The Truth About Porn Why it Hurts, not Helps Your Sex Drive and Relationship

Part of my practice consists of my anti-aging clinic, Total T, where I help men feel younger through testosterone replacement therapy. As I mention in my book, The Sigma Male, this treatment has many benefits for men with low testosterone levels: it increases energy and muscle mass, burns fat, enhances clarity and focus, improves mood, and increases sex drive.

However, because many of my client’s relationship status is less-than optimal, when their increased desire is rebuffed by their wife, they turn to porn.

I recently received the following enlightened email (along with a sales pitch for testosterone therapy) from fitness trainer, Vince Del Monte. It’s a bit long, but worth a read:

Warning: This email contains information of a sensitive nature. Reader discretion is advised. 

There are many reasons why we men would want to increase our testosterone levels. All of them, in a roundabout way, whether it's to look better, feel better, or be better, can be linked to one thing: SEX.

With that said... there’s one increasingly popular activity that may be the primary reason for an inability to ‘get it up.’ And with our manhood linked so tightly to our sexual performance, that’s pretty darn scary!

The activity: watching porn. Here are 5 scary facts about porn and how it’s destroying your sex drive and your manhood. 

WARNING: I understand how some of this may sound far-fetched and I hate to be the one to crash a good time. It's not my opinion - how this activity is killing your sex drive - so, let’s just stick to the science. No judging. No guilt-trips. No bible-thumping. Just straight talk man-to-man! Cool? 

1. It diminishes your desire for sex in the real world.

When you watch porn your brain releases chemicals, like dopamine, that are triggered by the visual stimulation that pornography provides and acts just as the physical stimulation of sex. What happens, though, is you become increasingly dependent on the visual stimulation to get aroused, in turn, relying less on the physical touching and caressing ofreal sex.

2. The more you do it the more you need it.

Becoming dependant on pornography works like any other addiction. You become addicted to the high (dopamine), and it’s this high and this high alone that will satisfy your craving.

So where you once loved to have sex with your lady, you’re now hooked on the visual stimulation that triggers those parts in your brain responsible for pleasure even more intensely – and more frequently – than actual sex now does.

Note: Have you tried to quit porn? Not so easy, am I right? This isn’t because you just like it, it’s because you’re actually addicted to it...

3. It will make you desire your lady less.

As you get used to this visual stimulation, usually filled with massive boobs and acts that a respectable lady would never partake in, you require the same stimulation... (and eventually more nasty stuff which leads to a pretty disgusting downward and dangerous slope, stuff like physical abuse, choking, and weird stuff of the sort).

MINI RANT: 

Your lady has no chance of performing like a highly paid porn star (most pull in upwards of $1,500 a scene and $250K a year!) just like YOU have ZERO chance of peforming like a paid male porn star.

And would you actually want her to? Think about it. Would you want the mother of your children or wife or future wife (or dare I say, your daughter or sister or niece) to be degrading herself like those paid performers do? Would you want other men to be objectifying her? Sorry to hit close to home but THOSE girls ARE someone's daughters, sisters and mothers! That's what you call smelling salts ... 

And another thought... Imagine if your lady thought it was normal for you to please her for 45+ minutes because she watched too much porn that distorted her view of reality. How would you feel as a man if you couldn't satisfy her like she thought you were "supposed to?" I don't know about you, but that would be pretty demoralizing to my self-esteem. Switch the roles!

RANT OVER.

Listen ... the porn industry in the U.S. alone pulls in over $13 BILLION DOLLARS annually and is destroying families and relationships left and right, which is partly the reason why you won’t hear this from very many other sources – because porn = big money. 

It’s worked its way into our society to the point that if you’re a guy and you’re proving that porn is bad you’re simply not cool or living in the dark ages.

But I want the truth. I want you to live an epic life filled with an epic sex drive and I want you to experience it the way it was intended! 

4. Your expectations change dramatically.

I just touched on this briefly, but you may have started with “simple porn," or sex between a man and a woman, where they’re simply “doing it,” but how long did that last before you needed to “upgrade” to a whole other level of porn (or frequency) to find that same stimulation?

