The Value of Financial Stability

Here’s another interesting letter addressed to Washington Post advice columnist, Carolyn Hax:

Dear Carolyn:

What is a fair way for me to engage with my boyfriend’s vastly different financial situation? I am from a family that is comfortable financially, and I have zero debt. I make reasonable money for an above-entry-level job and live within those means.

My boyfriend moved here six months ago for two reasons — to stop being a ski bum, and to be with me (a bit of a spontaneous decision on his part).

When he moved here, he was underemployed and working food service. I paid more than my share of our expenses (dinners, concert tickets), but grew resentful when it seemed like he was making decent money but was always tight-fisted.

About three months in, he said he wanted to live together. The main motivation seemed to be financial, which I found offensive. However, I have come to realize that in addition to significant student loans, he has almost $8,000 in medical and credit card debt (from a skiing accident and from moving here, respectively).

I revisited the idea of living together. We spend basically every night together anyway, it almost seems silly to be paying rent in two places. He has also managed to get a full-time, salaried position with benefits, and is still working food service on weekends.

Still, I feel slightly torn. I love this man who moved here to be with me, but at the same time, the idea of building a future with someone with such massive financial liabilities is daunting. The student loans and medical bills are one thing, but I find credit card debt un-stomachable. Is it simply too soon to do something so radical for someone I’ve only been dating six months?

L.

Hax offers good, solid advice about the question of moving in together. A few excerpts:

• When people stay together for reasons other than being happy together, regrets ensue.
• Don’t throw things out of balance by trying to take on his debts as your responsibility.
• You apparently love each other, you’re growing closer, and you’re both making good/better financial choices. Why push what is progressing well on its own?

However, she fails to focus on the main issue: Financial security. The writer states that her boyfriend moved nearby "to stop being a ski bum” and that he has been “underemployed.” There is no indication of new stability—especially given that his suggestion to move in was mainly financial, something that she admittedly finds “offensive."

By failing to validate the advice seeker's natural need to feel secure, Hax follows the course of too many relationship experts, assuming that any problem can be solved by relying on patience and love. While these character traits are a necessary part of the solution, nothing will change until the boyfriend takes on his responsibility as Provider.

Book Critique: The Relationship Handbook, George S. Pransky, PhD, Part 4 of 15

George S. Pransky's book, The Relationship Handbook: A simple guide to satisfying relationships (ISBN 0971198802), is a lesser-known, self-published book that contains a number of strong insights into building a strong marriage. This book is worth reviewing as a supplement to my book, Dragonslayer, while working to overcome the disease of Gender Role Reversal.

Previous chapters: 1-A Fresh Start, 2-Compatibility, 3-Communication

Chapter 4: Moods

Pransky's Take

There is a connection between low moods and relationship disfunction. All conflicts happen when the participants are in low moods.

Pransky explains that the variable in all moods is security; as you feel secure, your mood rises, leading to better responsiveness and less reactivity.

Because thought patterns are dictated by mood, when we feel low our thinking increases, gravitating to problems and dissatisfaction. We experience a heightened and distorted sense of immediacy, feel self conscious, become pessimistic, and entertain negative thoughts, emotions and concerns.

While low moods produce “habitual circular, conditioned thought patterns," higher moods produce “vdiffuse, creative thought, allowing us to be relaxed, energetic, in good humor, patient, carefree, and compassionate."

The Sigma Male Says

Pransky’s thoughts align with accepted psychology: Moods are connected to relationship function/disfunction. This seems like a no-brainer. But he points out something even more important: The connection between security and mood.

When your wife feels secure, her mood will be elevated. In other words, when your wife is experiencing a low (bad) mood, it is an indication she does not feel the security that her husband—her Protector--should be providing.

Increase your ability to Protect and your mood will be elevated as well.

Next up: Emotions

Book Critique: The Relationship Handbook, George S. Pransky, PhD, Part 3 of 15

George S. Pransky's book, The Relationship Handbook: A simple guide to satisfying relationships (ISBN 0971198802), is a lesser-known, self-published book that contains a number of strong insights into building a strong marriage. This book is worth reviewing as a supplement to my book, Dragonslayer, while working to overcome the disease of Gender Role Reversal.

Previous chapters: 1-A Fresh Start, 2-Compatibility

Chapter 3: Communication

Pransky's Take

If a relationship is off track, communication is, at best, like brushing your teeth right before you eat candy.

Pransky states that, "Communication is a pipe through which feelings pass." In other words, if you feel positive, your relationship will be uplifted and vice versa if you feel negative.

