Men's Complaint #10: My Spouse's Job is her Top Priority

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #10: My Spouse's Job is her Top Priority

Matt, married 8 months, complains:

My wife is a teacher and brings a lot of work home with her — planning lessons and thinking of ways to help her students — but she neglects things that are happening at home. It makes our marriage feel one-sided. I’ve even helped her grade papers and create projects and presentations in an effort to be together. I understand that a demanding job requires more than 40 hours per week. But the project will end, the students will graduate, the client will outgrow your services. Your marriage is until death do you part.

Redbook’s expert says:

Being passionate about and invested in your career is a good thing, but like much else, it’s a question of balance. You may not suddenly be able to give up working from home or checking in with your boss via email, but you can set some basic guidelines that distinguish between personal and professional time. That might mean agreeing to after-hours tasks only every other day, or turning off your email alerts after 9 p.m. so you and your husband can give each other your undivided attention.

The Sigma Male says:

The expert gives good advice for this complaint; however, Matt's wife’s focus on her work indicates she is most likely experiencing stress, worry, or fear about her job — she is under attack from a “dragon.” Matt has made a good attempt to "slay dragons" by helping grade papers and create projects, but like many men he has tried to help his wife before fully understanding the actual cause of her stress. Paying closer attention to what she says in connection to her work will give him clues about how he can slay the real dragon.

What is the real, underlying cause of her anxiety?

• Is Matt working? (she may be feeling the weight of being the sole provider)
• Is the couple experiencing financial strain? (she may have concern that losing her job might have disastrous consequences)
• Does she have difficult students or parents? (she may worry that failing to always be prepared might result in uncomfortable confrontations)
• Does she have a problem with a supervisor or co-worker (she may be stressed about job performance or work environment)
• Is Matt taking responsibility for family planning, i.e. goal setting, scheduling, retirement planning, etc. (she may feel the fear of an unknown future)

These are only a few of the possible reasons his wife may seem more committed to her job than to their relationship. Simply assigning the problem to the inability to balance her life is unfair and most likely incorrect. Even tightly wound type-A personalities can let go of overwhelming work loads when they feel the total security that a dragonslaying husband can provide.

Taking the time to focus on “dragon recognition” — to understand the exact cause of his wife’s worry and concern — is the first step in resolving Matt's complaint. Actually taking care of the appropriate “dragon” for his wife will allow her the freedom to pay attention to “things that are happening at home."

----------

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Men have been indoctrinated in sensitivity over the last several decades, but in addition to becoming more sensitive, they have also been emasculated. Women don’t want sensitive men who are easily hurt and then pout or mope. They do want men who are sensitive but sensitive to them and their needs.

Men's Complaint #9: Emotional Support is a One-Way Street

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #9: Emotional Support is a One-Way Street

Joseph, married 5 years, complains:

Men today are expected to be in tune with their wives emotionally, and to express their own emotions better. But when the stressors of marriage hit, my wife has a tendency to turn inward and expect me to take care of her. I wish that she acknowledged that I, too, am stressed, grieving, or scared. It’s taxing to be the primary supporter, and sad to me when I have to turn to friends or family for empathy I should be able to get at home.

Redbook’s expert says:

It’s human nature to occasionally get so wrapped up in your own issues that it’s difficult to see someone else's perspective. “When we protect ourselves, we feel like we are the only one who feel a certain way,” says Thompson. “But once you sit down together and start looking at yourselves and how you’ve been impacted, most partners realize they feel the exact same way.” Voice your feelings of isolation before the next crisis comes up so you have a plan in place for when things get tough, like agreeing to take a few hours for yourself, then sitting down for a cup of coffee and a heart-to-heart.

The Sigma Male says:

Good insight from the expert, but she misses the most crucial truth of emotional communication: how you communicate is more important than what you communicate. In other words, when sharing feelings with your wife, what message do you actually share?

Men have been indoctrinated in sensitivity over the last several decades, but in addition to becoming more sensitive, they have also been emasculated. Women don’t want sensitive men who are easily hurt and then pout or mope. They do want men who are sensitive but sensitive to them and their needs. (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 137)

It’s not a question of whether or not a man has emotions or feels pain — he does! What’s more important is how he acts when he feels that pain. Acknowledging pain is fine, but after admitting his discomfort, does Joseph whine and complain or does he put his chin up and shoulder the burden?