My guess is, not long. And once you’ve advanced to more degrading pornography, the snowball effect is in full swing and you’ll soon have to graduate once again to even more graphic stuff and this can lead to a life of lies, guilt and shame... Not what I want for you and NOT what you deserve.  

You’ll eventually get to the point – if you’re not already there – where only the most perverse acts stimulate you in the same way that the “simple porn” once did. It’s these acts that no respectable woman will perform – sorry, it’s just the truth.

And so, with no woman able to stimulate you in the same way or same frequency pornography does, you’re left unable to perform “normal,” good, loving sex with a partner because of your dramatically changed expectations.

5. It’s a great way to become impotent.  

Embarrassing! A man’s worst nightmare, whether you’re 26 or 66. Let’s run through this as simply as possible...

You want to, in a roundabout way, increase your testosterone levels so you can have more and better sex with your lady, through building muscle or burning fat or directly impacting your sex drive.

But you also want to watch porn. Ah, a dilemma. As you watch porn you’re stimulated by the visual act occurring in front of you. But that act needs to evolve, so you evolve your tastes. You require weirder and weirder stuff to get off until it’s all you can get off to.

You become dependant on porn to get hard.

If you're not experiencing this yet... you WILL. 

One of my favorite warning is: Small Steps, Big Destruction!

Watching a little porn isn't going to ruin your life overnight... just like one cookie won't ruin your body overnight... It's The Compound Effect (which is another brilliant book by the way).

No woman can fulfill this visual stimulation even if they’re willing to do the messed up, degrading stuff that you’re watching.... and even after a lot of booze... 

Another thought: You want a woman who will challenge you to become a respectable and noble man, not one who allows you to degrade her at a moment's notice – am I right?

So you want to boost testosterone to have more sex, better sex, and fulfilling sex, but there’s one thing that’s standing in your way and that’s your addiction to pornography.

Now you’re at a crossroads. Is it porn you want or sex you want?

Listen... this is one of those real issues every man needs to wrestle with and DEAL WITH.... Don't sweep it under the rug or else it'll come back and embarrass you, and dare I say destroy you... 

It takes a real man to recognize this stuff has zero positive benefit. It's a downward spiral. It can ruin your life. I know this sounds really crazy based on the culture we live in... 

I understand that eveything around you is telling you to indulge. If you're a "real" guy, you're supposed to be a sexual beast, a stud, a leader of the pack, a stallion the ladies can't resist -- right?

WRONG!

You're supposed to be a man STRONGER than his physical urges or emotional responses. You're supposed to be a warrior who is willing to FIGHT for something more important than yourself. 

Read that OUT LOUD 10x! 

It all starts by learning how to optimize your body's testosterone levels naturally, which will help you look better and feel better and that will give you the confidence to do better and be better -- the only two ways to leave a true legacy!

LASTLY: 

If I came across as judgmental in any way, shape, or form, it was NOT MY INTENTION. And if my message causes feelings of guilt, again... NOT MY INTENTION. It's NEVER too late to TURN AROUND. 

You are DESTINED for greatness and I refuse to let you end up on the path of destruction. I refuse to let your life turn into a slow-motion train wreck. 

As you may imagine, this email was NOT easy to write.  I'm a hot blooded Italian man and I struggle with this stuff every single day, like everyone else.

And I know that us men will go to great lengths to fool ourselves, working hard to deny that we're risking everything for a few moments of pleasure. Stand firm, my friend!

Be bold! Live large! Make things happen!

Vince

Many sexually frustrated men employ a chicken/egg argument: If my wife would give me more sex, it would solve the problem and I would be a better man. This mode of thinking is illogical.

The only way your wife will desire more sex with you is if you become a better man—a Sigma Male—first. And porn does not make you a better man.

What Function Do Men Serve in the Modern World?

click here for the complete comic strip

Scott Adam’s comic strip Dilbert says it best:

When a man is not a Sigma Male, the alternatives are “disturbing."

How Would You Respond?

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
 
All the women raised their hands.
 
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
 
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
 
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:
 
"I love you, sweetheart."
 
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?
 
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
 
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you??

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the f*** did you do now?
 
7. ?!?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
 
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??