Pransky uses a similar analogy as Willard Harley's book His Needs, Her Needs. In Pransky's example the currency is feelings. Each time you communicate positive feelings you make a deposit, while negative communication requires a withdrawal. The stronger the feeling, the larger the deposit or withdrawal.

The Sigma Male Says

Positive vs. negative communication is a no-brainer. As we all learned from Thumper in the movie, Bambi, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

Recognize, however, that if you're experiencing marriage problems, saying nice things to your wife like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. Taking positive ACTION is relationship triage. In my book, calls this simple skillset Dragonslaying. The best way to communicate care and concern is to slay your wife's dragons—recognize and be willing to take care of her problems.

Dragonslaying is automatic money in the bank.

Next up: Moods

Are Men and Women Really Different?

According to research:

Nine out of 10 prison inmates are men

Among people who are homeless, men outnumber women by at least three to one

Men are 10 times more likely to commit murder than women are

Men are more likely to show up at the low end of distributions of IQ scores—they are more likely to be mentally retarded—than women

Men are more likely to abuse and abandon their children and less likely to take care of their aging parents than women

On psychological measures of undesirable characteristics, men outscore women on measures of cruelty, closed-mindedness, hostility, narcissism, and self-indulgence

Men die earlier than women—about five years earlier on average

Men show greater variability on many characteristics than women do—more men score at the extremes of distributions than women do

On average, men are taller than women, but men show more variability around the average height than women do. We also see this effect for birth weight

(Source)

Professor Mark Leary of Duke University states that the reasons are complex but include elements of evolution, biology, and culture.

Society today wants us to believe that evolution and biology only play a role in each gender's physical differences—that the social and psychological differences between men and women stem from culture alone. This is not accurate!

Different does not mean better or worse, superior or inferior. The sum of these gender differences allows us to create a union that is stronger than the individual parts. The sooner we acknowledge the differences between men and women without prejudice, the sooner we will be able to get our relationships back on a healthy track.

 

Bookend Your Habits

As I discuss in Dragonslayer, good character by itself does not guarantee a happy marriage. However, strengthening character can turbocharge the speed in which a man assumes the Sigma Roles. Therefore, working to improve yourself still make a lot of sense—as long as you don't neglect the three Sigma Roles: (Protector, Provider, Presider).
Developing a good habit is a pretty simple process, as I've mentioned previously. Why then, do so many of us struggle when it comes to adding new habits to our repertoire?

I've noticed that when I follow a set, positive routine in the morning, the rest of my day is more likely to go well. I've also discovered that when I end my day with a set, positive routine, I'm more likely to be successful the following day.

I call this Bookending: creating a set of routines that hold a block of time in check. Imagine your morning and evening routines as a pair of bookends that hold the rest of the day together. The bigger your bookends (your morning and evening routines), the better they hold your books (your daily activities and habits) in place.
If you're having a hard time developing mid-day habits, it's usually because there are no bookends to sandwich them between—or your existing bookends are too far apart. To correct this, first analyze the bookends that you already have in place. For example, what signals the end of the morning and what leads to the start of your afternoon activities? Most people have a lunchtime ritual that moves them from morning to afternoon.

Think of your day as an extra long shelf. It is easier to manage several smaller sets books than it is to control a single, lengthy row of them. The more bookends you put on your shelf, the easier it is to add an extra book (a new habit or activity) and hold it in place.

Does your day lack routines that allow you to effectively control multiple blocks of time? If so, develop a new pair of bookends. When you do, it will become much easier to add additional positive habits to your book collection.

In summary, when working on developing a habit, first figure out which block of time will best support it, a block of time that is held together by a pair of bookends: one that starts a process and one that wraps it up. You'll discover that bookending is a much more stable method of building habits of character.

How To Apologize

In life no matter how hard you work at maintaining a good relationship, you are still bound to make mistakes. When you error, learning how to apologize quickly and effectively will help get things back on track.

However, as Lifehacker's Heidi Grant Halvorson points out in a recent blog post, most people make an apology about themselves by saying things like:

"I didn't mean to..."

"I was trying to..."

"I didn't realize..."

"I had a good reason..."

A Sigma never plays the victim. To make your apology meaningful, Halvorson makes the following suggestion:

Recognize the difference between a casual friend/stranger and a close friend/ partner

While a casual acquaintance or stranger can be happy with an offer of compensation ("I'm sorry I was a jerk and I'll make it up by being nicer later"), your wife prefers empathy ("I'm so sorry that I didn't appreciate all of your effort. You must have felt awful, and that's the last thing I want.").

