Bring It On: The Sigma Philosophy Can Take It

It’s rare to recognize the degree of a couple’s relationship struggles until after you hear about an impending divorce. Even then we can’t know what really went on behind closed doors — especially since most couples are unable explain where it all went wrong. And even if we are privy to any sordid details, it’s usually only half of the story.

I am the first to admit that back in the day I never discussed the specifics of my relationship problems with friends and family. I would occasionally make an off-the-cuff remark about being frustrated or commiserate in general, non-specific terms, but I never fully admitted the actual depth of my despair.  The truth is, when you’re wading through the muck and mire of an unhappy relationship it’s easy to fall prey to many different emotions: anger, frustration, depression, failure, and so on, which makes admitting the truth even harder.

Most of my family and friends were shocked at the number of personal details I chose to share with readers of The Sigma Male. But now that my wife and I are happy, it’s easy to describe — without hesitancy — how my missteps affected our relationship.

A few months before launching The Sigma Male, a friend asked me if I was “ready for the beat-down.” From his perspective — and he was correct — wading into an emotionally charged subject makes you a magnet for criticism — especially if you’re discussing deeply personal issues. As I mentioned, when something touches a nerve it’s hard to consider the possibility that you might be wrong.

As the Sigma Philosophy has gained momentum, criticism has begun to pop up more frequently. Interestingly, most of this negative feedback falls under the category of one of these common misperceptions:

1. Your work degrades women and confines men to a non-nurturing stereotype

What’s degrading about recognizing that strong women need even stronger men? And when have I ever said men can’t be nurturers? In reality, this criticism is usually connected to one of two points:

• Men need to preside in the home. Yes, but my definition of ‘preside’ is not aligned with the old authoritarian model. In its most basic form, presiding means taking responsibility for the outcome of all familial decisions. This does not mean a man makes all the decisions, nor does it mean that a woman cannot take responsibility as well. But a man cannot — he must not — shirk any responsibility for what goes on in the home. Irresponsibility breeds contempt, not desire.

• Men need to work, not be stay-at-home dads. Yes, but this doesn’t mean women can’t choose to work as well. The simple fact is, men who don’t provide for their family’s basic needs or who simply choose not to work become less desirable to their spouse. Many corollary studies confirm this point (a topic for a future post). I acknowledge that there are always exceptions: disability, temporary unemployment, or other unforeseen circumstances, but in the majority of cases, a man should earn a living.

2. You put too much blame on men. When a relationship struggles, both parties share the blame.

Yes, I tell men that it’s their fault if they’re experiencing difficulty in a relationship. Here’s why:

• Being a Sigma Male is hard work. True, the Sigma concepts are simple and a Sigma’s overall workload is lighter than what a non-Sigma does in a futile attempt to please his wife. Nonetheless, it’s still hard work. To be successful in a relationship, a man can’t give himself any “wiggle room” for excuses. In all walks of life, blaming someone else is the quickest way to a guaranteed failure. Women are not perfect — they have their own row to hoe — but that has nothing to do with a man having the strength to shoulder anything life throws at him.

• A man can change the nature of his relationship on his own. Research shows that men are more affected by a plethora of relationship issues that don’t seem to bother women. Perhaps a woman can change the nature of her relationship through her actions, but experience demonstrates that men tend to take what their wife does for them as a sure sign they are doing all the right things — which means that it’s business as usual. By contrast, when a man steps up, his wife will reciprocate with increased love, service, and support.

3. You oversimplify a very complex issue

If oversimplification means creating a model that readily defines a universal problem while providing a simple solution that works, then I’m guilty as charged. 

• Gender Role Reversal is the cause of most relationship unhappiness. I acknowledge that there are a multitude of complexities that factor into relationship success, but none has the same impact as does the interplay of basic gender roles. Whether these roles have evolved over a millennia of social norms (nurture) or are the product of biology (nature) does not matter. I have found that filling basic gender roles has a greater impact on a relationship than any other factor. All other counseling methodologies become nothing more than a band aid if you fail to address the underlying problem of Gender Role Reversal.

