire to run everything just as you wouldn’t appreciate him wanting the same role.

Ms. Cole is correct in stating that control is unhealthy — it surely dooms any relationship.  Unfortunately, she misses the writer’s key point: Have My Cake and Eat it Too wants her husband to “wear the pants.” But it’s obvious that she doesn’t believe he can — because at the end of the day she still feels the need to “run the relationship.”

Sadly, if Cake maintains the status quo she will only grow less and less attracted to her increasingly weak husband and more and more resentful. Ironically, modern men only become accommodating and passive because they want their wives to be happy.

If this man really wants his future wife to be happy, he needs to step up and fill the three Sigma roles (Protector, Provider, Presider). Only then will her desire to control the relationship evaporate. When a Sigma Male “wears the pants” it doesn’t effect his wife’s “independence” in the least. She can still do whatever she wants but will feel an increased sense of security.

The sad truth is this: if this man doesn’t learn to display Sigma behavior, his marriage will be unhappy at best and most likely end in frustration.

——-

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.