A Couple's Guide to Arguing

Occasionally I reflect on the stories I’ve heard about couples who never argue. My maternal grandfather was a lifetime member of that club, as my mother and grandmother confirm that he never raised his voice or had a cross word for anyone — especially his wife. To obtain this level of sainthood seems unfathomable and in direct conflict with the advice of David and Sally of the Coupled With blog. Says Sally:

I told a close friend the other day that you should worry if you never argue because it’s a giveaway that you’re not in love. You argue with the people you care about.

Wow! Fortunately, she gives a caveat in the next line:

However, there is a right way to argue and a wrong way to argue.

Most people define arguing as angry contention, usually consisting of loud, unkind exchanges. To be clear, that type of interaction is never productive. But all couples, including by grandfather, have disagreements (a much preferable word).

David offers four rules to keep in mind during a disagreement:

1. No personal attacks, name calling, or psychological assault. This leads to ugly, offensive exchanges far beyond the problem of who does the dishes.
2. Leave the past in the past. If you talk about what happened yesterday, last year, or ten years ago in response to the moral quandary “Do we watch Girls or True Detective tonight?” you will never get to watch anything because you’ll fall down a rabbit hole of regret.
3. Stop accusing the other person. This just puts her on the defensive and leads to childishness like “No I didn’t” or “But you started it.”
4. Instead of the above distractions, focus on the immediate conflict and consider her side as much as yours. “I know you tried to do _____, but it came across as _______ and I was trying to ______.” That way, you acknowledge the other person while stating how you feel and what you need.

This is excellent advice, although David and Sally admit that it’s easier said than done. Learning how to handle disagreements takes practice:

• Each of you knows which tactics make you go ballistic. Agree to avoid pressing those buttons under any circumstances.
• Admit fault when you’ve broken the rules, apologize, and negotiate. This will help you find solutions together and move on to something else.
• Not winning doesn’t mean losing, but it does sometimes mean only getting part of what you want. You should both back down some and both get some of your demands met.
• That said, someone who is wronged shouldn’t back down about important emotional needs, and one partner should not be the one backing down all the time.

I wholeheartedly support the concept of “not winning doesn’t mean losing,” but David and Sally lose me at the end. Backing down, being wronged, and getting demands met indicate a level of stubborn contention that is completely unnecessary. “Backing down” should not be seen as losing any more than "getting demands met" should be seen as winning.

When your primary goal is the protection and emotional security of your partner, that desire readily supersedes the need to be right. It pushes your focus outward instead of inward. Some might argue that a spouse might take advantage of the man who doesn’t feel the need to be right. My experience as a relationship coach proves otherwise. When your spouse knows you care more about her wellbeing than you care about being right, the frequency of contention evaporates and disagreements are quickly resolved and forgotten.

On occasion, my clients tell me I oversimplify complex issues, an accusation that I smilingly accept. However, I am the first to admit that having the right tool makes a job quicker and easier. Ever tried to unscrew a carriage bolt with a pair of needle-nose pliers? I much prefer a nice Crescent wrench. Adding tools to your repertoire is wise — which is why I continue to share good content with you as I encounter it.

But each of us has a favorite, utilitarian tool that serves us well in a pinch. 

Mine is the Sigma Philosophy.

Note: Unstuck has produced an excellent tip card on A Couple’s Guide to Arguing to print, pin, and share.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.