Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 9 of 10: A Woman's Looks

Book Critique Part 9, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 9. Men care about their wife’s appearance.

Feldhahn’s Take

This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.

The Sigma Male Says

This may be true, but it’s a one-sided stereotype that needs to go away. Of course men care about their wife’s appearance. The problem is, men tell themselves that their own appearance doesn’t matter as much — or matter at all. A Sigma Male knows that even though his wife might not say it, she is much more attracted to a fit, clean man than to a fat, sloppy one.

Next up: Part 10: Saying "I Love You"

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger, Part 3: Insecurity, Part 4: The Burden of Providing, Part 5: Sex, Part 6: What Sex Means to a Man, Part 7: Visual Stimulation, Part 8: Romance

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 8 of 10: Romance

Book Critique Part 8, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 8. Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic.

Feldhahn’s Take

True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?

The Sigma Male Says

Give me a break! A run to Home Depot is supposed to take the place of a romantic date? Once again, the expert puts all the pressure on a woman to find ways to make her total-excuse-of-a-man feel like he is doing something right, when he isn’t. A Sigma Male is confident in his ability to be romantic. He is strong enough that he doesn’t care if everyone knows that he is completely and totally in love with his wife. He goes out of his way to be romantic because he knows his wife appreciates it.

Once a man has the confidence of a Sigma, any lack of conviction regarding his ability to be romantic will completely disappear and his wife won’t have to pretend that a trip to the hardware store means anything more than “I need someone to help me carry the 2 x 4s.”

On the other hand, when a Sigma does invite his wife to the hardware store, she will correctly conclude that he just loves being with her as much as possible. And that is romantic!

Next up: Part 9: A Woman's Looks

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger, Part 3: Insecurity, Part 4: The Burden of Providing, Part 5: Sex, Part 6: What Sex Means to a Man, Part 7: Visual Stimulation

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 7 of 10: Visual Stimulation

Book Critique Part 7, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 7. Men struggle with visual temptation.

Feldhahn’s Take

This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.

The Sigma Male Says

If a man is a Sigma, his wife will recognize it and will know that she is his top priority, making her feel completely secure in every way. She will know she is walking around with a complete man, and of course, other women will notice him just as he might notice them. But this fact builds her confidence, because she is able to say  without hint of jealousy, “Eat your heart out. You might be hot but this is my man!” 

On the contrary, when a man is not a Sigma, a woman knows she is not his top priority and gets jealous easily. She is suspicious about even the slightest sideways glance, and she feels a motherly need to keep her man in check, letting him know what is and isn’t appropriate. In this case, a woman is insecure because she is not being protected by a Sigma, leaving her to protect herself from an injury that might occur as a result of her weak man’s wandering eye.

Ironically, her husband is probably engaged in wishful thinking, imagining how another woman would appreciate him more than his domineering spouse does.

Next up: Part 8: Romance

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger, Part 3: Insecurity, Part 4: The Burden of Providing, Part 5: Sex, Part 6: What Sex Means to a Man

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 6 of 10: What Sex Means to a Man

Book Critique Part 6, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 6. Sex means more than sex.

Feldhahn’s Take

When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of their life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!

The Sigma Male Says

This is true, but the author has it backwards. Making sex a priority in marriage is a joke. By doing so, it will become a high priority for the man and a low priority for the woman (only on rare occasions the opposite will be true). Trying to get your partner to take up your priority as hers is next to impossible — especially where sex is concerned — and will become a source of frustration for most men.

Confidence and well-being lead to sex, not the other way around! When a man isn’t getting sex, he feels “rejected” — not because he isn’t getting sex, but because he knows his wife is calling the shots. Thus, he recognizes he is not in control of his relationship. Becoming a Sigma Male is the key to leading a woman to desire you sexually.

When a man becomes a Sigma, he feels like a Real Man. Only then does a he have what the Feldhahn describes as “confidence and well being,” because he is a Sigma — not because he is getting sex.

Next up: Part 7: Visual Stimulation

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger, Part 3: Insecurity, Part 4: The Burden of Providing, Part 5: Sex

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: The Relationship Handbook, George S. Pransky, PhD, Part 2 of 15

George S. Pransky's book, The Relationship Handbook: A simple guide to satisfying relationships (ISBN 0971198802), is a lesser-known, self-published book that contains a number of strong insights into building a strong marriage. This book is worth reviewing as a supplement to my book, Dragonslayer, while working to overcome the disease of Gender Role Reversal.

Previous chapters: 1-A Fresh Start

Chapter 2: Compatibility

Pransky's Take

Couples who's marriage is in trouble say, "We're just too different. We're incompatible." Pransky counters by telling us that complementary and incompatible are two sides of the same coin; it incompatibility is just a matter of how we think—an indication that respect is gone.

Compatibility is tied to emotional connectedness—it comes from the heart. When we feel close to our partner, we see their differences as complimenting the partnership, like Jack Spratt and his wife: He eats no fat; she eats no lean; but between the both of them they lick the platter clean.

Negative thinking turns princes into frogs.

The Sigma Male Says

This fits perfectly with my "marriage as dance" analogy. When a man is tripping over your partner's feet, it's easy for him to say, "My wife's not compatible with my dance style."

What style would that be? Failure to lead?

A man will only have a compatible/complimentary dance partner when he learns the steps and then leads with confidence.

Next up: Communication

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 5 of 10: Sex

Book Critique Part 5, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 5. Men want more sex.

Feldhahn’s Take

Everyone’s natural response to this statement is usually, “No kidding!” but for the wrong reason. We assume that men want more sex due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But Feldhahn’s research shows that men want more sex because of their need to feel desired. Simply stated, men need to feel wanted. Therefore, regular, satisfying sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.

The Sigma Male Says

This doesn't tell the whole story. While I agree that feeling sexually desired by a woman has a strong pull for men, as a doctor I know that the chief driver of sexual desire is testosterone. In the absence of testosterone, sexual drive drops to zero for both men and women. Men have a higher sex drive because of a higher level of testosterone. Men can be satisfied sexually without feeling desired by their partner. However, men are definitely more sexually fulfilled when their partner strongly desires them.

So the issue is not more sex, it's more fulfilling sex. Ergo, a woman can give a man all the sex he wants, but he still won't be satisfied until she desires him. More sex does not create desire in a woman. A man's behavier does.

A Sigma Male is regularly fulfilled by his wife because his behavior outside of the bedroom causes his wife to highly desire him.

Next up: Part 6: What Sex Means to a Man

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger, Part 3: Insecurity, Part 4: The Burden of Providing

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 4 of 10: The Burden of Providing

Book Review Part 4, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 4. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family

Feldhahn’s Take

Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.

The Sigma Male Says

I completely agree. This verifies why the role of Provider is so important. Even if a husband and wife agree he will be a househusband — she will work and he will manage the household — he cannot eliminate the feelings that accompany the neglect of his obligation to provide because it is hardwired into him. A man feels emasculated when he is not able or willing to provide his family with the basics of life. Expressing appreciation for a man’s willingness to stay at home and be “Mr. Mom” will not overcome these feelings.

This doesn’t mean a woman can’t work outside of the home. She can even make more than her husband. But he should be able to provide for their basic necessities.

When a man steps up to fill this basic role, his wife will naturally become more appreciative because of his willingness to shoulder the weight of being a Provider. But if he shirks this responsibility, her burden will only increase, resulting in additional unhappiness.

Next up: Part 5: Sex

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger, Part 3: Insecurity

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.