Men's Complaint #3: Every Conversation is About the Kids

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #2: Every Conversation is About The Kids

Daniel, married 14 years, complains:

I know I’m at fault too, and that I sometimes take her for granted, but I resent my wife for always being the responsible one. She’s just trying to be a good mom, but it would be nice to have a normal conversation about life, and not just about the drama surrounding my daughter’s audition for the school play, for instance.

Redbook’s expert says:

There’s no question that having an open dialogue about your children is important, but we understand that it can get tedious after a while. Once the kids go to bed or while they’re out at weekend activities, make an effort to chat about lighthearted topics, like the results of a Buzzfeed quiz you both took, as well as more serious news or political issues to keep you connected and stimulated as a couple.

The Sigma Male says:

First, a man who resents his wife always being “the responsible one," especially where her kids are concerned, is not the responsible one. When a woman seems overly controlling or sensitive to the “drama” and needs of her children, it’s because she feels like a single mother, because if she’s not watching over them, who will? If she’s not the responsible one, who will be?

Modern marriage has a lot in common with high school group projects; women take the role of straight-A student and men get labeled as the slacker. A woman’s capability leads to controlling behavior only after she has decided her husband isn’t as interested or competent as she is. Just like a straight-A student, she comes to believe she has to do everything herself but resents having to partner with an indifferent husband who does “none of the work.” Her husband can’t relate to this mindset because he also thinks he is working hard. Usually, neither believes the other works as hard as they do. 

Men are just as competent as women but can appear incompetent when it doesn’t matter to them. This is why they can’t seem to get the dishes completely clean, fold the laundry right, feed or dress the kids correctly, drive safely, or make a timely reservation. Women often seem to care more, which makes them appear more conscientious, careful, and compassionate. And when women determine they are the “top kid on the project,” the pressure falls on them to get it done right. Husbands simply shrug and walk away, wondering what all the fuss is about.

Knock yourself out, sweetheart. You go girl! I’ll be here on the couch if you need me. (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, pp. 149-150)

Want your wife to talk less about the kids? Take responsibility for parental leadership and watch what happens. As soon as your wife knows that you’re a capable and reliable caretaker, she won’t feel nearly as burdened.

Second, Daniel does not recognize his wife’s communication for what it is: a cry for help and support, that she is being attacked by a “dragon.”

Regardless of their type, all dragons have one thing in common: they set off negative emotions in your wife, be it frustration, anger, depression, worry, or fear. Negative emotions are the first sign at least one dragon is in the vicinity. And when you verbally acknowledge the actual problem, your wife knows you recognize the dragon. 

Carefully review the…examples of small, self-made, and imaginary dragons and you will recognize why Modern Men are blind to most of them. They try to listen but come to the wrong conclusion. Instead of hearing their wife cry, “Dragon!” they hear, “Complain-complain, whine-whine, nag-nag, accuse-accuse.” (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 88)

Want your wife to talk less about the kids? Recognize her dragon (her concern), acknowledge it, and offer to take care of it. When your wife knows you’re there to protect her and her children — that you are able to recognize and slay her dragons — she will relax and be ready to move on to more enjoyable topics of conversation.

To learn how to recognize and slay your wife’s dragons, inquire about Sigma Coaching and my book The Sigma Male at TheSigmaMale.com

Men's Complaint #2: The Fun Times Have Faded

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #2: The Fun Times Have Faded

Christian, married 6 years, complains:

When you’re dating, it’s all about having fun together. But so much of that goes away once you’re married. It would be nice if we could collaborate to have some fun together. I guess the problem is that we’re both beaten down by responsibility, and she thinks I should make the plans. Yes, it would be more romantic for her if I planned something, but the feeling goes both ways.

Redbook’s expert says:

Good news: If you both feel like you need more one-on-one time, you’re already on the same page, which means you’re well on your way. The next step is to stop keeping a mental score sheet of who made plans the last time and put it on both of you to jump at the opportunity to, say, see a band you like when they perform nearby or try a new restaurant with an innovative menu. In the end, it matters way less who dealt with the logistics than the fact that you bonded and enjoyed your time together.

The Sigma Male says:

Look carefully at Christian’s complaint. He talks about collaborating with his wife but then adds it would be nice if she would plan something (“the feeling goes both ways”). Modern men have become so indecisive that they think that every decision should be made by committee. What they really want is for their wives to take responsibility for every decision, which effectively lets them off the hook, allowing them to become a passive bystander if something doesn’t turn out as planned. “Why are you upset?” men ask. “After all, that's what you wanted to do.” 