When you express empathy, your wife feels valued or understood and your trespass will be more quickly forgiven.

Remember, it was your mistake that caused the injury and hurt. Being truly sorry means that you understand exactly how your actions affected your spouse.

Is the Joke on You?

Yesterday I wrote about a degrading congratulatory wedding card. Today as I traveled across Europe, I discovered another gem:

 

It dawned on me that these types of messages are nothing new; lately I've just been paying closer attention because of my work on The Sigma Male. In fact, now that I think about it, I've can remember seeing this type of knick-knack for as long as I can remember. So what—if anything—has changed?

When my father's generation of Alpha men looked at these messages, they did so with a wink and a nod, in a sense telling their wife, "Thank you for all that you do for me. I wouldn't be who I am without you." But they didn't take to heart internalize a message that they should somehow be subservient to their wife—they didn't believe it in the least! After all, the chauvinism of the Alpha Male dictated that they were better than women, so how could a woman tell them what to do?

Today's Modern Men are no longer chauvinistic—they believe that women are their equals. So if the genders are equal, why do Modern men sheepishly grin and accept that they should stand beneath women--that their wife is the boss and they are a servant? The rooster plaque above says it all:

Today's men believe they are nothing more than a barnyard king. The rooster can strut and crow all he likes—as long as he remembers that at any moment the ax might drop on his neck. 

Sigmas are able to employ same wink and nod of their fathers—without then chauvinism because they understand that there is no such thing as subservience when a true leader is present.

Hence the two smiles in the picture!

Where Do You Stand?

I ran across an interesting congratulatory wedding card this week. Here's the front of it:

 

Of all the wedding toppers I've seen, this one "takes the cake." What makes it even worse is the interior:

I might be accused of taking this obvious "joke" too seriously, but I'm certain that any man who knows "where he stands”—at least according this card's definition—isn't laughing; nor is his wife.

If you've read my book, The Sigma Male, you know that the following wedding topper better represents a successful marriage—where a husband really understands where he should stand and his wife admires and respects him:

Leading the dance!

Shame on anyone who congratulates a new couple by inviting them to pursue a path that will only end in unhappiness.

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 10 of 10: Saying "I Love You"

Book Critique Part 10, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 10. Men want their wives to know how much they love them.

Feldhahn’s Take

This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.

The Sigma Male Says

Men do love their wives dearly and much of their frustration is that they don’t feel that their wives know it. There is one, foolproof way to let your wife know you love her. Start acting like a Sigma Male, a man who Protects, Provides, and Presides. Implement the changes that will make it impossible for her not to know how you feel about her.

When you're a Sigma, showing your wife you love her becomes as easy as actually opening your mouth and saying, "I love you." She'll believe you because your words are supported by your actions.

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger, Part 3: Insecurity, Part 4: The Burden of Providing, Part 5: Sex, Part 6: What Sex Means to a Man, Part 7: Visual Stimulation, Part 8: Romance, Part 9: A Woman's Looks

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

—————

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 9 of 10: A Woman's Looks

Book Critique Part 9, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 9. Men care about their wife’s appearance.

Feldhahn’s Take

This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.

The Sigma Male Says

This may be true, but it’s a one-sided stereotype that needs to go away. Of course men care about their wife’s appearance. The problem is, men tell themselves that their own appearance doesn’t matter as much — or matter at all. A Sigma Male knows that even though his wife might not say it, she is much more attracted to a fit, clean man than to a fat, sloppy one.

Next up: Part 10: Saying "I Love You"

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger, Part 3: Insecurity, Part 4: The Burden of Providing, Part 5: Sex, Part 6: What Sex Means to a Man, Part 7: Visual Stimulation, Part 8: Romance

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

—————

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 8 of 10: Romance

Book Critique Part 8, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 8. Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic.

Feldhahn’s Take

True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?

The Sigma Male Says

Give me a break! A run to Home Depot is supposed to take the place of a romantic date? Once again, the expert puts all the pressure on a woman to find ways to make her total-excuse-of-a-man feel like he is doing something right, when he isn’t. A Sigma Male is confident in his ability to be romantic. He is strong enough that he doesn’t care if everyone knows that he is completely and totally in love with his wife. He goes out of his way to be romantic because he knows his wife appreciates it.

Once a man has the confidence of a Sigma, any lack of conviction regarding his ability to be romantic will completely disappear and his wife won’t have to pretend that a trip to the hardware store means anything more than “I need someone to help me carry the 2 x 4s.”

