I regularly read and dissect popular relationships books, sharing the most relevant information and correcting misguided fallacies. In this post, I cover Chapter 11 of The Relationship Handbook.
Chapter 11: The Source of Conflicts
Pransky's Take
Antagonistic thoughts need not be acted out through arguing. Understanding involves looking for the truth in what’s being said.
All couples have different belief systems in one area or another. Because of this, marital disputes progress as follows:
THOUGHT —> FEELING —> BEHAVIOR
(disagreement) (defensiveness) (argument)
Understanding lies midway between thought and action. In other words, if you start to feel insecure or defensive, review what your spouse has said and look for the grain of truth — there always is at least one.
At first, you may only be agreeing to accept or allow for that differing view. Eventually, you’ll come to welcome and respect differing views.
The Sigma Male Says
Pransky is correct, although learning to be “agreeable” is difficult if you’re even a little bit insecure. A non-Sigma wants to make a point, whereas a Sigma correctly recognizes that being “right” is inconsequential.
To overcome insecurity, work on developing a “protective” mindset instead of merely being “agreeable.” When protection of your spouse (a masculine attitude) becomes your priority, you will be able to label each disagreement as a specific dragon, which then allows you to shift your focus to eliminating that problem.
Protecting your spouse feels more masculine than just being “agreeable” — and it is much more enjoyable.
For example, rather than arguing about the best way to discipline your children, shift your focus to identifying the actual dragon afflicting your wife. In this example she may be worried about spoiling the kids, being too hard on them, or may just be feeling a sense of overwhelm. Each of these specific dragon — whether small, self-inflicted, or imaginary — calls for a different solution. Nevertheless, your ability to identify your wife’s specific worry or stress makes it easier to take care of the exact problem, thus eliminating a potential point of contention.
And proactively combating a specific problem is much more productive (and enjoyable) than combating your wife.
Next up: Moving from excitement to love
Previous chapters: 1-A Fresh Start, 2-Compatibility, 3-Communication, 4-Moods, 5-Emotions, 6-Compassion, 7-Dissatisfaction, 8-Change, 9-Bringing out the Best, 10-Bringing out the Best
George S. Pransky's book, The Relationship Handbook: A simple guide to satisfying relationships, is a lesser-known, self-published book that contains a number of good insights into building a strong marriage. This book is worth reviewing as a supplement to my book, The Sigma Male, while working to overcome the problem of Gender Role Reversal.
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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.
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