In coaching sessions, women tell me they’d like to see their husbands:

1. Make a firm decision/plan “for once"
2. Accept responsibility for that decision, whether it turns out good or bad

Modern men’s decision-adverse personalities come from not wanting to be thought of as controlling or domineering. True, few woman want to be told what to do. But deciding together to go out (like the expert says) is different than following up that desire with decisive action. If your wife expresses a desire to get out of the house, take the bull by the horns. Here’s an example of part of the Sigma Skillset I teach in coaching:

Wife (by phone): I’m really tired tonight. I’m giving the kids left-overs. I hope you’re OK with that.

Husband: That’s fine. How about I take you out for dinner? How’s Mexican sound?

Wife: I’m tired of Mexican.

Husband: There’s a new Chinese place downtown.

Wife: I had Chinese food with Angie yesterday.

Husband: Italian?

Wife: Too many carbs.

Husband: We haven’t had Greek in a while.

Wife: That sounds good.

Husband: Greek it is. There’s a place we haven’t tried right down the street. Janie [oldest daughter] can watch the kids while we’re out. I’ll see you in a bit.

The key to a “collaborative” decision? Even though this man's wife signs off on the choice, he makes the decision by giving options and then pulling the trigger at the end.

And there’s one more piece of the puzzle that is the most important component of the decision-making process:

If any part of the evening doesn’t go well, the man must take responsibility for the outcome of the choice.

Wife: That was the worst Greek food I’ve ever eaten. And the bathroom was filthy.

Husband: You’re right. I shouldn’t have insisted on Greek. We'll avoid that place next time.

Perhaps this give and take seems complicated, but learning the Sigma Skillset makes this interaction happen naturally, and the Sigma Skillset is easy to learn, because it requires only one communication technique and it’s the same in every situation.

For more information about Sigma Coaching and my book The Sigma Male, visit our website: TheSigmaMale.com

Men's Complaint #1: Lack of Appreciation

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #1: Lack of Appreciation

Jim, married 21 years, complains:

I wish she’d appreciate me a little more, like by being affectionate when I come home instead of greeting me with the list of stuff I didn’t take care of and the things I didn’t do right. I know it’s tough for her dealing with the house and kids, but there’s never an acknowledgment that I just spent all day working and took a crowded train home.

Redbook’s expert says:

Whether you work in an office, run a household, or some combination of the two, you’re both likely frustrated with your heaping plates of responsibility. And although it’s a natural reaction, piling on more the second your partner steps through the door is not the best way to get him to hear or help you. “Instead of leading with a list, understand that he may need a few minutes to unwind,” says Kara Thompson, a licensed family and marriage therapist in Lenexa, KS. You’ll both listen better when you’ve decompressed and can actually focus on the issues at hand.

The Sigma Male says:

Both Jim and the expert are missing the point.  Even if Jim did take a few minutes to unwind — or even a few hours — he would end up resenting his wife’s insistence that he get to work and give her more help around the house. Why? Because Gender Role Reversal is in place; she is treating him like a hired hand. All the “decompressing” in the world can’t overcome a Gender Role Reversal. If your wife is constantly hounding you for more help around the house it’s a sure sign that you are not adequately filling the Sigma Role of Presider.

Think of it this way: When I hire a plumber to fix my toilet, I don’t greet him at the door with a hug and kiss and tell him to relax for a while in front of the TV. I expect him to get the job done without any whining or complaining. He works for me; we have a client/worker relationship. My plumber doesn’t gripe if I take him directly to the source of the problem and tell him to take care of it. If he did complain or told me he needed time to decompress first, I would find another plumber.

My book, The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, explains how a man reaches the status of work-for-hire in his own house:

When a husband helps with the chores (maintenance) but fails to Preside in the home (leadership), his wife usually ends up shouldering this role. No wonder she feels stressed. In this situation, a wife never appreciates her husband’s help as much as he thinks she should, which is why he receives less gratitude than a hired hand. (TSM, p. 117)

If you don’t want to be treated like a hired hand, you have to change your role from house-boy to Presider.

Once a man fills the Presider Role (steps up to major decisions and accepts responsibility for their consequences, discusses and plans for the future, provides spiritual and moral leadership, recognizes his family’s needs and takes care of them, etc.) his wife’s level of stress will diminish and the to-dos around the house will become secondary — she knows they’ll get taken care of when her husband has time for them. And the sacrifices he makes for his family outside the home will be highly appreciated — as will any work he does around the house.

Top 10 Complaints of Unhappy Spouses

Recently, Redbook posted a list of the 10 biggest complaints of unhappy spouses.

Can you guess whether this list was generated by men or women?

1. Lack of appreciation
2. The fun times have faded
3. Every conversation is about the kids
4. Spouse is not romantic anymore
5. Spouse has lost interest in sex
6. Disagreements about decisions
7. Spouse’s changing belief system
8. Lack of intimacy
9. Emotional support is a one way street
10. Spouse’s job is the top priority

Surprisingly, these complaints come from unhappy HUSBANDS!