On the other hand, when a Sigma does invite his wife to the hardware store, she will correctly conclude that he just loves being with her as much as possible. And that is romantic!

Next up: Part 9: A Woman's Looks

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger, Part 3: Insecurity, Part 4: The Burden of Providing, Part 5: Sex, Part 6: What Sex Means to a Man, Part 7: Visual Stimulation

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

—————

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 7 of 10: Visual Stimulation

Book Critique Part 7, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 7. Men struggle with visual temptation.

Feldhahn’s Take

This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.

The Sigma Male Says

If a man is a Sigma, his wife will recognize it and will know that she is his top priority, making her feel completely secure in every way. She will know she is walking around with a complete man, and of course, other women will notice him just as he might notice them. But this fact builds her confidence, because she is able to say  without hint of jealousy, “Eat your heart out. You might be hot but this is my man!” 

On the contrary, when a man is not a Sigma, a woman knows she is not his top priority and gets jealous easily. She is suspicious about even the slightest sideways glance, and she feels a motherly need to keep her man in check, letting him know what is and isn’t appropriate. In this case, a woman is insecure because she is not being protected by a Sigma, leaving her to protect herself from an injury that might occur as a result of her weak man’s wandering eye.

Ironically, her husband is probably engaged in wishful thinking, imagining how another woman would appreciate him more than his domineering spouse does.

Next up: Part 8: Romance

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger, Part 3: Insecurity, Part 4: The Burden of Providing, Part 5: Sex, Part 6: What Sex Means to a Man

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

—————

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 6 of 10: What Sex Means to a Man

Book Critique Part 6, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 6. Sex means more than sex.

Feldhahn’s Take

When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of their life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!

The Sigma Male Says

This is true, but the author has it backwards. Making sex a priority in marriage is a joke. By doing so, it will become a high priority for the man and a low priority for the woman (only on rare occasions the opposite will be true). Trying to get your partner to take up your priority as hers is next to impossible — especially where sex is concerned — and will become a source of frustration for most men.

Confidence and well-being lead to sex, not the other way around! When a man isn’t getting sex, he feels “rejected” — not because he isn’t getting sex, but because he knows his wife is calling the shots. Thus, he recognizes he is not in control of his relationship. Becoming a Sigma Male is the key to leading a woman to desire you sexually.

When a man becomes a Sigma, he feels like a Real Man. Only then does a he have what the Feldhahn describes as “confidence and well being,” because he is a Sigma — not because he is getting sex.

Next up: Part 7: Visual Stimulation

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger, Part 3: Insecurity, Part 4: The Burden of Providing, Part 5: Sex

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

—————

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: The Relationship Handbook, George S. Pransky, PhD, Part 2 of 15

George S. Pransky's book, The Relationship Handbook: A simple guide to satisfying relationships (ISBN 0971198802), is a lesser-known, self-published book that contains a number of strong insights into building a strong marriage. This book is worth reviewing as a supplement to my book, Dragonslayer, while working to overcome the disease of Gender Role Reversal.

Previous chapters: 1-A Fresh Start

Chapter 2: Compatibility

Pransky's Take

Couples who's marriage is in trouble say, "We're just too different. We're incompatible." Pransky counters by telling us that complementary and incompatible are two sides of the same coin; it incompatibility is just a matter of how we think—an indication that respect is gone.

Compatibility is tied to emotional connectedness—it comes from the heart. When we feel close to our partner, we see their differences as complimenting the partnership, like Jack Spratt and his wife: He eats no fat; she eats no lean; but between the both of them they lick the platter clean.

Negative thinking turns princes into frogs.

The Sigma Male Says

This fits perfectly with my "marriage as dance" analogy. When a man is tripping over your partner's feet, it's easy for him to say, "My wife's not compatible with my dance style."

What style would that be? Failure to lead?

A man will only have a compatible/complimentary dance partner when he learns the steps and then leads with confidence.

Next up: Communication

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 5 of 10: Sex

Book Critique Part 5, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 5. Men want more sex.

Feldhahn’s Take

Everyone’s natural response to this statement is usually, “No kidding!” but for the wrong reason. We assume that men want more sex due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But Feldhahn’s research shows that men want more sex because of their need to feel desired. Simply stated, men need to feel wanted. Therefore, regular, satisfying sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.

