Men's Complaint #9: Emotional Support is a One-Way Street

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #9: Emotional Support is a One-Way Street

Joseph, married 5 years, complains:

Men today are expected to be in tune with their wives emotionally, and to express their own emotions better. But when the stressors of marriage hit, my wife has a tendency to turn inward and expect me to take care of her. I wish that she acknowledged that I, too, am stressed, grieving, or scared. It’s taxing to be the primary supporter, and sad to me when I have to turn to friends or family for empathy I should be able to get at home.

Redbook’s expert says:

It’s human nature to occasionally get so wrapped up in your own issues that it’s difficult to see someone else's perspective. “When we protect ourselves, we feel like we are the only one who feel a certain way,” says Thompson. “But once you sit down together and start looking at yourselves and how you’ve been impacted, most partners realize they feel the exact same way.” Voice your feelings of isolation before the next crisis comes up so you have a plan in place for when things get tough, like agreeing to take a few hours for yourself, then sitting down for a cup of coffee and a heart-to-heart.

The Sigma Male says:

Good insight from the expert, but she misses the most crucial truth of emotional communication: how you communicate is more important than what you communicate. In other words, when sharing feelings with your wife, what message do you actually share?

Men have been indoctrinated in sensitivity over the last several decades, but in addition to becoming more sensitive, they have also been emasculated. Women don’t want sensitive men who are easily hurt and then pout or mope. They do want men who are sensitive but sensitive to them and their needs. (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 137)

It’s not a question of whether or not a man has emotions or feels pain — he does! What’s more important is how he acts when he feels that pain. Acknowledging pain is fine, but after admitting his discomfort, does Joseph whine and complain or does he put his chin up and shoulder the burden?

I’m stressed/tired/hurt and I need to be comforted (I’m a baby) or I’m stressed/tired/hurt, but I’ll work through it (I’m a man).

Sure it’s hard to be a primary supporter, but that’s a man’s responsibility. A woman has every right to expect her husband to take care of her. If she didn’t think he was up to the task, she wouldn’t marry him in the first place.

I guarantee Joseph’s wife recognizes “turning to friends or family for empathy” for what it is: a need to complain and commiserate. Her reaction to his actions could best be described by this strong woman:

When someone seems more childish than manly, it’s not a turn-on. (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 56)

Always remember: men do feel pain, but a real man doesn’t let that pain keep him from doing his duty. And the more he shoulders that burden without complaint, the stronger and more attractive he becomes in his wife’s eyes.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Men have been indoctrinated in sensitivity over the last several decades, but in addition to becoming more sensitive, they have also been emasculated. Women don’t want sensitive men who are easily hurt and then pout or mope. They do want men who are sensitive but sensitive to them and their needs.