Are you in agreement? Do any of these complaints sound familiar? How would you address these issues with your spouse?

I believe this list represents what’s gone wrong in modern relationships. Over the next 10 days I’ll break down these complaints and tell you how a Sigma Male would address each of them.

Stay tuned...

Metro Harassment: Where's a real man when you need one?

On my way to work I listened to a story about the growing problem of sexual harassment on metro and subway systems.

The D.C. Metro recently launched a campaign "to let people know that it’s not okay to sexually harass people on the Metro.” They now have a website dedicated to receiving reports and volunteers are passing out bracelets and flyers to raise public awareness.

Really?

Let’s be honest. The “people” who are getting harassed are women. By men.

Although women are strong enough to deal with the issue on their own, as demonstrated by the actions of one woman who “shoved the [offender] out of his seat,” my question is this:

Why did all the witnesses react with “shock” and “not know how to address it”?

Men, your role is to Protect women, whether they are your wife, daughter, mother, or complete strangers.

In today’s violent society, I’m not suggesting a physical confrontation is necessary — although tossing the pervert off the moving train would have been completely appropriate. But any man could have stood up, apologized to the woman, and offered her his seat, then taken his new seat — next to the offender!

And imagine what the response of the female passengers would have been if men had escorted the harassed women off the train at her stop while offering to help in any way they could.

It makes me sad to think that women would hesitate to turn to male passengers for help — even though they should not have to ask in the first place.

Men, it’s time to learn Sigma behavior and reclaim your role as Protectors.

Readers, what do you think?

The Truth About Porn Why it Hurts, not Helps Your Sex Drive and Relationship

Part of my practice consists of my anti-aging clinic, Total T, where I help men feel younger through testosterone replacement therapy. As I mention in my book, The Sigma Male, this treatment has many benefits for men with low testosterone levels: it increases energy and muscle mass, burns fat, enhances clarity and focus, improves mood, and increases sex drive.

However, because many of my client’s relationship status is less-than optimal, when their increased desire is rebuffed by their wife, they turn to porn.

I recently received the following enlightened email (along with a sales pitch for testosterone therapy) from fitness trainer, Vince Del Monte. It’s a bit long, but worth a read:

Warning: This email contains information of a sensitive nature. Reader discretion is advised. 

There are many reasons why we men would want to increase our testosterone levels. All of them, in a roundabout way, whether it's to look better, feel better, or be better, can be linked to one thing: SEX.

With that said... there’s one increasingly popular activity that may be the primary reason for an inability to ‘get it up.’ And with our manhood linked so tightly to our sexual performance, that’s pretty darn scary!

The activity: watching porn. Here are 5 scary facts about porn and how it’s destroying your sex drive and your manhood. 

WARNING: I understand how some of this may sound far-fetched and I hate to be the one to crash a good time. It's not my opinion - how this activity is killing your sex drive - so, let’s just stick to the science. No judging. No guilt-trips. No bible-thumping. Just straight talk man-to-man! Cool? 

1. It diminishes your desire for sex in the real world.

When you watch porn your brain releases chemicals, like dopamine, that are triggered by the visual stimulation that pornography provides and acts just as the physical stimulation of sex. What happens, though, is you become increasingly dependent on the visual stimulation to get aroused, in turn, relying less on the physical touching and caressing ofreal sex.

2. The more you do it the more you need it.

Becoming dependant on pornography works like any other addiction. You become addicted to the high (dopamine), and it’s this high and this high alone that will satisfy your craving.

So where you once loved to have sex with your lady, you’re now hooked on the visual stimulation that triggers those parts in your brain responsible for pleasure even more intensely – and more frequently – than actual sex now does.

Note: Have you tried to quit porn? Not so easy, am I right? This isn’t because you just like it, it’s because you’re actually addicted to it...

3. It will make you desire your lady less.

As you get used to this visual stimulation, usually filled with massive boobs and acts that a respectable lady would never partake in, you require the same stimulation... (and eventually more nasty stuff which leads to a pretty disgusting downward and dangerous slope, stuff like physical abuse, choking, and weird stuff of the sort).

MINI RANT: 

Your lady has no chance of performing like a highly paid porn star (most pull in upwards of $1,500 a scene and $250K a year!) just like YOU have ZERO chance of peforming like a paid male porn star.

And would you actually want her to? Think about it. Would you want the mother of your children or wife or future wife (or dare I say, your daughter or sister or niece) to be degrading herself like those paid performers do? Would you want other men to be objectifying her? Sorry to hit close to home but THOSE girls ARE someone's daughters, sisters and mothers! That's what you call smelling salts ... 

And another thought... Imagine if your lady thought it was normal for you to please her for 45+ minutes because she watched too much porn that distorted her view of reality. How would you feel as a man if you couldn't satisfy her like she thought you were "supposed to?" I don't know about you, but that would be pretty demoralizing to my self-esteem. Switch the roles!

