Men's Complaint #1: Lack of Appreciation

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #1: Lack of Appreciation

Jim, married 21 years, complains:

I wish she’d appreciate me a little more, like by being affectionate when I come home instead of greeting me with the list of stuff I didn’t take care of and the things I didn’t do right. I know it’s tough for her dealing with the house and kids, but there’s never an acknowledgment that I just spent all day working and took a crowded train home.

Redbook’s expert says:

Whether you work in an office, run a household, or some combination of the two, you’re both likely frustrated with your heaping plates of responsibility. And although it’s a natural reaction, piling on more the second your partner steps through the door is not the best way to get him to hear or help you. “Instead of leading with a list, understand that he may need a few minutes to unwind,” says Kara Thompson, a licensed family and marriage therapist in Lenexa, KS. You’ll both listen better when you’ve decompressed and can actually focus on the issues at hand.

The Sigma Male says:

Both Jim and the expert are missing the point.  Even if Jim did take a few minutes to unwind — or even a few hours — he would end up resenting his wife’s insistence that he get to work and give her more help around the house. Why? Because Gender Role Reversal is in place; she is treating him like a hired hand. All the “decompressing” in the world can’t overcome a Gender Role Reversal. If your wife is constantly hounding you for more help around the house it’s a sure sign that you are not adequately filling the Sigma Role of Presider.

Think of it this way: When I hire a plumber to fix my toilet, I don’t greet him at the door with a hug and kiss and tell him to relax for a while in front of the TV. I expect him to get the job done without any whining or complaining. He works for me; we have a client/worker relationship. My plumber doesn’t gripe if I take him directly to the source of the problem and tell him to take care of it. If he did complain or told me he needed time to decompress first, I would find another plumber.

My book, The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, explains how a man reaches the status of work-for-hire in his own house:

When a husband helps with the chores (maintenance) but fails to Preside in the home (leadership), his wife usually ends up shouldering this role. No wonder she feels stressed. In this situation, a wife never appreciates her husband’s help as much as he thinks she should, which is why he receives less gratitude than a hired hand. (TSM, p. 117)

If you don’t want to be treated like a hired hand, you have to change your role from house-boy to Presider.

Once a man fills the Presider Role (steps up to major decisions and accepts responsibility for their consequences, discusses and plans for the future, provides spiritual and moral leadership, recognizes his family’s needs and takes care of them, etc.) his wife’s level of stress will diminish and the to-dos around the house will become secondary — she knows they’ll get taken care of when her husband has time for them. And the sacrifices he makes for his family outside the home will be highly appreciated — as will any work he does around the house.