George S. Pransky's book, The Relationship Handbook: A simple guide to satisfying relationships (ISBN 0971198802), is a lesser-known, self-published book that contains a number of strong insights into building a strong marriage. This book is worth reviewing as a supplement to my book, Dragonslayer, while working to overcome the disease of Gender Role Reversal.
Previous chapters: 1-A Fresh Start, 2-Compatibility, 3-Communication, 4-Moods, 5-Emotions, 6-Compassion, 7-Dissatisfaction
Chapter 8: Change
Pransky's Take
People can change effortlessly and permanently, in an instant.
The only way to change is to change the way we feel inside. Our thinking changes our outlook, and our behaviors follow suit.
When someone gets insecure, they retreat to a conditioned personality, a coat of armor made of bad habits and pretenses. This armor offers safety. When we feel secure again, we put the armor aside. Everyone is delightful and productive when operating without armor.
Changing your partner, however, is difficult at best. You need their permission—you must work as a team—and even if permission is grated, it is not always perpetual.
Therefore, we should focus on changing ourselves. By offering goodwill to our partner, it sets our own change into motion.
The stages of change are:
- Oblivious, unaware that there is even a problem
- Justifying, our reaction is due to the behavior of another
- Compulsive awareness, being aware of how we think, talk and act.
- Change, the need to repeat past behavior is gone.
To change, don’t focus on your behavior; instead, focus on the feeling you have that precedes the behavior.
The Sigma Male Says
Pransky's armor analogy of fits hand-in-glove with the skill of dragonslaying. When your wife feels insecure or unsafe, she builds a makeshift barricade to protect herself from the everyday dragons that you refuse to acknowledge. She will not come out from behind her self-constructed barricade until she feels completely secure.
Pransky is also correct in stating that you must focus on changing yourself. A man who believes wife needs to change first is mistaken; after all, his failure to offer protection is the source of the problem.
Once a man acknowledges the importance of fulfilling his role as Protector, he begins to see himself in a different light. The strength that comes from slaying his wife’s dragons makes it impossible to return to old, passive behaviors. His change is quick and permanent. And his wife’s barricade comes down just as fast.
Next up: Bringing out the best in people
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