Managing Stress: The Key to Happy Marriage?

In a recent post on The Good Men Project, Dr. Jed Diamond presents the argument that men may hold the key to a happy marriage.

He cites a recent study from the University of Chicago that suggests that a woman’s poor health doesn’t affect the quality of the marriage for her husband, whereas a husband’s poor health leads to more conflict in the relationship. The study also finds that a man’s positive expressivity (being gentle, helpful, kind, and understanding) results in less marital conflict while a woman’s positive expressivity has no association with her husband’s reports of conflict.

According to Diamond, this occurs because men are more sensitive to stress, a conclusion supported by marriage expert Dr. John Gottman:

Gottman traces men’s greater reactivity to stress in the relationship to our evolutionary past. “Males whose adrenaline kicked in quite readily who did not calm down so easily were more likely to survive and procreate.”

Gottman goes on to say,"to this day, the male cardiovascular system remains more reactive than the female and slower to recover from stress.” For example, if a man and woman suddenly hear a very loud, brief sound, like a blowout, most likely his heart will beat faster than hers and stay accelerated longer. The same goes for their blood pressure. This helps account for the fact, Gottman believes, that men tend to withdraw and avoid conflict in a relationship. “It’s a biological fact,” says Gottman. “Men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than are their wives.” 

Diamond concludes men distance themselves from their wives because they become more easily “flooded” — overwhelmed — by conflict in marriage. Because of this, Diamond encourages men to learn how to reduce stress so they can more readily share their emotions “without criticism or blame.” Diamond’s key to marriage happiness? “Neutralizing stress."

I agree with his assertions to a point: men can be more sensitive to stress than women — or at least they manage stress differently. But believing stress reduction leads to a happier marriage smacks of rationalization, much like claiming you’ll be happier after you make more money, enjoy more vacations, or live in a bigger, cleaner, more organized house.

I believe men can manage stress because evolution made them physically able to do so. In the past, men had the luxury of disengaging from their wives during stressful situations because there was no societal expectation for male sensitivity or emotional sharing. But today, men are expected to continue communicating and emoting positivity  — regardless their level of stress. Modern men try to communicate when stressed, but in the form of whining and complaining that I’ve described here, here, and here. This method of communication only serves to make them appear incompetent and weak.

Don’t get me wrong, eliminating stress is a good thing, but it isn’t the magic bullet for resolving marital problems. In reality, how a man reacts to stress proves his evolutionary strength — or lack thereof. When a man can effectively shoulder problems — whether simple or weighty — and still perform his duties, his wife more readily appreciates him, admires him, and ultimately desires him. In that sense, men really do hold the key to a happy marriage.

—————

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.