Men's Complaint #3: Every Conversation is About the Kids

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #2: Every Conversation is About The Kids

Daniel, married 14 years, complains:

I know I’m at fault too, and that I sometimes take her for granted, but I resent my wife for always being the responsible one. She’s just trying to be a good mom, but it would be nice to have a normal conversation about life, and not just about the drama surrounding my daughter’s audition for the school play, for instance.

Redbook’s expert says:

There’s no question that having an open dialogue about your children is important, but we understand that it can get tedious after a while. Once the kids go to bed or while they’re out at weekend activities, make an effort to chat about lighthearted topics, like the results of a Buzzfeed quiz you both took, as well as more serious news or political issues to keep you connected and stimulated as a couple.

The Sigma Male says:

First, a man who resents his wife always being “the responsible one," especially where her kids are concerned, is not the responsible one. When a woman seems overly controlling or sensitive to the “drama” and needs of her children, it’s because she feels like a single mother, because if she’s not watching over them, who will? If she’s not the responsible one, who will be?

Modern marriage has a lot in common with high school group projects; women take the role of straight-A student and men get labeled as the slacker. A woman’s capability leads to controlling behavior only after she has decided her husband isn’t as interested or competent as she is. Just like a straight-A student, she comes to believe she has to do everything herself but resents having to partner with an indifferent husband who does “none of the work.” Her husband can’t relate to this mindset because he also thinks he is working hard. Usually, neither believes the other works as hard as they do. 

Men are just as competent as women but can appear incompetent when it doesn’t matter to them. This is why they can’t seem to get the dishes completely clean, fold the laundry right, feed or dress the kids correctly, drive safely, or make a timely reservation. Women often seem to care more, which makes them appear more conscientious, careful, and compassionate. And when women determine they are the “top kid on the project,” the pressure falls on them to get it done right. Husbands simply shrug and walk away, wondering what all the fuss is about.

Knock yourself out, sweetheart. You go girl! I’ll be here on the couch if you need me. (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, pp. 149-150)

Want your wife to talk less about the kids? Take responsibility for parental leadership and watch what happens. As soon as your wife knows that you’re a capable and reliable caretaker, she won’t feel nearly as burdened.

Second, Daniel does not recognize his wife’s communication for what it is: a cry for help and support, that she is being attacked by a “dragon.”

Regardless of their type, all dragons have one thing in common: they set off negative emotions in your wife, be it frustration, anger, depression, worry, or fear. Negative emotions are the first sign at least one dragon is in the vicinity. And when you verbally acknowledge the actual problem, your wife knows you recognize the dragon. 

Carefully review the…examples of small, self-made, and imaginary dragons and you will recognize why Modern Men are blind to most of them. They try to listen but come to the wrong conclusion. Instead of hearing their wife cry, “Dragon!” they hear, “Complain-complain, whine-whine, nag-nag, accuse-accuse.” (The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want, p. 88)

Want your wife to talk less about the kids? Recognize her dragon (her concern), acknowledge it, and offer to take care of it. When your wife knows you’re there to protect her and her children — that you are able to recognize and slay her dragons — she will relax and be ready to move on to more enjoyable topics of conversation.

To learn how to recognize and slay your wife’s dragons, inquire about Sigma Coaching and my book The Sigma Male at TheSigmaMale.com