Men's Complaint #7: My Spouse's Belief System Has Changed

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #7: My Spouse's Belief System Has Changed

Ken, married 12 years, complains:

My wife became increasingly religious after we got married, and she now has a very high standard of what being a ‘good enough’ Christian is. I try to do all of those things for her, but it’s never enough. I feel cut off emotionally and turned off sexually because I don’t think I can ever live up to her expectations. How can you act like you love someone when they don’t hold you in enough respect to consider you an equal?

Redbook’s expert says:

If one person’s faith is diverging from the other’s beliefs, make a joint effort to stay on the same page—or at least close chapters—as much as possible. “If you feel like his spiritual efforts aren’t good enough, you need to be honest with yourself and your husband,” says Thompson. Figure out what he can do to connect with you spiritually and otherwise, and consider enlisting the help of your religious leader, who’s likely dealt with issues like this before.

The Sigma Male says:

The expert focuses on the first aspect of Ken’s complaint (religious differences) and completely ignores the most pertinent information: his failure to live up to his wife's expectations and her lack of respect for him.

Based on my experience, Ken’s wife’s loss of respect has less to do with “being a 'good enough’ Christian" and more to do with Gender Role Reversal:

Sadly, once a Modern Man becomes...passive..., he realizes – consciously or subconsciously – his wife has lost respect for him. He recognizes he cannot lead his wife... To make up for her lost respect, he tries to micromanage other areas of their marriage in an attempt to convince himself – and his wife – he is still “The Man.”

When a husband acts this way, he becomes the most despised type of man: an impotent chauvinist who believes he is superior to his wife but has nothing but anger to back it up.

As he becomes increasingly mean and passive-aggressive, his actions backfire. The more dictatorial he is, the more vulnerable and wounded his wife becomes. This reduces her sexual desire even further, leading her to avoid sex even more. Eventually she has difficulty even partially submitting to her husband’s advances. Respect is gone; admiration is gone; love is gone. The cycle worsens with each passing year.(The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 137)

Many couples share differing religious beliefs and are still happy, even when their beliefs changed after marriage. While a woman may appreciate her husband’s moral fortitude, true respect is granted when he fills his roles as a man.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.