Men's Complaint #2: The Fun Times Have Faded

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #2: The Fun Times Have Faded

Christian, married 6 years, complains:

When you’re dating, it’s all about having fun together. But so much of that goes away once you’re married. It would be nice if we could collaborate to have some fun together. I guess the problem is that we’re both beaten down by responsibility, and she thinks I should make the plans. Yes, it would be more romantic for her if I planned something, but the feeling goes both ways.

Redbook’s expert says:

Good news: If you both feel like you need more one-on-one time, you’re already on the same page, which means you’re well on your way. The next step is to stop keeping a mental score sheet of who made plans the last time and put it on both of you to jump at the opportunity to, say, see a band you like when they perform nearby or try a new restaurant with an innovative menu. In the end, it matters way less who dealt with the logistics than the fact that you bonded and enjoyed your time together.

The Sigma Male says:

Look carefully at Christian’s complaint. He talks about collaborating with his wife but then adds it would be nice if she would plan something (“the feeling goes both ways”). Modern men have become so indecisive that they think that every decision should be made by committee. What they really want is for their wives to take responsibility for every decision, which effectively lets them off the hook, allowing them to become a passive bystander if something doesn’t turn out as planned. “Why are you upset?” men ask. “After all, that's what you wanted to do.” 

In coaching sessions, women tell me they’d like to see their husbands:

1. Make a firm decision/plan “for once"
2. Accept responsibility for that decision, whether it turns out good or bad

Modern men’s decision-adverse personalities come from not wanting to be thought of as controlling or domineering. True, few woman want to be told what to do. But deciding together to go out (like the expert says) is different than following up that desire with decisive action. If your wife expresses a desire to get out of the house, take the bull by the horns. Here’s an example of part of the Sigma Skillset I teach in coaching:

Wife (by phone): I’m really tired tonight. I’m giving the kids left-overs. I hope you’re OK with that.

Husband: That’s fine. How about I take you out for dinner? How’s Mexican sound?

Wife: I’m tired of Mexican.

Husband: There’s a new Chinese place downtown.

Wife: I had Chinese food with Angie yesterday.

Husband: Italian?

Wife: Too many carbs.

Husband: We haven’t had Greek in a while.

Wife: That sounds good.

Husband: Greek it is. There’s a place we haven’t tried right down the street. Janie [oldest daughter] can watch the kids while we’re out. I’ll see you in a bit.

The key to a “collaborative” decision? Even though this man's wife signs off on the choice, he makes the decision by giving options and then pulling the trigger at the end.

And there’s one more piece of the puzzle that is the most important component of the decision-making process:

If any part of the evening doesn’t go well, the man must take responsibility for the outcome of the choice.

Wife: That was the worst Greek food I’ve ever eaten. And the bathroom was filthy.

Husband: You’re right. I shouldn’t have insisted on Greek. We'll avoid that place next time.

Perhaps this give and take seems complicated, but learning the Sigma Skillset makes this interaction happen naturally, and the Sigma Skillset is easy to learn, because it requires only one communication technique and it’s the same in every situation.

For more information about Sigma Coaching and my book The Sigma Male, visit our website: TheSigmaMale.com