RANT OVER.

Listen ... the porn industry in the U.S. alone pulls in over $13 BILLION DOLLARS annually and is destroying families and relationships left and right, which is partly the reason why you won’t hear this from very many other sources – because porn = big money. 

It’s worked its way into our society to the point that if you’re a guy and you’re proving that porn is bad you’re simply not cool or living in the dark ages.

But I want the truth. I want you to live an epic life filled with an epic sex drive and I want you to experience it the way it was intended! 

4. Your expectations change dramatically.

I just touched on this briefly, but you may have started with “simple porn," or sex between a man and a woman, where they’re simply “doing it,” but how long did that last before you needed to “upgrade” to a whole other level of porn (or frequency) to find that same stimulation?

My guess is, not long. And once you’ve advanced to more degrading pornography, the snowball effect is in full swing and you’ll soon have to graduate once again to even more graphic stuff and this can lead to a life of lies, guilt and shame... Not what I want for you and NOT what you deserve.  

You’ll eventually get to the point – if you’re not already there – where only the most perverse acts stimulate you in the same way that the “simple porn” once did. It’s these acts that no respectable woman will perform – sorry, it’s just the truth.

And so, with no woman able to stimulate you in the same way or same frequency pornography does, you’re left unable to perform “normal,” good, loving sex with a partner because of your dramatically changed expectations.

5. It’s a great way to become impotent.  

Embarrassing! A man’s worst nightmare, whether you’re 26 or 66. Let’s run through this as simply as possible...

You want to, in a roundabout way, increase your testosterone levels so you can have more and better sex with your lady, through building muscle or burning fat or directly impacting your sex drive.

But you also want to watch porn. Ah, a dilemma. As you watch porn you’re stimulated by the visual act occurring in front of you. But that act needs to evolve, so you evolve your tastes. You require weirder and weirder stuff to get off until it’s all you can get off to.

You become dependant on porn to get hard.

If you're not experiencing this yet... you WILL. 

One of my favorite warning is: Small Steps, Big Destruction!

Watching a little porn isn't going to ruin your life overnight... just like one cookie won't ruin your body overnight... It's The Compound Effect (which is another brilliant book by the way).

No woman can fulfill this visual stimulation even if they’re willing to do the messed up, degrading stuff that you’re watching.... and even after a lot of booze... 

Another thought: You want a woman who will challenge you to become a respectable and noble man, not one who allows you to degrade her at a moment's notice – am I right?

So you want to boost testosterone to have more sex, better sex, and fulfilling sex, but there’s one thing that’s standing in your way and that’s your addiction to pornography.

Now you’re at a crossroads. Is it porn you want or sex you want?

Listen... this is one of those real issues every man needs to wrestle with and DEAL WITH.... Don't sweep it under the rug or else it'll come back and embarrass you, and dare I say destroy you... 

It takes a real man to recognize this stuff has zero positive benefit. It's a downward spiral. It can ruin your life. I know this sounds really crazy based on the culture we live in... 

I understand that eveything around you is telling you to indulge. If you're a "real" guy, you're supposed to be a sexual beast, a stud, a leader of the pack, a stallion the ladies can't resist -- right?

WRONG!

You're supposed to be a man STRONGER than his physical urges or emotional responses. You're supposed to be a warrior who is willing to FIGHT for something more important than yourself. 

Read that OUT LOUD 10x! 

It all starts by learning how to optimize your body's testosterone levels naturally, which will help you look better and feel better and that will give you the confidence to do better and be better -- the only two ways to leave a true legacy!

LASTLY: 

If I came across as judgmental in any way, shape, or form, it was NOT MY INTENTION. And if my message causes feelings of guilt, again... NOT MY INTENTION. It's NEVER too late to TURN AROUND. 

You are DESTINED for greatness and I refuse to let you end up on the path of destruction. I refuse to let your life turn into a slow-motion train wreck. 

As you may imagine, this email was NOT easy to write.  I'm a hot blooded Italian man and I struggle with this stuff every single day, like everyone else.

And I know that us men will go to great lengths to fool ourselves, working hard to deny that we're risking everything for a few moments of pleasure. Stand firm, my friend!

Be bold! Live large! Make things happen!

Vince

Many sexually frustrated men employ a chicken/egg argument: If my wife would give me more sex, it would solve the problem and I would be a better man. This mode of thinking is illogical.

The only way your wife will desire more sex with you is if you become a better man—a Sigma Male—first. And porn does not make you a better man.

What Function Do Men Serve in the Modern World?

click here for the complete comic strip

Scott Adam’s comic strip Dilbert says it best:

When a man is not a Sigma Male, the alternatives are “disturbing."