• Becoming a Sigma Male automatically fixes Gender Role Reversal. When a man learns how to Protect, Provide, and Preside, the strength of his lead makes him a competent partner, and there’s nothing more attractive than having a partner who makes the right moves.

Do you have a criticism I haven’t addressed? Email me at: info@thesigmamale.com or leave a comment below.

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 Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about importance of the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Financial Presiding: A Short Primer

I am often asked to explain the difference between Providing and Presiding with regard to finances. The answer is simple.

Providing requires you to hold a steady job and earn enough to provide your family with the necessities of life.

Presiding requires leadership and planning, which means you must have a complete understanding of your finances — present and future.

To see how rate as a financial Presider, take this short test:

A SELF-DIAGNOSTIC TEST TO DETERMINE IF YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK AS A FINANCIAL PRESIDER

1. I know my monthly expenses and net worth. 
2. I have a proactive financial plan that addresses my goals and objectives and is inclusive of an investment plan, an insurance plan, a retirement plan and an estate plan. 
3. I have addressed the most tax effective way that I can save money. 
4. I have a plan for putting money aside for investment each month. 
5. I  have a will. 
6. I understand what taxes will be payable upon my death or understand what probate fees are. 
7. I  know if I have the appropriate insurance coverage (life, disability, med/dental, business, long term care, critical illness) nor do I know if I am getting the best insurance rates. 
8. I have insurance to cover medical and service costs in my golden years (critical illness and or long term care). 
9. I know what my retirement plan will be worth when I retire or how much money I will need post retirement to live the lifestyle I desire. 
10. I know what my legal rights/obligations are in terms of my business associates or my life partner. 

Scoring
10: Strong Financial Presider: Congratulations. You have a proactive financial plan for prosperity. 
8-9: Financial Presider: Pay attention to the red flags you have circled. Your personal financial plan needs to be revisited.
6-7: Weak Financial Presider: You do not have a financial plan in place and if you continue on this path expect to go down the road to financial trouble.
5 or less: Financial non-Presider: You are in imminent danger of financial problems. Get help now! You are failing as a Financial Presider

self-test written by Irene Segal 

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 Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about importance of the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Out of Work? Better "Dig Deep!"

Ever wonder how losing your job affects your marriage?

USA Today's Regina Lewis summarizes research conducted at the University of Ohio and published by the American Journal of Sociology in this video:

Key point:

An employed woman is only more likely to initiate divorce than an unemployed woman if she reports being highly unsatisfied with the marriage. It's different for guys. They are more likely to leave a marriage, and they are more likely to be left if they are unemployed. Researchers involved with the study suspect this speaks to the fact that women working has become acceptable, but men not working does not sit as well.

Also:

If you find your marriage is strained by job loss, be mindful of the gender disparity. Women should not try to overcompensate, and men may need to dig deep for humility and resist the urge to flee.

Resisting the urge to flee is obvious, but what does it mean to be mindful of the gender disparity and dig deep for humility? More and more mainstream society is suggesting that men should “ swallow their pride, stay home, and become a “househusband.”

I disagree.

Men, if you lose your job you must work to become gainfully employed as soon as possible, even if it means taking a temporary job as a stop-gap measure. Your relationship happiness depends on you getting back in the game as soon as possible.

In their best-seller, Well Being: The Five Essential Elements, Tom Rath and Jim Harter address the connection between employment and a man’s sense of happiness. According to the authors, studies show that men can recover their well-being more rapidly after the death of a spouse than after a period of prolonged unemployment!

A key takeaway from USA Today’s report supports Rath and Harter’s assertion:

Your employment status may be the most telling harbinger of divorce.

Cashing an unemployment check week after week is the quickest way to start down that path, so avoid long-term unemployment at all costs.

Updated 7/17/2014 from a previous post

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

3 Simple Ways Women Can Strengthen Their Relationships

In connection with my list for men, here’s three ways women can help their husbands apply the Sigma Principles:

1. Thank him for completing a task, even when he doesn’t do it the way you’d like it to be done

Men have the capability to do things “right,” but they often approach tasks with a different set of priorities. When a man completes a simple to-do and his wife responds critically, he takes it as a denouncement of his upbringing or feels like he’s being treated like a child. Since most men are pleasers by nature, a quick acknowledgement will work wonders.