The Sigma Male Says

This doesn't tell the whole story. While I agree that feeling sexually desired by a woman has a strong pull for men, as a doctor I know that the chief driver of sexual desire is testosterone. In the absence of testosterone, sexual drive drops to zero for both men and women. Men have a higher sex drive because of a higher level of testosterone. Men can be satisfied sexually without feeling desired by their partner. However, men are definitely more sexually fulfilled when their partner strongly desires them.

So the issue is not more sex, it's more fulfilling sex. Ergo, a woman can give a man all the sex he wants, but he still won't be satisfied until she desires him. More sex does not create desire in a woman. A man's behavier does.

A Sigma Male is regularly fulfilled by his wife because his behavior outside of the bedroom causes his wife to highly desire him.

Next up: Part 6: What Sex Means to a Man

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger, Part 3: Insecurity, Part 4: The Burden of Providing

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

—————

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 4 of 10: The Burden of Providing

Book Review Part 4, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 4. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family

Feldhahn’s Take

Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.

The Sigma Male Says

I completely agree. This verifies why the role of Provider is so important. Even if a husband and wife agree he will be a househusband — she will work and he will manage the household — he cannot eliminate the feelings that accompany the neglect of his obligation to provide because it is hardwired into him. A man feels emasculated when he is not able or willing to provide his family with the basics of life. Expressing appreciation for a man’s willingness to stay at home and be “Mr. Mom” will not overcome these feelings.

This doesn’t mean a woman can’t work outside of the home. She can even make more than her husband. But he should be able to provide for their basic necessities.

When a man steps up to fill this basic role, his wife will naturally become more appreciative because of his willingness to shoulder the weight of being a Provider. But if he shirks this responsibility, her burden will only increase, resulting in additional unhappiness.

Next up: Part 5: Sex

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger, Part 3: Insecurity

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

—————

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 3 of 10: Insecurity

Book Critique Part 3, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn 

Part 3. Men are insecure

Feldhahn’s Take

Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.

The Sigma Male Says

Once again, this view puts the onus for change on women.

“If you could just give your man a little affirmation, it would help him be more secure and help his vulnerability. Help your man feel confident.” 

Oh, brother.

Most men are insecure! Why? Because even though a man might not be consciously aware of it, his genetic make-up screams at him when he is not acting like a Real Man, which makes him feel unconfident and insecure.

A Sigma Male is always secure and confident because he knows who he is and he is unafraid to act in his appropriate role. Incredible power, confidence and security comes when a man reestablishes his status as a Real Man. It doesn’t mean he is Superman or that he won’t make mistakes. But it does mean he has an inner confidence and calm that few others possess.

Next up: Part 4: The Burden of Providing

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

—————

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 2 of 10: Anger

 

Book Critique Part 2, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 2. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife

Feldhahn’s Take

When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.

The Sigma Male Says 

A man does feel anger and resentment toward his wife when he feels humiliated by her. This occurs when he feels he is doing everything in his power to deserve her respect, to no avail. In a disrespected man’s eyes, his wife is impossible to please, so something must be wrong with her! He lays the fault on his wife even though he has the power to resolve the issue.

In my experience, when a man understands the specifics of why his wife does not respect him, he can turn things around immediately. Understanding and truly believing he is responsible for any and all marriage problems allows him to repair those problems practically overnight.

Next up: Part 3: Insecurity

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Telling Your Wife What She Thinks

This week I stumbled across a great quote from comedian Bill Cosby:

While this may come across as irreverent, I think Mr. Cosby is on to something.

Most men tend to ignore their wife's problems because they believe her stressors are small, self-made, or imaginary. They figure should should take care of her own problems.

True, women are strong enough to handle things on their own, but that doesn't mean they don't appreciate a man who cares enough to understand what they need and then do something about it.

Consider this typical scenario:

Wife: I can't believe how rude Janie was to me today!

Husband: Uh-huh….What's for dinner?

Wife stomps off muttering under her breath.

Husband: What's with her?

Let's apply Bill Cosby's advice to the same scenario:

Wife: I can't believe how rude Janie was to me today!

Husband (in deeper voice): Janie was rude? What did she say?

Wife: She said I am always late and everyone was sick of it.

Husband (in deeper voice): She accused you of always being late?

Wife: Yes! And it was obvious that nobody else agreed with her. Susan just rolled her eyes and mouthed "I'm sorry."

Husband (in deeper voice): Man! I can't believe she would think she could speak for the whole group.

Wife: I know. I'm rarely late. I just had to swing by the school on my way to the meeting because Chris forgot his lunch today.

Husband (in deeper voice): Well, it really sucks to get blamed for something when you were just trying to take care of your kids.

Wife: Right! It really pisses me off.