Book Critique: The Relationship Handbook, George S. Pransky, PhD, Part 9 of 15

George S. Pransky's book, The Relationship Handbook: A simple guide to satisfying relationships (ISBN 0971198802), is a lesser-known, self-published book that contains a number of strong insights into building a strong marriage. This book is worth reviewing as a supplement to my book, Dragonslayer, while working to overcome the disease of Gender Role Reversal.

Previous chapters: 1-A Fresh Start, 2-Compatibility, 3-Communication, 4-Moods, 5-Emotions, 6-Compassion, 7-Dissatisfaction, 8-Change

Chapter 9: Bringing Out the Best in People

Pransky's Take

People respond to our demeanor. When they are struggling with negative habitual behaviors they need our understanding and support—our goodwill.

Pressure and punishment worsen counterproductive behavior. Pressure and punishment will not change a person.

Your state of mind alters the behavior of people around you (The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle). When you are in a chip-on-the-shoulder state of mind, you think in terms of pressure and intimidation, which sets up a battle of egos.

When you feel warm and respectful, ego is set aside. To avoid “reaction spirals” (clash of egos), we must raise our level of goodwill.

The Sigma Male Says

This is a simple chapter that makes complete sense. However, most men who are caught in “reaction spirals” are quick to point the finger at their wife, claiming that they behave the way they do because their wife constantly resorts to pressure and punishment, and if their wife would stop getting on their case, all would be well.

This classic battle of egos—the need to feel “right” when unfairly accused or punished—should be a non-issue for a protective Sigma Male. If your focus is on your wife’s security, you won't get defensive when she gripes or complains. Instead, you'll raise your head and look for the dragon that is attacking her.

When a woman feels secure, she won’t pressure or punish her husband.

Remember, you can battle your wife or you can battle her dragon.

Either way you have a battle on your hands—it’s just a question of correctly identifying your opponent.

Next up: Transcending problems

A Dominant Woman Takes On the WWE

A man asked a local radio show to prank call his wife.

Is there any question who lays down the law in his home?

Men and Minivans

 

Men and Minivans

Book Critique: The Relationship Handbook, George S. Pransky, PhD, Part 8 of 15

George S. Pransky's book, The Relationship Handbook: A simple guide to satisfying relationships (ISBN 0971198802), is a lesser-known, self-published book that contains a number of strong insights into building a strong marriage. This book is worth reviewing as a supplement to my book, Dragonslayer, while working to overcome the disease of Gender Role Reversal.

Previous chapters: 1-A Fresh Start, 2-Compatibility, 3-Communication, 4-Moods, 5-Emotions, 6-Compassion, 7-Dissatisfaction

Chapter 8: Change

Pransky's Take

People can change effortlessly and permanently, in an instant.

The only way to change is to change the way we feel inside. Our thinking changes our outlook, and our behaviors follow suit.

When someone gets insecure, they retreat to a conditioned personality, a coat of armor made of bad habits and pretenses. This armor offers safety. When we feel secure again, we put the armor aside. Everyone is delightful and productive when operating without armor.

Changing your partner, however, is difficult at best. You need their permission—you must work as a team—and even if permission is grated, it is not always perpetual.

Therefore, we should focus on changing ourselves. By offering goodwill to our partner, it sets our own change into motion.

The stages of change are:

1. Oblivious, unaware that there is even a problem
2. Justifying, our reaction is due to the behavior of another
3. Compulsive awareness, being aware of how we think, talk and act.
4. Change, the need to repeat past behavior is gone.

To change, don’t focus on your behavior; instead, focus on the feeling you have that precedes the behavior.

The Sigma Male Says

Pransky's armor analogy of fits hand-in-glove with the skill of dragonslaying. When your wife feels insecure or unsafe, she builds a makeshift barricade to protect herself from the everyday dragons that you refuse to acknowledge. She will not come out from behind her self-constructed barricade until she feels completely secure.

Pransky is also correct in stating that you must focus on changing yourself. A man who believes wife needs to change first is mistaken; after all, his failure to offer protection is the source of the problem.

Once a man acknowledges the importance of fulfilling his role as Protector, he begins to see himself in a different light. The strength that comes from slaying his wife’s dragons makes it impossible to return to old, passive behaviors. His change is quick and permanent. And his wife’s barricade comes down just as fast.

Next up: Bringing out the best in people