Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.
Complaint #8: Lack of Intimacy
Mike, married 18 years, complains:
I care for my wife, but there is absolutely no intimacy in my marriage, and there hasn’t been for five years. It’s become a platonic arrangement, which she doesn’t seem to feel is a problem. We’ve discussed it many times, and in her mmd, there’s nothing wrong with a nonsexual relationship. So she’s not interested, and I’m certainly not going to force myself on her. There’s no turn-on for me if both people aren’t into it, but I wish she’d be open to the possibility again.
Redbook’s expert says:
Both you and your husband deserve equal say in your marriage, so it shouldn’t be up to one person to determine your sexual state as a couple. That’s partially because far more often than not, lack of sex is the symptom — not the problem. “When you get into a pattern for a really long time, it can be painful and difficult to change those habits,” says Thompson. If you’re dealing with a chasm this wide, it’s worth considering couples counseling.
The Sigma Male says:
Clarification: men consistently interchange the words "intimacy" and "sex," so at its core, this complaint is a repeat of #5.
As usual, the expert gets it partly right, but because she doesn’t recognize the real problem, she bails out and refers the couple to counseling.
Mike already has an equal say in determining the frequency of sex in his marriage. While his wife expresses her disinterest in sex verbally, experience dictates that Mike has been doing the same behaviorally: how a man acts always dictates his wife’s level of desire. Any couple who thinks the frequency of sex is up for discussion (“equal say”) is sorely mistaken. Why? Because men and women approach the topic of sex differently.
Because a Modern Man views his wife as an equal, he believes her perception of sex is the same as his. Nothing could be further from the truth.
By simply recognizing the anatomical differences between men and women, it should be obvious sexual intercourse requires a woman to physically submit to a man. A man “gives” and a woman “receives.” In essence, a man dominates and a woman submits. Modern Men don’t recognize the significance of submission during sex. Modern Women do, which is why Modern Men don’t get much sex.
Envision how difficult it is for your wife to willingly submit to you inside the bedroom if outside of the bedroom:
- She believes she is stronger than you because you don’t protect her.
- She believes she is smarter than you because you just don’t get it.
- She doesn’t respect you because you whine or pout.
- She doesn’t desire you because you seem weak.
- She believes she is more dominant than you because she controls the sex.
- She can’t follow you because you don’t know how to lead. (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 137)
For a woman to desire sex with her husband she must first find him desirable, which only occurs after she sees him as a real man — a man who is able to deliver on each the three Sigma Roles: Protector, Provider, and Presider. If we were to dig into the history of Mike’s marriage, we would discover that the frequency of sex diminished as he failed to fill each of these positive, dominant roles.
The answer to Mike’s complaint is easy: If he wants more sex, he needs to become a Sigma Male.
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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.
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