Husband (in deepest voice yet): I can tell you're upset. Maybe I should give her a piece of my mind.

Wife (hugging her husband): It's OK. I just needed to vent.

A critical skill that men need to learn is active listening, or rephrasing what is said to show that you understand. In other words, hearing what your wife thinks and repeating it back in a deeper voice.

Try not to parrot back what you hear word for word — although you might have to until you get comfortable with this technique. After a while you'll find that when you pay close attention, it's easy to lead a conversation when you can restate what your wife is feeling.

The first thing your wife wants is for you to understand what she's going through and that you're there for her.

The second thing she wants — but won’t tell you — is a man who's capable of taking care of a problem. That doesn’t mean you’ll actually have to solve every issue that comes up, but the fact that you CAN will instill a great deal of security and confidence.

Always be sure to close a session of active listening with an offer to help. Most likely your wife won't feel the need to accept your offer but she will always appreciate the fact that you're willing to act, if necessary.

Remember: Your wife doesn't want to hear what you think. She wants to hear what she thinks — in a deeper voice!

Updated 10/11/2014

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Taking Total Responsibiilty for the Dance

I often compare marriage to a dance partnership that requires a strong lead. When a man knows how to fill this role, both partners will enjoy the dance. But when he doesn’t know the steps things get uncomfortable in a hurry. When a couple is stumbling across the dance floor, all a man can see is his partner’s missteps — it’s hard for him to recognize that not knowing the right steps makes him a poor partner.

In his excellent book, Excuses Begone!, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer addresses this principal perfectly. In chapter 8 he asks the reader to consider the following question:

Am I willing to take total responsibility for all the conditions of my life?

He goes on to say:

In the 1st century a.d., slave-turned-philosopher Epictetus offered this wisdom: “It is the act of an ill-instructed man to blame others for his own bad condition; it is the act of one who has begun to be instructed, to lay the blame on himself; and of one whose instruction is completed, neither to blame another, nor himself.”

Blame must be supplanted by a willingness to look at everything that occurs in your life and choosing to think, I attracted and created it all, and I am happy to take full and sole responsibility for all of it. As an ancient Hindu proverb reminds us: “He who cannot dance claims the floor is uneven.” If you can’t dance, that’s your choice. But if you want to get out there and enjoy yourself, there’s nothing holding you back…except your excuses.

 

If your wife is stepping on your feet, consider this: Have you mastered the steps of your marriage dance? Are you a strong lead?

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his  Facebook page, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: The Relationship Handbook, George S. Pransky, PhD, Part 1 of 15

George S. Pransky's book, The Relationship Handbook: A simple guide to satisfying relationships (ISBN 0971198802), is a lesser-known, self-published book that contains a number of strong insights into building a strong marriage. This book is worth reviewing as a supplement to my book, Dragonslayer, while working to overcome the disease of Gender Role Reversal.

As you'll find in most relationship books, Pransky focuses on the topics of understanding and communication--both important elements of forging successful relationships. His general thesis is that the cause of relationship distress is insecurity; thus, "the cure is understanding the psychological thoughts, feelings, and states of mind" in order to overcome that insecurity.

I agree that understanding the cause of a couple's insecurity is important to cure relationship problems, but Pransky never dials in on the exact cause of that insecurity: Gender Role Reversal.

Nevertheless, his book is worth reviewing as a supplement to helping men overcome the disease of Gender Role Reversal.

Chapter 1: A Fresh Start

Pransky's Take

Most marriage counselors employ low mood therapy: a model that suggests that analyzing problems and living patterns will change them. But analyzing problems only makes you an expert on problems. Low mood therapy creates a downward progression that is not productive.

Instead, Pransky subscribes to high mood therapy: a focus on "engag[ing] the thoughts we have in high moods—insights, non contingent positive feelings and big-picture perspectives." High mood therapy allows couples to have a "fresh start." The therapist is responsible for "explain[ing] personality and mood distortions and show[ing] how misinformation damages relationships."

Moods affect our mindset: our way of thinking and perceiving. If we can recognize that a certain mood is distorted, we can "think" our way clear. Therefore, feelings are merely a barometer for whether we are experiencing a mood distortion.

In short, "'issues' in marriage are symptoms and not causes of disharmony." Pransky believes that our psychological functioning can be compared to Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. When we are in a healthy state, we behave like Dr. Jeckyll. After a mood distortion, Mr. Hyde comes out; therefore, we need to be able to foster a healthy psychological state in order to keep our "Jeckyll" side in control.