Example: Your husband loads the dishwasher with the bowls on the bottom rack instead of on the top. He also neglects to pre-sort the silverware like you do. Instead of correcting him you say, “Thanks for loading the dishwasher — that’s one less thing I have to worry about.”

Result: Because your husband wants to make you happy, recognizing his effort opens the door to future and more timely task completion. Who knows, he may even start paying attention to how you organize the dishwasher racks — but would it really matter if he didn’t? 

2. Praise him in front of the children, then tell them why he’s great

Criticizing a spouse in front of the children is a subtle type of abusive parental alienation that causes emotional damage. Conversely, nothing makes a man feel better than to be built up in front of his children — and also invites your children into his circle of protection, since you are verbally recognizing his role as Presider.

Example: You tell your husband, “Thanks for taking care of that leaky toilet,” then turn to your kids and say, “Anybody else would have called a plumber, but not your dad. He can fix anything.”

Result: Not only will your husband be ready and willing to take care of future tasks (see #1) but your children also become the beneficiaries of your praise. Parents who readily express appreciation for each other are more likely to raise secure, stable children who are less likely to act out.

3. Ask him to do a “manly” task, even if it’s one you usually do yourself

Without a doubt, today’s women are strong and capable, but the push for full equality has caused many women to avoid asking men for help while dissuading their husbands from offering it. When you allow your husband to help you with a “manly” task, you celebrate his role as a man.

Example: You say, “Could you get that big box down for me?” while giving his biceps a little squeeze.

Result: Asking a man to be a man — especially to be your man — will fill him with positivity while subtlety coaching him to look for additional ways to be your Protector.

These three techniques are easy to implement — even the most adversarial of relationships. But when a woman already feels vulnerable, she may have difficulty asking a her husband for help. Nevertheless, if she follows my suggestions, he will receive this important message loud and clear:

Although I am a strong, capable woman, I still need and want you in my life.

And that’s a message guaranteed to stoke the fires of your Sigma Male in training.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

3 Simple Ways Men Can Strengthen Their Relationships

I’m often asked for specific examples of how a man can apply the Sigma Principles to his relationship. Here are three of my favorites. 

1. Take ownership for mistakes she makes

Society believes that a guilty party must make restitution for a crime and human nature suggests suffering should be a part of that payment. When your wife is guilty of making a mistake, neither of these beliefs should apply. When you take responsibility for a negative outcome that is your wife’s responsibility, she knows that her security is more important to you than your need to be right.

Example: Your wife takes too long getting ready, making you late to a dinner party. Upon arriving you say, “Sorry we’re late. The day got away from me didn’t notice what time it was.”

Result: Your unselfish gesture engenders your wife’s loyalty. In the future she will do what she can to avoid being the cause of your undeserved pain.

2. Side with her instead of family or friends, even if you think she’s wrong

In marriage, blood is NOT thicker than water. Loyalty to your relationship must trump all other associations. Your wife needs to know you have her back no matter what.

Example: Your wife feels run down and would rather spend a holiday at home with the kids instead of packing up and traveling to see your extended family. Your father voices his displeasure and blames your absence on your “selfish” wife. You say, “Guess what? It was my idea to stay home and if you don’t stop ragging on my wife you’ll see a lot less of us.”

Result: Your family and friends will realize that the two of you have an unbreakable partnership and you will not be disloyal to her, even for “insignificant” reasons. In turn, your wife will reciprocate that loyalty.  

3. Pay attention to her small hurts

When a woman is seriously injured, men take notice; however, they tend to disregard a woman’s small hurts. Regardless the size or type of her injury, let your wife know she matters to you.

Example: Whether she gets a minor burn, suffers a paper cut, has sore muscle after working out, or hits her funny bone, your response should always be the same: “Ouch! That smarts, doesn’t it? Let me help take care of that.” Then apply a band-aid or massage the sore spot with as much tenderness as you can muster.

Result: If you demonstrate consistent caring for your wife’s small hurts, she’ll never doubt you’ll be there for the big ones.

