George S. Pransky's book, The Relationship Handbook: A simple guide to satisfying relationships (ISBN 0971198802), is a lesser-known, self-published book that contains a number of strong insights into building a strong marriage. This book is worth reviewing as a supplement to my book, Dragonslayer, while working to overcome the disease of Gender Role Reversal.
As you'll find in most relationship books, Pransky focuses on the topics of understanding and communication--both important elements of forging successful relationships. His general thesis is that the cause of relationship distress is insecurity; thus, "the cure is understanding the psychological thoughts, feelings, and states of mind" in order to overcome that insecurity.
I agree that understanding the cause of a couple's insecurity is important to cure relationship problems, but Pransky never dials in on the exact cause of that insecurity: Gender Role Reversal.
Nevertheless, his book is worth reviewing as a supplement to helping men overcome the disease of Gender Role Reversal.
Chapter 1: A Fresh Start
Pransky's Take
Most marriage counselors employ low mood therapy: a model that suggests that analyzing problems and living patterns will change them. But analyzing problems only makes you an expert on problems. Low mood therapy creates a downward progression that is not productive.
Instead, Pransky subscribes to high mood therapy: a focus on "engag[ing] the thoughts we have in high moods—insights, non contingent positive feelings and big-picture perspectives." High mood therapy allows couples to have a "fresh start." The therapist is responsible for "explain[ing] personality and mood distortions and show[ing] how misinformation damages relationships."
Moods affect our mindset: our way of thinking and perceiving. If we can recognize that a certain mood is distorted, we can "think" our way clear. Therefore, feelings are merely a barometer for whether we are experiencing a mood distortion.
In short, "'issues' in marriage are symptoms and not causes of disharmony." Pransky believes that our psychological functioning can be compared to Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. When we are in a healthy state, we behave like Dr. Jeckyll. After a mood distortion, Mr. Hyde comes out; therefore, we need to be able to foster a healthy psychological state in order to keep our "Jeckyll" side in control.
The Sigma Male Says
Pransky really has me nodding in affirmation when he discusses the difference between low mood and high mood therapy. From my own experience, there's nothing less productive than dredging up problems in a marriage. After a while, you get the feeling that the therapist's job is to agree with both of you. As long as the counselor is able to moderate, you may feel like you're making some progress. Take away the therapist and you are left to figure things out on your own. What previously seemed to make sense in the counselor's office just becomes a further source of contention.
I also like Pransky's Jeckyll/Hyde analogy when he states that "it only takes one Jeckyll to move a marriage toward health;” so true because it is almost always the husband who is the cause of all marriage problems — a theme you will hear me repeat over and over.
I agree that mood affects mindset, and mindset is the "steering wheel" for a happy life and great relationship. Recognizing a "mood distortion" is critical, BUT YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE CORRECT WAY TO ACT after that recognition.
Many men recognize a mood distortion and then attempt to do whatever they can to get back on track with their wife. But they end up repeating the exact "niceties" that caused the problem in the first place. To use Pransky's parlance, these men experience a THOUGHT distortion. They think what they are doing will make their wife happy. But they are sadly mistaken. She doesn't just want them to be nice; she wants them to be a Man!
Until men can realize that they need to change their beliefs about what their wife wants, they can never fix their relationship—at least not permanently.
Next up: Compatibility
No comments:
Post a Comment