The Sigma Male Says

Pransky really has me nodding in affirmation when he discusses the difference between low mood and high mood therapy. From my own experience, there's nothing less productive than dredging up problems in a marriage. After a while, you get the feeling that the therapist's job is to agree with both of you. As long as the counselor is able to moderate, you may feel like you're making some progress. Take away the therapist and you are left to figure things out on your own. What previously seemed to make sense in the counselor's office just becomes a further source of contention.

I also like Pransky's Jeckyll/Hyde analogy when he states that "it only takes one Jeckyll to move a marriage toward health;” so true because it is almost always the husband who is the cause of all marriage problems — a theme you will hear me repeat over and over.

I agree that mood affects mindset, and mindset is the "steering wheel" for a happy life and great relationship. Recognizing a "mood distortion" is critical, BUT YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE CORRECT WAY TO ACT after that recognition.

Many men recognize a mood distortion and then attempt to do whatever they can to get back on track with their wife. But they end up repeating the exact "niceties" that caused the problem in the first place. To use Pransky's parlance, these men experience a THOUGHT distortion. They think what they are doing will make their wife happy. But they are sadly mistaken. She doesn't just want them to be nice; she wants them to be a Man!

Until men can realize that they need to change their beliefs about what their wife wants, they can never fix their relationship—at least not permanently.

Next up: Compatibility

13 Ways to be Happier, Part 2 of 2

Last post I reviewed the first half of an article titled 13 Ways to be Happier. The first seven items were in line with The Sigma Male. Let's check out the rest of the list.

13 Ways to be Happier, continued

8. Let go of trying to impress other people

Whipped men worry about what their friends think, so they downplay their devotion to their wife or badmouth her to their friends. A Sigma doesn't care what his friends think. He is unashamed to demonstrate his love for his wife. Ironically, the friends of a whipped man pity him while wishing they could trade place with the Sigma.

Check.

9. Let go of your excuses

If your relationship is not what you want it to be, what excuses are you still holding onto? Excuses are directly tied to blame—a failure to accept responsibility. A Sigma must take responsibility for the state of his relationship

Check

10. Let go of trying to always control

A weak man claims dominance through coercion or domineering behavior, because it is the only way he can gain it. A Sigma offers leadership and protection; therefore, dominance is granted to him, even when he doesn't seek it.

Check.

11. Let go of the past

Focusing on the past is the focus of therapy—low mood therapy to be specific. Focusing on your problems makes negative thoughts the center of your world. I believe in focusing on the possibility of a fresh start. What will you do from today on?

Check.

12. Let go of resisting change

Marriages don't start out unhappy; they become unhappy. They change! If things can change for the worst, they can change for the better.

Check.

13. Let go of living life to other people's expectations

What type of relationship do you want to have? Modern men have come to believe that they must behave a certain way--if they don't, they are relics from a past era. This line of reasoning supposes that male dominance is linked to chauvinism. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Men are born Protectors. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Check.

At its core, this list offers sound advice, but I think it complicates a simple process. Here's my shortened list:

3 Ways to be Happier

1. Accept responsibility for your lot in life

2. Fill the Roles your were born to play (Man, Husband, Father)

3. Fill the needs of those you love (Protect, Provide, Preside)

The rest will take care of itself.

13 Ways to be Happier, Part 1 of 2

A friend sent me a link to a post titled 13 Ways to be Happier. If you spend a lot of time reading self-help literature, it won't be long before you begin to hear the same things over and over. Does that make them valid? A good test for any advice is to see if it holds true across all aspects of your life.

Let's see if this list passes muster for a Sigma Male.

 1. Let go of complaining

The law of the harvest states that you reap what you sow. IF you're constantly negative, you will attract negativity. I've heard men moan about how nice their wife used to be compared to how mean she is now. After listening to their incessant griping, it's not hard to imagine why their wife has changed over time.

Check.

2. Let go of having to always be right

A frequent difficulty encountered by men I coach is their insistence that they haven't done anything wrong--they are right and it is their wife who needs to change. The inability to look at your own faults makes it impossible to move beyond your present limitations. In order to be a Dragonslayer, you must accept this belief: You are 100% responsible for your marital problems, regardless of your wife's faults. This means you must give up your need to always be right!

Check.

3. Let go of any self-defeating ideas

I just can't make my wife happy. It doesn't matter what I do. She will never change. I'm so unappreciated.

Sound familiar? Let it go!

Check.

4. Let go of fears

What type of fears do men bring to their relationships? Their wife doesn't really love them? She might find somebody better? She might be right?