Some men roll their eyes at these suggestions, insisting that behavior of this kind will only result in their wife rejecting the gesture as insincere or patronizing, or even worse, she will take advantage of this “weakness” in the future.

Not so, especially when you act with a good natured attitude combined with a healthy dose of kindness. If you do, your wife will hear you say:

You are more important to me than anything else in the world. I would do anything to protect you.

Sending that message is the essence of being a Sigma Male.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Can Real Men Cry?

As a subscriber and contributor to Quora, an excellent question-and-answer website, I regularly discover insightful relationship threads. Recently, I stumbled across an answer that did more than just answer a simple question; it presented a perfect example of Sigma behavior.

In response to the question, “How does it feel to get fired (lose your job) suddenly?” Jake Hawken, a sound designer and musician, wrote a lengthy and perceptive answer. I’ve shortened his post considerably, but you can read his full response here.

Jake and his pregnant wife were in the process of buying their first home when he received the bad news about his layoff. In Jakes own words (emphasis added):

I’m a bit shellshocked. It finally hits me and I head outside to call my wife. At this point, the adrenaline is catching up to whatever brought on the numbness from minutes before, and I’m hyperventilating a little bit. My wife answers and I don’t beat around the bush. “I just got laid off,” I spit out in despair.

Think of how devastating this news is, not just for me, but for her. She’s pregnant, we’re about to buy a house, and I’m losing my job. The natural reaction would be for her to start bawling into the phone and screaming or freaking out like I clearly already was. And that reaction would be completely understandable and not something that anybody could hold against her.

My wife instead said this: “Jake, it’s going to be ok. Things are gonna be fine. Do you need me to pick you up from the bus?” I told her I had till the end of the week and was going to finish up the work day and then head home at my normal time. We get the most devastating news ever, and instead of freaking out with me, she shows immense strength and compassion, and tells me that things are going to be ok.

I shamble in slow motion home. I get inside, and like usual, our dog is losing her mind with excitement that I’m home. My wife embraces me and I start to lose it again, but clamp back down. She’s in the middle of making dinner, so I let her get back to that and I slump down on the couch and let the dog climb all over me, showing me how happy she is that I’m home. From the kitchen (which, in that 680 sq/ft apartment, was about 10 feet away) my wife tells me something that must have been some kind of revelation from god or womanly intuition or something, because it’s exactly what I need to hear, “Jake, I want you to know that no matter what, I am not mad at you, or upset with you, or disappointed in you.” Well, ladies and gentlemen, after keeping a tight lid on it up to this point, I finally lost it. I broke down.

At this point you might assume Jake is not a Sigma Male, that his wife is the rock, not him.

Read on:

I told myself that I could have that one night to feel sorry for myself and be frustrated, angry, and negative. I decided that after that, I would be productive, optimistic, and driven. I wasn't sure how, because I tend to be kind of a pessimistic dude, but I knew I didn't really have a choice. I didn't have time for that crap.

I went to sleep and woke sometime after 5am because my wife was weeping in bed next to me. Losing the house was so devastating, especially when we had been so close. NOTE: Waking up to your wife crying in bed next to you is pretty much the worst thing in the world. Just saying.

Most of my next day was devoted to job hunting. Job applications, résumés, and cover letters make my head swim and my blood boil. They make me feel despondent and tired. They suck the life out of me. But I had promised myself that night before was my only allotted ”feeling sorry for myself” time, and so I approached the day with every ounce of can-do that I had in me.

As the day progressed, not only did I not get depressed, or feel hopeless, or get angry, but I actually began to feel positive. I began to feel like something good was in my future. I began to feel like things were going to get better. I felt a miraculous aura of comfort, optimism, and peace begin to infuse me. It ebbed and flowed a bit, that first full day on the job hunt, but as we drove home that night, it struck me in what I can only describe as a revelation. I turned to my wife and said, “You know what? Things are going to be ok. I know it.”

My wife, being the aforementioned saint that she is, was way ahead of me: “Oh, I know that. I don’t doubt it one bit.”