I’m stressed/tired/hurt and I need to be comforted (I’m a baby) or I’m stressed/tired/hurt, but I’ll work through it (I’m a man).

Sure it’s hard to be a primary supporter, but that’s a man’s responsibility. A woman has every right to expect her husband to take care of her. If she didn’t think he was up to the task, she wouldn’t marry him in the first place.

I guarantee Joseph’s wife recognizes “turning to friends or family for empathy” for what it is: a need to complain and commiserate. Her reaction to his actions could best be described by this strong woman:

When someone seems more childish than manly, it’s not a turn-on. (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 56)

Always remember: men do feel pain, but a real man doesn’t let that pain keep him from doing his duty. And the more he shoulders that burden without complaint, the stronger and more attractive he becomes in his wife’s eyes.

----------

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Men have been indoctrinated in sensitivity over the last several decades, but in addition to becoming more sensitive, they have also been emasculated. Women don’t want sensitive men who are easily hurt and then pout or mope. They do want men who are sensitive but sensitive to them and their needs.

Men's Complaint #8: Lack of Intimacy

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #8: Lack of Intimacy

Mike, married 18 years, complains:

I care for my wife, but there is absolutely no intimacy in my marriage, and there hasn’t been for five years. It’s become a platonic arrangement, which she doesn’t seem to feel is a problem. We’ve discussed it many times, and in her mmd, there’s nothing wrong with a nonsexual relationship. So she’s not interested, and I’m certainly not going to force myself on her. There’s no turn-on for me if both people aren’t into it, but I wish she’d be open to the possibility again.

Redbook’s expert says:

Both you and your husband deserve equal say in your marriage, so it shouldn’t be up to one person to determine your sexual state as a couple. That’s partially because far more often than not, lack of sex is the symptom — not the problem. “When you get into a pattern for a really long time, it can be painful and difficult to change those habits,” says Thompson. If you’re dealing with a chasm this wide, it’s worth considering couples counseling.

The Sigma Male says:

Clarification: men consistently interchange the words "intimacy" and "sex," so at its core, this complaint is a repeat of #5.

As usual, the expert gets it partly right, but because she doesn’t recognize the real problem, she bails out and refers the couple to counseling.

Mike already has an equal say in determining the frequency of sex in his marriage. While his wife expresses her disinterest in sex verbally, experience dictates that Mike has been doing the same behaviorally: how a man acts always dictates his wife’s level of desire. Any couple who thinks the frequency of sex is up for discussion (“equal say”) is sorely mistaken. Why? Because men and women approach the topic of sex differently.

Because a Modern Man views his wife as an equal, he believes her perception of sex is the same as his. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

By simply recognizing the anatomical differences between men and women, it should be obvious sexual intercourse requires a woman to physically submit to a man. A man “gives” and a woman “receives.” In essence, a man dominates and a woman submits. Modern Men don’t recognize the significance of submission during sex. Modern Women do, which is why Modern Men don’t get much sex. 

Envision how difficult it is for your wife to willingly submit to you inside the bedroom if outside of the bedroom:

• She believes she is stronger than you because you don’t protect her.
• She believes she is smarter than you because you just don’t get it.
• She doesn’t respect you because you whine or pout. 
• She doesn’t desire you because you seem weak.
• She believes she is more dominant than you because she controls the sex. 
• She can’t follow you because you don’t know how to lead. (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 137)

For a woman to desire sex with her husband she must first find him desirable, which only occurs after she sees him as a real man — a man who is able to deliver on each the three Sigma Roles: Protector, Provider, and Presider. If we were to dig into the history of Mike’s marriage, we would discover that the frequency of sex diminished as he failed to fill each of these positive, dominant roles.

The answer to Mike’s complaint is easy: If he wants more sex, he needs to become a Sigma Male. 

