Why Lady Gaga Dates a Sigma Male

Is Lady Gaga dating a Sigma Male? Well, according to a report in Us Weekly:

The “Applause" singer admitted during a radio interview on Sirius XM's The Morning Mash Up that she's submissive to boyfriend Taylor Kinney.

This seems in complete conflict with her work persona, where Gaga is reported to be in “complete control on stage and on camera.” But she confirms:

I’m in charge all day long, the last thing I want to do is tell him what to do. I mean, when I am home, I am like, shoes are off, I'm making him dinner.

Gaga doesn’t seem like that type of woman that would bow down to anyone, especially a man, but she adds: 

It's not good for relationships to tell men what to do.

This sentiment is repeated to me daily by men who struggle under a “bossy wife syndrome.” Does this mean Gaga would submit to these men?

Probably not. My research confirms that the stronger a woman is, the stronger she requires her partner to be. I don’t have the inside track on Gaga’s relationship but it’s easy to make a few fair assumptions.

1. Kinney is a Protector, emotionally and otherwise. Says Gaga:

We complement each other’s weirdness. And you know, at the end of the day he's my best friend.

2. Kinney is a Provider. Whether he makes less than Gaga is immaterial, because she recognizes his ability to provide:

He has a job, too, and he is really busy!

3. Kinney is a Presider. Says Gaga:

He's totally in charge.

This is just another example of the increasing number of strong women who value the security offered by a Sigma Male, a man who Protects, Provides, and Presides. If your wife isn’t treating you the way Lady Gaga treats Taylor Kinney, then maybe it’s time to examine which of the Sigma Roles you need to strengthen.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Review (all 10 parts): For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn

 

Shaunti Feldhahn’s For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men was published years ago but continues to be cited as a favorite by many counselors. While I believe Feldhahn makes a handful of good points, I think she — like most relationship experts — overlooks the real cause of relationship problems. 

By request, here are all 10 parts of my critique. For your convenience, each post contains links to prior and subsequent posts.

Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger, Part 3: Insecurity, Part 4: The Burden of Providing, Part 5: Sex, Part 6: What Sex Means to a Man, Part 7: Visual Stimulation, Part 8: Romance, Part 9: A Woman’s Looks, Part 10: Saying “I Love You"

Hopefully, the time you saved by reading these posts can be applied to enjoying one of my favorite life-changing books instead.

Note: Feldhahn’s later book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

5 Reasons Why Getting Into Shape Will Improve Your Relationship

Although I’m a plastic surgeon who generally sees patients for elective surgery, they still quiz me on general heath issues. These types of questions have only increased since opening our anti-aging clinic, Total T, where we work with clients — mostly men — to combat the degenerative effects of age. These men routinely ask me about the connection between improved fitness and increased intimacy. It makes sense, right? You would think improved physical shape would lead to more and better sex.

Well, sometimes.

It all depends on the status of a man’s relationship prior to getting into shape. Just because a man looks better physically doesn’t necessarily mean his spouse will find him any more desirable. True, both men and women are more attracted to a flat stomach than to a flabby gut. In fact, recent research suggests women are sometimes more receptive to visual stimulation than men. But this research also shows that other factors always play a role in a woman being visually stimulated.

Unfortunately (or fortunately for some of us) looking at a great body is just not enough to get most women going.

That being said, I still recommend that men improve their level of physical fitness while working on improving their relationship. Here’s 5 reasons why:

1. Mental Toughness: A man needs to be strong enough to take on anything life (or wife) throws at him. 

Sticking to a challenging workout regimen — not to mention actually powering through it on each appointed day — requires focus, commitment, and drive. In other words, mental toughness. When a man can choose to push through something he knows — in advance — will cause him pain, he is better prepared to work through difficult relationship issues.

2. Emotional Toughness: A man needs to be his wife’s emotional rock.

Can you work out without complaining afterward? Telling a buddy how sore you feel is different than whining and crying about it, especially when you also tell him that you can’t wait to get stronger so you don’t hurt as much. In other words, “I refuse to give up.” But my wife wants me to be sensitive, not tough!  Contrary to popular belief, “manning up” does not desensitize you.  You can be tough and still be sensitive; in fact, I contend that manliness leads to true sensitivity. Real men can hurt, they just don’t get to complain about it.

3. Physical Toughness: A man needs to protect his wife physically.

When your wife is attracted to you emotionally, a leaner body and stronger muscles only make it better. Enough said.

