Men's Complaint #10: My Spouse's Job is her Top Priority

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #10: My Spouse's Job is her Top Priority

Matt, married 8 months, complains:

My wife is a teacher and brings a lot of work home with her — planning lessons and thinking of ways to help her students — but she neglects things that are happening at home. It makes our marriage feel one-sided. I’ve even helped her grade papers and create projects and presentations in an effort to be together. I understand that a demanding job requires more than 40 hours per week. But the project will end, the students will graduate, the client will outgrow your services. Your marriage is until death do you part.

Redbook’s expert says:

Being passionate about and invested in your career is a good thing, but like much else, it’s a question of balance. You may not suddenly be able to give up working from home or checking in with your boss via email, but you can set some basic guidelines that distinguish between personal and professional time. That might mean agreeing to after-hours tasks only every other day, or turning off your email alerts after 9 p.m. so you and your husband can give each other your undivided attention.

The Sigma Male says:

The expert gives good advice for this complaint; however, Matt's wife’s focus on her work indicates she is most likely experiencing stress, worry, or fear about her job — she is under attack from a “dragon.” Matt has made a good attempt to "slay dragons" by helping grade papers and create projects, but like many men he has tried to help his wife before fully understanding the actual cause of her stress. Paying closer attention to what she says in connection to her work will give him clues about how he can slay the real dragon.

What is the real, underlying cause of her anxiety?

• Is Matt working? (she may be feeling the weight of being the sole provider)
• Is the couple experiencing financial strain? (she may have concern that losing her job might have disastrous consequences)
• Does she have difficult students or parents? (she may worry that failing to always be prepared might result in uncomfortable confrontations)
• Does she have a problem with a supervisor or co-worker (she may be stressed about job performance or work environment)
• Is Matt taking responsibility for family planning, i.e. goal setting, scheduling, retirement planning, etc. (she may feel the fear of an unknown future)

These are only a few of the possible reasons his wife may seem more committed to her job than to their relationship. Simply assigning the problem to the inability to balance her life is unfair and most likely incorrect. Even tightly wound type-A personalities can let go of overwhelming work loads when they feel the total security that a dragonslaying husband can provide.

Taking the time to focus on “dragon recognition” — to understand the exact cause of his wife’s worry and concern — is the first step in resolving Matt's complaint. Actually taking care of the appropriate “dragon” for his wife will allow her the freedom to pay attention to “things that are happening at home."

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Men have been indoctrinated in sensitivity over the last several decades, but in addition to becoming more sensitive, they have also been emasculated. Women don’t want sensitive men who are easily hurt and then pout or mope. They do want men who are sensitive but sensitive to them and their needs.