----------

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Men's Complaint #7: My Spouse's Belief System Has Changed

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #7: My Spouse's Belief System Has Changed

Ken, married 12 years, complains:

My wife became increasingly religious after we got married, and she now has a very high standard of what being a ‘good enough’ Christian is. I try to do all of those things for her, but it’s never enough. I feel cut off emotionally and turned off sexually because I don’t think I can ever live up to her expectations. How can you act like you love someone when they don’t hold you in enough respect to consider you an equal?

Redbook’s expert says:

If one person’s faith is diverging from the other’s beliefs, make a joint effort to stay on the same page—or at least close chapters—as much as possible. “If you feel like his spiritual efforts aren’t good enough, you need to be honest with yourself and your husband,” says Thompson. Figure out what he can do to connect with you spiritually and otherwise, and consider enlisting the help of your religious leader, who’s likely dealt with issues like this before.

The Sigma Male says:

The expert focuses on the first aspect of Ken’s complaint (religious differences) and completely ignores the most pertinent information: his failure to live up to his wife's expectations and her lack of respect for him.

Based on my experience, Ken’s wife’s loss of respect has less to do with “being a 'good enough’ Christian" and more to do with Gender Role Reversal:

Sadly, once a Modern Man becomes...passive..., he realizes – consciously or subconsciously – his wife has lost respect for him. He recognizes he cannot lead his wife... To make up for her lost respect, he tries to micromanage other areas of their marriage in an attempt to convince himself – and his wife – he is still “The Man.”

When a husband acts this way, he becomes the most despised type of man: an impotent chauvinist who believes he is superior to his wife but has nothing but anger to back it up.

As he becomes increasingly mean and passive-aggressive, his actions backfire. The more dictatorial he is, the more vulnerable and wounded his wife becomes. This reduces her sexual desire even further, leading her to avoid sex even more. Eventually she has difficulty even partially submitting to her husband’s advances. Respect is gone; admiration is gone; love is gone. The cycle worsens with each passing year.(The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 137)

Many couples share differing religious beliefs and are still happy, even when their beliefs changed after marriage. While a woman may appreciate her husband’s moral fortitude, true respect is granted when he fills his roles as a man.

----------

Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

What is the Definition of Cheating?

Today I’m taking a slight detour from my ongoing analysis of men’s top 10 complaints to raise a seemingly strange question: would sex with a robot be cheating?

Yesterday The Daily Beast reported that one in five people in the United Kingdom would have sex with a robot, given the chance. The article further revealed that 46% of respondents admitted that they would “either get under the covers with a sexbot or not judge those who choose to.

The article used one factoid to explain why increasing numbers of men might consider a robot partner: in Japan, nearly half of women aged 16-24 are “not interested in or despise sexual contact.” For me, this raises a chicken/egg argument: are men turning to virtual relationships (as recently portrayed in the  Her ) because they perceive that women are less interested in sex, or are women less interested in sex because men are engaging in virtual relationships?

The idea of robo-sex spurred a lively debate on the radio this morning, specifically whether sex with a robot constitutes infidelity.

I’ve often commented that sex requires a woman to be at her most vulnerable, which means that to enjoy the moment she must feel completely safe — she must trust her partner completely.

Given that, what is your opinion?

What is the definition of infidelity? Would sex with a robot be cheating?

 

Men's Complaint #5: My Spouse Has Lost Interest in Sex

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #5: My Spouse Has Lost Interest in Sex

David, married 4 years, complains:

My wife was more voracious and sexually experienced than me when we first met, but once we got married, it’s like she flipped the switch to off. After seeing a therapist, she finally acknowledged that she wanted me to think she was a vixen so I’d fall in love with her. But then I asked her, "Did you ever think about what you might do if it worked?” If you make — and accept — a vow of sexual fidelity, then cut off the sex once the deal’s done, is it realistic to expect your partner to be okay with that?

Redbook’s expert says:

Switches don’t just get turned off. There is usually something more going on in situations like this. If you felt like you had to put on a mask to get your husband to marry you, you may want to examine what’s beneath the surface that made you feel that way. When individual issues come up in therapy, I think it’s important for both partners to look at them together.

The Sigma Male says:

Again, the expert has it partly right: there is more to situations like these. Some marriages may have true therapeutic issues, but most couples experience a diminished sex life because of Gender Role Reversal.