You don't have anything to fear if you focus on protecting your wife physically, emotionally, and socially. Women love Protectors--it's what they want!

Check.

5. Let go of attachment

The author's focus in on material items--not people. Men who believe that they can please their wife with material goods are barking up the wrong tree. Focus on giving a woman what she needs—not on filling her every want.

Check.

6. Let go of criticism

A Sigma Male protects his wife emotionally. Any form of criticism constitutes an emotional attack. It's hard to slay your wife's dragons when you are a dragon yourself.

Check.

7. Let go of blame

Modern Men blame their wife for their unhappy marriage. If their wife would just stop stepping on their toes, the dance would be much more enjoyable. If their wife would grant them more sex, they would be happy. She doesn't because she knows it won't solve the problem. Giving up blame goes hand-in-hand with always having to be right (see #2).

Next post: Happiness list, 8 - 13

Disrespect (Part 1 of 10, Book Critique: For Women Only)

Book Critique Part 1, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn 

Part 1: Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected

Feldhahn’s Take

Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicates that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.

The Sigma Male Says

Men would rather feel unloved? Really? For most men, feeling disrespected or feeling unloved is the same thing. But to avoid splitting hairs, let’s agree with Feldhahn’s point.

The real problem is most men don’t know why their wives don’t respect them, and most of the time women themselves cannot identify the specific reason they feel that way. Under these circumstances, women justify their feelings by cataloging every one of their husband’s shortcomings. But even if their assessment is accurate, this laundry list of complaints misses the mark.

In reality, women usually disrespect their husbands when they aren’t filling one or more of the three essential Sigma Roles: Protector, Provider, and Presider.

Even when a man is a great guy (respectful, helpful, kind, considerate, etc.) if he is not filling this positive, dominant skillset, a little voice deep inside a woman tells her he isn’t a real man; therefore, true respect for him is automatically undermined.

A Sigma Male earns his wife’s respect and admiration because he is an effective Protector, Provider and Presider.

Next up: Part 2: Anger

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Review: His Needs, Her Needs

I regularly read and dissect popular relationships books, sharing the most relevant information and correcting misguided fallacies. In this post, I review His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Harley’s Take

Recognizing your partner’s essential needs and meeting them will continually strengthen your relationship and nip in the bud any possibility of your spouse having her needs met elsewhere.

Harley begins with the premise that everyone has a "love bank," an emotional version of a bank account. You receive “credits” in your “account" when your spouse meets one of your emotional needs.

Neglecting a spouse’s needs causes "debits," which can eventually leave him or her feeling empty and dissatisfied. Spouses who don’t have their needs met might look elsewhere, in effect opening an account at a competing bank. 

Couples who want happy, stable marriages must learn how to effectively meet each other’s needs, thereby insuring their spouse never has reason to shop the competition. But men and women tend to have different needs, so understanding those differences will help you learn how to better relate to your spouse.

Harley identifies each partner’s five most common needs, then shows each partner how to satisfy those needs. He provides a guide for becoming irresistible to your spouse and how to love more creatively and sensitively, thereby eliminating the problems that often lead to extramarital affairs.

The Sigma Male Says

Harley has written an excellent book and is definitely onto something. No question, when spouses get their needs met they are happy. I agree with the premise of husbands and wives doing what they can to satisfy each other’s needs. However, Harley misses a vital component in the happiness equation when it comes to sex.

There is a difference between a woman trying to meet her husband’s sexual needs by making herself available to him (“If I meet his needs he will be happy”) and a woman who looks forward to sex because her husband displays Sigma behavior.

A woman who attempts to please her husband because she thinks it’s her duty will be less satisfied than a woman who meets her husband’s needs because of how his daily behavior makes her feel. The first woman fills her husband’s need for sex to make him happy. The latter fills his sexual needs because she is happy (and because she desires him). When this happens both partners experience a much higher level of sexual satisfaction and they both get their sexual needs met.

When a modern man makes regular deposits in his wife’s account because he thinks he can meet her needs by working harder — he shares the work around the house, tends the kids, does chores, fixes dinner, etc. — the resulting deposit is relatively small and does not increase his wife’s happiness by much. Instead, she seems to become more demanding and increasingly domineering. And modern men are shocked to discover that their wife’s “withdrawal window” has extremely limited hours.

Deposits made by fulfilling the Sigma Roles are much larger. And when a man becomes a Sigma Male, his wife’s resulting happiness will allow him to access her account 24/7.

Updated 10/06/2014

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.