It's been a year and about eight months since this happened. I've done a lot of contract work and worked some crappy day jobs, but not only have we stayed afloat, we bought a house last October, and I have my final interview this week for a really fantastic full-time position doing exactly what I want to be doing. It's been a long path being underemployed (at pretty much the worst time to be looking for a job in the last 70 years), but things are finally on the up-and-up.

Remember, men do feel pain and sometimes even express that pain. But a man’s role ultimately requires him to shoulder life’s burdens and move ahead, just as Jake did.

Some men might argue that life’s most difficult burdens can only be carried with the support of an understanding wife. No doubt, a wife’s belief in your abilities makes it easier to work through a crisis, but ask yourself these questions:

• Has your past attitude and behavior demonstrated to your wife that her support actually makes a difference?
• Has your wife had faith in you in the past, only to have you let her down?

Regardless of his wife’s level of support, Jake had a responsibility fulfill. And I have no doubt that Jake’s wife knew what kind of man he already was: a Provider who had built a strong wall of protection around her.

When Jake awoke to find his wife in tears, he knew there was only one course of action: He had to be a rock, a man who would pay the price to keep his wife feeling safe and secure. And that’s what he did.

Sigma Males do exist. Jake Hawken is living proof.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Leader or Dictator?

Katy McLaughlin wrote an interesting piece in the Wall Street Journal about the benefit of having an occasional dictator in a marriage relationship. She cites an example where her husband went ahead and hired some house painters before she felt she was ready for them. She had not yet settled on each of the colors and was furious that he went ahead without having a consensus.

"We'll get started and figure it all out as we go," her husband told her. "It's time to make it happen."

Although McLaughlin later admits that he made the right decision — an admission that she is not yet ready to share with him — she concedes:

In a democratic system like a marriage, where two parties enjoy a 50-50 split in voting rights, it’s uncomfortable when one party designates himself or herself the dictator and makes a decree. 

But she also knows it is necessary to get things done.
In my book, The Sigma Male, I make this distinction: While decision-making can be split 50/50, true leadership cannot. A true leader is not a dictator — he does not make all of the decisions — but he must take responsibility for the outcome of all decisions. Someone has to, even if the stakes are not high. This greater lesson (taking responsibility for the outcome of decisions vs. just making them) is aptly described by McLaughlin:

One party having the total confidence that this is the right thing to do is, I believe, the first requirement for decree-making. It relates to the second requirement, which is a willingness to take responsibility for the consequences. It's not always possible to completely mitigate the impact after the fact, but it's important to let your spouse know you understand it will be your job to clean up any mess.

McLaughlin's husband, Alejandro, did just that. He made the decision and then stood ready to fix anything that might have come up as a result. This fact is not lost on his wife, as at the end of the article she says — tongue-in-cheek — that she’ll wait to “see how the house looks when the paint dries” before finally giving him due credit for the decision. In effect, he will have to maintain responsibility for his decision until she deems the work — ergo the issue — completed.
The article raises another point of interest for anyone interested in becoming a  Sigma Male. McLaughlin mentions a time when she decided the couple needed more life insurance because:

For Alejandro it was a nonissue: None of his Uruguayan friends or family have life insurance, which he considered a symptom of Yankee neurosis.

She uses this example to show that she too makes decrees in their marriage. However, I see her story as an example of a husband who really missed his chance to be his wife’s ultimate Protector and Presider. A man’s responsibility isn’t to gauge the size, ferocity, or reality of his wife's worries. Knowing that his wife was concerned about something should be enough to spur him into action. In this case, if McLaughlin was worried about life insurance, her husband’s opinions — and the opinions of friends and family — should’ve taken a back seat.
Had Alejandro taken appropriate action to begin with, McLaughlin wouldn’t have to have made a decree in the first place. The minute she told him that she was concerned about not having enough insurance, he should have said, “No problem. How much would you like me to get?"
Better yet, he should have upped the policy and given it to her along with a nice card  that read, “Don't ever worry about the future. I've got it covered."
Having followed that advice, I believe his wife would have let him paint the house chartreuse.
Well, maybe not chartreuse…
Updated and revised from a previous post.
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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.