4. Building a Sense of Security: A man needs to let his wife know he’s not going anywhere.

I have an overweight, out-of-shape friend who tells me his wife’s not worried — he’s got a big life insurance policy. And then there’s the friend whose husband recently passed away. He left her a sizable estate — she will never want for anything — but she’d give it all away to have him back. Taking care of yourself through fitness and clean eating is no guarantee, but it definitely signals more commitment than a insurance policy can by itself. Go ahead and take out the big policy for good measure. Then get into shape so your wife won’t need it. 

5. Overall Wellbeing: A man needs to feel good to have a healthy relationship.

I’ve cited studies that demonstrate that a man’s health has a greater impact on the status of his relationship than his wife’s health does. Believe me as a physician: No amount of financial success can compensate for poor health. Multiple studies show that exercise helps you sleep better, reduces stress, improves self-esteem and increases libido — just to name a few of the fringe benefits of hitting the gym. Feel better and your wife will too.

Are you suddenly feeling the need to make a mid-year’s resolution? Keep your eye out for an upcoming post for my recommendation and review of a great, highly-motivating fitness program.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Men's Complaint #6: Disagreements About Decisions

 

Over the next 10 days, I’ll be analyzing the Top 10 Complaints From Unhappy Husbands, originally posted by Redbook.

Complaint #6: Disagreements About Decisions

Evan, married 4 years, complains:

I thought I was being the good guy by letting her make all the decisions at home about what we eat, how we decorate the house, and when we started a family, but I’ve since realized that it’s one of the reasons why she’s fed up with me.

Redbook’s expert says:

If you’re unhappy about how much your husband helps out around the house, make sure you understand where he’s coming from. What you see as slacking may be his thinking a hands-off approach is a sign of respect and trust. Speak up and let him know when his help would be appreciated. And on the flip side, if you have trouble letting go of doing every single thing, ask yourself what it would look like if you started to delegate. Would it really be so bad if the dishwasher was loaded differently, or would you end up with clean plates anyway?

The Sigma Male says:

The expert really misses the point with this complaint. The issue has nothing to do with helping around the house, slacking off, or how a man loads the dishwasher. It has everything to do with MAKING DECISIONS.

As Evan clearly explains, Modern Men think they are being accommodating "good guys" when they abandon the role of Presider and defer all decisions to their wives. They mistakenly believe their wives will appreciate the gesture. Quite the contrary.

Women want men to be decisive and responsible. Instead they get indecisive blamers. Being decisive does not mean controlling every choice and outcome; rather, it means being willing to have an opinion and make a decision, then accepting responsibility for the outcome of that decision, whether good or bad.

Putting all the decision-making on your wife's shoulders gives her a burden she doesn't want or need. Evan is right: shirking the role of Presider can only end with your wife being fed up with your lack of backbone.

Can Women Have It All? Indra Nooyi Doesn't Think So

More and more women are beginning to acknowledge that they can’t have it all. Writing a commentary for Glamour in May, Zosia Mamet explained “Why She Won’t Lean In,” as she questioned why more and more women are becoming obsessed with “making it.”  

And at the Aspen Ideas Festival this month, Indra Nooyi, the CEO of PepsiCo was interviewed by David Bradley, who owns The Atlantic. Nooyi made some interesting comments, confirming a problem I’ve been writing about for some time now: 

Just as you’re rising to middle management your kids need you because they're teenagers, they need you for the teenage years. And that's the time your husband becomes a teenager too, so he needs you (laughing). They need you too. What do you do? … So we're screwed. We have no … we cannot have it all.

You can find a shortened version of the interview here

The internet lit up with positive and negative commentary, including this lively discussion on Fox News where each of the four female contributors agreed with Nooyi’s assessment:

 

Interestingly, Nooyi’s comment about husbands acting like teenagers was glossed over as a joke. Instead, one of the contributors explained that men were now in a position to be nurturers and househusbands — instead of suggesting that men step up and actually provide their wives what they really want: Complete security and protection.

I believe women can choose to do whatever they want to do, but that doesn’t let men off the hook for their responsibilities — they still need to fill the three Sigma Roles: Protector, Provider, and Presider. Only then can their wives be free to make weighty life choices without feeling like they have to do it all on their own.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Kelly Clarkson vs. Prince: Sigma Song Lyrics, Part I

Since writing The Sigma Male I’m amazed at the number of popular songs containing lyrics that fit the Sigma philosophy perfectly.