Once a wife becomes the dominant force in a marriage, she feels less desire for her weakened husband who seems less masculine. With each repetition of this cycle, she becomes increasingly dominant, more resentful, and less interested in sex. She cannot feel like a real woman in the presence of such a weak man who becomes merely a companion, or worse – a grown child. As a result, intimacy decreases for reasons candidly explained by this dominant woman: 

Ultimately, it gets down to pretty basic stuff. It’s hard to be the power broker during the day and the femme fatale at night. I can’t run the house, pay the bills – I feel like his mother – and then come home and have sex with him. (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 58)

During sex, a woman is at her most vulnerable. In order to allow herself to enjoy the experience, she must respect and trust her partner completely.

Envision how difficult it is for her to willingly submit to her husband in the bedroom if:

• She believes she is stronger than him because he doesn't protect her.
• She believes she is smarter than him because he just doesn't get it.
• She doesn’t respect him because he whines or pouts. 
• She doesn’t desire him because he seems weak.
• She believes she is more dominant than him because she controls the sex. 
• She can’t follow him because he doesn't know how to lead.

In this state of mind, what he considers a blissful experience can feel downright degrading to his wife.(The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 133)

The cure to Gender Role Reversal is for a man to learn Sigma behavior and become a Sigma Male.

To learn more, visit TheSigmaMale.com

Men's Complaint #4: My Spouse is not Romantic Anymore

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #4: My Spouse is not Romantic Anymore

Mark, married 26 years, complains:

I’ve been referred to by more than one woman as an incurable romantic. I once kidnapped the woman I was dating and told her that the next week would be spent in Jamaica. I enjoy sitting on the sofa in front of the fireplace watching romantic old movies. The night doesn’t have to end in bed for me to be happy. Unfortunately, my wife is no longer romantic, and I feel like my best quality is unappreciated.

Redbook’s expert says:

Relationships change and evolve, and sometimes the very qualities that attracted you to your husband are the ones that wind up making you nuts. It could be that you’re simply too stressed with the day-to-day to experience romance the same way — and that’s okay. The key is to come to a collective understanding of what sweet gestures now do it for you. A change of environment may do it — consider taking a break from the grind and going away for a long weekend.

The Sigma Male says:

The expert has one thing right: stress does take a toll on romance. But the idea that a change of environment can make a difference is a placebo at best.

Mark may think he is being truthful when he states that the evening doesn’t have to end in bed for him to be happy. Perhaps some of the time. But generally speaking, most men equate romance with sex…eventually. How long between the romance and the sex is just a matter of personality and drive.

Unfortunately, Mark is missing the key element necessary to reignite his wife’s romantic streak: safety and security.

A Modern Man believes he can purchase his wife’s favor: take her out on dates, buy her gifts, remember her birthday and anniversary, and so on. He mistakenly assumes these nice gestures will demonstrate his love and make his wife happy and in return, she will show her love and make him happy by giving him sex. Let’s see, you spend money on a woman and she has sex with you. Remind you of anything?

Men fail to realize their wife’s desire to have sex with them has absolutely nothing to do with taking her places and buying her things.

(The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 138)

In her book, The Female Brain, Dr. Louann Brizendine offers insight into what allows a woman to feel “romantic”:

Female sexual turn-on begins, ironically, with a brain turn-off. The impulses can rush to the pleasure centers and trigger [desire] only if the amygdala — the fear and anxiety center of the brain — has been deactivated. Before the amydala has been turned off, any last-minute worry — about work, about the kids, about schedules, about getting dinner on the table — can interrupt the march toward [desire].

In summary:

Let’s be completely fair to Modern Men. They don’t do nice things just for sex; they love their wives and want to make them happy.  But the only way you can create sexual desire in your wife is to make her feel completely secure and protected – unconditionally loved – which can never be accomplished by buying gifts or doing good deeds.

Understand this critical distinction between men and women:

For a man, sex leads to the security of feeling completely loved and needed. 

For a woman, the security of feeling completely loved and protected leads to the desire for sex.

(The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 138)

To learn how to implement the simple Sigma Skillset that will allow a woman to feel completely secure, visit TheSigmaMale.com.