As I discuss in Dragonslayer, good character by itself does not guarantee a happy marriage. However, strengthening character can turbocharge the speed in which a man assumes the Sigma Roles. Therefore, working to improve yourself still make a lot of sense—as long as you don't neglect the three Sigma Roles: (Protector, Provider, Presider). Developing a good habit is a pretty simple process, as I've mentioned previously. Why then, do so many of us struggle when it comes to adding new habits to our repertoire?
I've noticed that when I follow a set, positive routine in the morning, the rest of my day is more likely to go well. I've also discovered that when I end my day with a set, positive routine, I'm more likely to be successful the following day.
I call this Bookending: creating a set of routines that hold a block of time in check. Imagine your morning and evening routines as a pair of bookends that hold the rest of the day together. The bigger your bookends (your morning and evening routines), the better they hold your books (your daily activities and habits) in place. If you're having a hard time developing mid-day habits, it's usually because there are no bookends to sandwich them between—or your existing bookends are too far apart. To correct this, first analyze the bookends that you already have in place. For example, what signals the end of the morning and what leads to the start of your afternoon activities? Most people have a lunchtime ritual that moves them from morning to afternoon.
Think of your day as an extra long shelf. It is easier to manage several smaller sets books than it is to control a single, lengthy row of them. The more bookends you put on your shelf, the easier it is to add an extra book (a new habit or activity) and hold it in place.
Does your day lack routines that allow you to effectively control multiple blocks of time? If so, develop a new pair of bookends. When you do, it will become much easier to add additional positive habits to your book collection.
In summary, when working on developing a habit, first figure out which block of time will best support it, a block of time that is held together by a pair of bookends: one that starts a process and one that wraps it up. You'll discover that bookending is a much more stable method of building habits of character.
Yesterday I wrote about a degrading congratulatory wedding card. Today as I traveled across Europe, I discovered another gem:
It dawned on me that these types of messages are nothing new; lately I've just been paying closer attention because of my work on The Sigma Male. In fact, now that I think about it, I've can remember seeing this type of knick-knack for as long as I can remember. So what—if anything—has changed?
When my father's generation of Alpha men looked at these messages, they did so with a wink and a nod, in a sense telling their wife, "Thank you for all that you do for me. I wouldn't be who I am without you." But they didn't take to heart internalize a message that they should somehow be subservient to their wife—they didn't believe it in the least! After all, the chauvinism of the Alpha Male dictated that they were better than women, so how could a woman tell them what to do?
Today's Modern Men are no longer chauvinistic—they believe that women are their equals. So if the genders are equal, why do Modern men sheepishly grin and accept that they should stand beneath women--that their wife is the boss and they are a servant? The rooster plaque above says it all:
Today's men believe they are nothing more than a barnyard king. The rooster can strut and crow all he likes—as long as he remembers that at any moment the ax might drop on his neck.
Sigmas are able to employ same wink and nod of their fathers—without then chauvinism because they understand that there is no such thing as subservience when a true leader is present.
In a post called I Hate My Partner, Dr. Deb Hirschhorn has some interesting things to say about marriages that are on their last gasp:
Forget about love being gone. You’re way past that. You hate your partner and you want out. You hate your partner because he/she:
• Stifles your identity; you feel crushed; you no longer know who you are • Is cheating • Says things that really cut, often insisting he/she didn’t mean to hurt you • Neglects you; you feel invisible • Controls everything until you have no energy left to stand up for yourself
According to Dr. Hirschhorn, when a marriage is in its final stage, having these feelings is normal. Even so, she correctly states that underneath it all you still love your partner and recommends the following path forward:
5 STEPS TO TRANSFORM A “HATEFUL” RELATIONSHIP
1. Recognize you are being mistreated.
2. Understand that the hate you feel comes from the justified disappointment you have over expecting love and not getting it.
There is another truth here: Your partner doesn’t treat you right because he or she was not treated right; it’s not because he wants to be mean, even if he says so.
Why do I say this? When people don’t feel their needs are being met, they react. If they have good coping skills and know how to be assertive, they react constructively. If they don’t, they react destructively. Your partner hurts you because he doesn’t know how to get his needs met.
3. Recognize that what you really hate is the way you’ve been treated — not your spouse.
As soon as you start to feel angry at him or her, remind yourself that your partner doesn’t know better.
4. Speak up
You’ve got to be assertive which means firm, clear, brief, and civil. Assertive does not mean slinging it back no matter how tempting that is. In doing this, it’s important not to throw the kitchen sink at your partner. Select the most pressing requirement first.
In step four, Dr. Hischhorn seems to be speaking to both men and women but in my opinion, speaking up should be exclusively reserved for women. Why?
As I explain in The Sigma Male, almost all marital strife can be traced back to Gender Role Reversal — a man’s failure to fill one or more of the three Sigma Roles: Protector, Provider and Presider. This means that a man must accept thathe is to blame for his wife’s behavior, which the first step in eliminating Gender Role Reversal.
So instead of telling his wife what he needs, a man must tell her how he will fulfill his responsibilities, and then get to work!
Only then will Dr. Hirschhorn’s final step be possible:
5 Look for improvements
This step transforms both of you together. Don’t be afraid that positive feedback for small changes will cause your partner to rest on his laurels. Having behaved toxically for so long, your partner probably hates himself. He needs to form a better view of himself as much as you need to form a better view of him.
