This week I stumbled across a great quote from comedian Bill Cosby:
While this may come across as irreverent, I think Mr. Cosby is on to something.
Most men tend to ignore their wife's problems because they believe her stressors are small, self-made, or imaginary. They figure should should take care of her own problems.
True, women are strong enough to handle things on their own, but that doesn't mean they don't appreciate a man who cares enough to understand what they need and then do something about it.
Consider this typical scenario:
Wife: I can't believe how rude Janie was to me today!
Husband: Uh-huh….What's for dinner?
Wife stomps off muttering under her breath.
Husband: What's with her?
Let's apply Bill Cosby's advice to the same scenario:
Wife: I can't believe how rude Janie was to me today!
Husband (in deeper voice): Janie was rude? What did she say?
Wife: She said I am always late and everyone was sick of it.
Husband (in deeper voice): She accused you of always being late?
Wife: Yes! And it was obvious that nobody else agreed with her. Susan just rolled her eyes and mouthed "I'm sorry."
Husband (in deeper voice): Man! I can't believe she would think she could speak for the whole group.
Wife: I know. I'm rarely late. I just had to swing by the school on my way to the meeting because Chris forgot his lunch today.
Husband (in deeper voice): Well, it really sucks to get blamed for something when you were just trying to take care of your kids.
Wife: Right! It really pisses me off.
Husband (in deepest voice yet): I can tell you're upset. Maybe I should give her a piece of my mind.
Wife (hugging her husband): It's OK. I just needed to vent.
A critical skill that men need to learn is active listening, or rephrasing what is said to show that you understand. In other words, hearing what your wife thinks and repeating it back in a deeper voice.
Try not to parrot back what you hear word for word — although you might have to until you get comfortable with this technique. After a while you'll find that when you pay close attention, it's easy to lead a conversation when you can restate what your wife is feeling.
The first thing your wife wants is for you to understand what she's going through and that you're there for her.
The second thing she wants — but won’t tell you — is a man who's capable of taking care of a problem. That doesn’t mean you’ll actually have to solve every issue that comes up, but the fact that you CAN will instill a great deal of security and confidence.
Always be sure to close a session of active listening with an offer to help. Most likely your wife won't feel the need to accept your offer but she will always appreciate the fact that you're willing to act, if necessary.
Remember: Your wife doesn't want to hear what you think. She wants to hear what she thinks — in a deeper voice!
Updated 10/11/2014
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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.
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