Perhaps Kelly Clarkson’s Walk Away, an anthem about a relationship that desperately needs a Sigma Male, is the best example of this. Here’s the bridge:

I wanna love
I want a fire
To feel the burn
My desires
I wanna man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides
Are you gonna fight for me?
Die for me?
Live and breathe for me?
Do you care for me?
Cause if you don't then just leave

 

And Prince’s Future Baby Mama, a slow groove about a man trying to convince a woman that he’s ready to settle down, is a great response:

[Verse 2]
(You know what you want baby)
You're too secure to ever want to fuss and fight
(That's right)
That's why your man never ever got a reason to doubt you

 [Bridge]
I want to make you happy, baby
(Oh yes)
Happier than happy itself
(Oh yes)
U know what?
If you'll ever need a hand, call me I'll help
'Cos I got you, anywhere you want to go, uh
(Oh yes)
Paris, London, Africa, San Lucas Mexico, you see
I know what you want
What every good woman wants
A man so in love with you
He can't help but to flaunt you
Deep down I know what you want
You want your girlfriends to hate you
'Cos they can't get your man

Do you have a song lyric that describes the Sigma philosophy? Share your favorite in the comment section below.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Three Frustrating Relationship Myths

Commenting in a recent web article, Dr. Jonathan Swinton, a marriage and family therapist, lays out a common problem men encounter on a regular basis:

“If a man’s wife is struggling and he tries to do something to buoy her up, when she doesn’t feel better, he gets frustrated with her, he gets frustrated with himself, and he gets frustrated with the marriage.” 

Swinton says one of the best ways for men to make their wives happy is to forego "their tendency to try to solve the problems” and just listen to them.

This listening vs. problem-solving approach highlights three frustratingly common relationship myths. Take a moment to watch (or re-watch) this popular video to see these myths in action:

Relationship Myth #1: JUST LISTEN TO HER

Swinton gets one thing right: Listening is not enough:

“Listening and validating goes a whole lot further. Most of the time, what the woman wants, as least initially, is just somebody to listen and understand where she’s at.”

Dragon Recognition — the skill of listening and validating — is the first half of the Sigma Skillset.

In my experience men can be good listeners, but they tend to focus on the reason behind the emotion instead of the emotion itself. When a woman feels bad, typically she already knows why and doesn’t need her husband to elaborate on the finer points of her issue. 

Note the exact moment in the video when the woman’s demeanor changes: When the man validates what she says (“That sounds really hard” at the 1:12 mark) and she affirms, “It is.” 

Relationship Reality #1: When first encountering a dragon (a woman’s problem, stress, or crisis), recognize and validate the effect of the dragon, not its origin.

Relationship Myth #2: JUST ACKNOWLEDGE HER FEELINGS

Sometimes listening and acknowledging the threat of a dragon is enough to help a woman feel better. Just knowing that you “understand where she’s at” may help her to move on. Unfortunately, as the final seconds of the video prove, that’s not always the case. When a problem is more severe a man needs to take action. In video’s exaggerated case, the woman’s head will continue hurting until the nail comes out. The real issue?

Men still want a women to tell them what she needs. “I really want to be helpful, but I need you to tell me if you want me to help (or just listen) and how you think I can best be helpful,” wrote one man. Others wanted us to remind women that men aren’t telepathic: “I can’t read your mind” was a common statement.

In the video, even though the man understands and acknowledges the problem, he still doesn’t act. He wants the woman to recognize the source of the problem and ask him for help. This desire signals two things to her: He really doesn’t understand her pain and he’s too weak to do anything about it.

Relationship Reality #2: After recognizing and acknowledging a dragon, offer to slay it.

Relationship Myth #3: SHE DOESN’T ASK FOR HELP BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T NEED IT

Women don’t ask for help for myriad reasons. In the end, none of these reasons really matter. It’s not that she needs help — she’s strong enough to take care of herself. But when an understanding man is willing and able to help, it signals strength, caring, and true security.

DRAGON SLAYING — the skill of actually taking care of a problem — is the second half of the Sigma Skillset.

Imagine this exchange:

Man: That sounds really hard.

Woman: It is.

Man: Can I take care of that for you?

Woman: (response doesn’t matter)

Man pulls out nail (POINK) and quickly bandages the wound.

Man: Boy, I know that hurt. I’m so sorry. Don’t worry — it’s over. Everything will be OK.

Relationship Reality #3: After offering to take care of a problem, act quickly and decisively.

Applying the Sigma Skillset when a problem rears its ugly head always results in a satisfying conclusion — even if it doesn’t garner 8 million views.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.