Three things result when you start looking for the good: You’ll get more of it; you’ll see it more, and you’ll feel a whole lot better. As your needs get met, the hate evaporates. There’s room for love.
Note that in the final paragraph of her post Dr. Hirschhorn stops using gender-neutral words and applies 'his,' 'himself,' and 'him.'
Apparently, she recognizes what I have been saying all along: Since men have the power to transform a relationship, they must bear the responsibility for a relationship’s success or failure.
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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.
Hanna Rosin’s book, The End of Men, certainly raised a lot of eyebrows and garnered much attention when it was released.
I was familiar with Rosin because I reference her in my book, The Sigma Male, and her views on changing social norms. Here is her interview on NBC’s Today Show, which I watched live when it originally aired.
I was especially intrigued by her husband, David Plotz, who is an intelligent, well-educated editor. During the interview, he seems to be standing on shifting ground, as he bounces between lobbing his wife softball set-ups, seeks her approval, and mildly “disagrees” with her in an indirect manner. In making any comments about the marriage of Rosin and Plotz, I realize that there is no way to know what goes on behind closed doors—but we can learn several lessons from their interview. 5 Sigma Male Takeaways 1. Always make your wife look good. If Plotz does anything right, he does a good job of this. He gives his wife easy set-ups so her comments always make her look good. He gives her the time and space to shine. Remember, even though the interview is on a topic that runs contrary to my book, The Sigma Male, this interview and book are hers and Plotz lets his wife get the attention, even when questions are directed at him.
A man doesn’t always need to be the center of attention if he knows he is a Sigma. By allowing his wife to look good, Plotz demonstrates that a man shouldn’t be intimidated by a strong woman. on the other hand… 2. Don’t be a “milk toast” There are several places where Plotz sends mixed messages about his role as a man. First, he never addresses his wife’s comment that she “hopes he is not obsolete” or that she hopes her sons “are not going to be obsolete.” A quick and simple response like, “You know I’m not,” delivered with a sly grin would have turned that moment around without disagreeing with his wife. It would have also given Samantha Guthrie, the interviewer, a chance for a follow-up question about how men can maintain their own strength. I suspect neither Rosin nor Plotz have the answer to that question; it certainly isn’t answered in her book. Plotz could have also added, “and I’m modeling that behavior for my sons,” to deliver a one-two punch regarding his role as husband, father, and Sigma Male. Neither of these statements would have taken anything away from his wife and would have demonstrated how a confident man can enjoy the company of a strong woman. 3. Have a strong opinion — don’t seek your wife’s approval There is one awkward moment where Plotz is clearly hoping for his wife’s approval — or forgiveness — for having his own strong opinion. After Rosin brings up the effect that these changes will have on “marriages, work, sex, and how to navigate this new world,” Guthrie immediately asks Plotz for his opinion. It is clear that he is uncomfortable when he states, “I try not to take it personal,” and then addresses a “difficult transition for me,” while looking directly at his wife with a meek expression. I couldn’t help but think that there is a subtext in this exchange that directly points out the effects of his seeming meekness when it comes to the triumvirate of “marriage, work, and sex.” With one look, he seems to be pleading, “Don’t forget how nice I will be during this interview so that I can get a reward later.” In answering this question, Plotz would be better off to look Guthrie straight in the eye and say, “Today’s men are having a hard time with this transition because they are indecisive and weak. A strong woman needs a strong man.” 4. Don’t apologize for being a strong man After each exchange with Rosin, Guthrie always asks Plotz a follow-up question. While obviously looking for controversy, Guthrie continues to allow Plotz a chance to stand up for men. He tries to have a strong opinion, stating that shifts in sexual dynamics are “troubling” for him, but it’s not too long before he begins to backpedal. “I shouldn’t say that it is troubling,” he stammers, while again looking to his wife for approval — then quickly passes the hot potato back to her. He starts with a strong position but then quickly undercuts himself. Once again he loses the opportunity to have an opinion without worrying whether his wife agrees with him or will be angry with him for having an opinion.
5. Women are tired of weak men As the interview wraps up Rosin mentions how young women are more successful and accomplished than their male counterparts. Plotz’s response is ironic, given that it is the one place in the interview where he almost begins to talk over his wife. He interjects that it’s hard for men because they don’t know what their role is supposed to be in this new world. Plotz himself seems to be unsure of his role in his own relationship. One simple addition to his statement could have set things straight. Plotz offers, “What our role is, is harder, because we’re accustomed to a certain sense of what manhood is.”
MY ADDITION: As men we need to understand that we can maintain the same sense of manhood we’ve always had while our wives become stronger, which will put them at ease and create stronger marriages. Men have a role to play: They need to step up and be men. And that’s why I wrote The Sigma Male.
UPDATE: 7/9/2014
Although Rosin’s book received a lot of attention when it was released, overall reception has been luke-warm at best, with Amazon reviews at slightly more than 3 stars. Many reviewers have pointed out that no attention is being paid to why boys (and men) are struggling, a fact that the general public seems to recognize but intellectuals refuse to acknowledge.
Looking back, I believe my original assessment is still accurate, although the publishing trend of books touting the rise of women and the downfall of men continues to flourish unabated (see Sandberg’s Lean In for an example).
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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.
