George S. Pransky's book, The Relationship Handbook: A simple guide to satisfying relationships (ISBN 0971198802), is a lesser-known, self-published book that contains a number of strong insights into building a strong marriage. This book is worth reviewing as a supplement to my book, Dragonslayer, while working to overcome the disease of Gender Role Reversal.
Previous chapters: 1-A Fresh Start, 2-Compatibility, 3-Communication, 4-Moods, 5-Emotions, 6-Compassion
Chapter 7: Dissatisfaction
Pransky's Take
Being bothered is a learned, habitual behavior that can be dropped once it is seen as nothing more than a thought pattern.
Focusing on dissatisfactions creates a negative tone. In that atmosphere—in the absence of trust—people begin to look out for themselves.
Anything we spend a lot of time thinking about becomes a mindset. A mindset is:
- Self-validating
- Externally validating
- Lock you in an uncomfortable, but familiar, feeling state.
This means that if you have a mindset of dissatisfaction, you will see things in other’s behaviors that confirm your dissatisfaction. As a result, your world or your partner will never “be up to snuff."
To counter dissatisfaction, express positive thoughts and feelings instead. When a couple is relaxed and happy together they naturally look out for each other’s interests.
The Sigma Male Says
Once again, Pransky is correct in his observations. However, the difficulty lies in actually implementing his advice, because recognizing a flawed thought process is only half of the battle. Most struggling couples are stuck in the blame cycle, thinking that they are already doing everything in their power to make the relationship better while their spouse is not. As an example, Pransky asks an an audience close their eyes while he asks the following:
In your relationship, has your heart been in the right place? Deep down have you tried your best to do right by your spouse? If so, raise your hand.
All hands go up.
But when the same question is asked about their spouses' efforts, only a third of the hands go up.
While expressing positive thoughts and feelings eventually builds a positive mindset, the process can be long, laborious, and frustrating. Expressing positive emotions is easy when you know you will immediately receive positive feedback. But we know that positive feedback is not always the norm.
We’ve all been in situations where we have been positive while our spouse continues to be negative; in fact, sometimes a partner will respond to our efforts with increased negativity. And when you’re trying to develop a positive mindset, another person’s negativity can be absolutely exhausting.
I believe that the quickest way to for a man to develop a positive mindset in his relationship is to embrace the role of Sigma Protector: I am my wife’s ultimate Protector. I will not abandon the responsibilities of that role under any circumstance.
Imagine yourself a strong hero. For example, when a fireman rescues someone from a fire, does he quit because the individual responds to his efforts with negativity? just imagine:
Fireman: I’m here to get you out!
Homeowner: There’s no way out. We’re going to die!
Fireman: Why do you have to be so negative? You don’t appreciate anything I do for you. You’re on your own until you change your attitude .
As a Protector, your duty is to protect your wife physically, emotionally, and socially—NO MATTER WHAT. Taking on the role of Protector is empowering. You realize that you are strong enough to take any amount of negative feedback and still stay on the job.
Fireman: Lean on me. I know the way out.
Homeowner: The flames are too hot. I’ll get burned!
Fireman: I’ll shield you from the flames. Keep following me.
Homeowner: I can’t breathe!
Fireman: Don’t give up. We’re almost there.
At no time during this process does the fireman quit. He protects; he leads; he does his job.
And just as a complaining homeowner ultimately expresses gratitude for the fireman’s protection, your wife will respond to your protective strength in the same way.
Next up: Permanent Change
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