Hanna Rosin’s book, The End of Men, certainly raised a lot of eyebrows and garnered much attention when it was released.
I was familiar with Rosin because I reference her in my book, The Sigma Male, and her views on changing social norms.
Here is her interview on NBC’s Today Show, which I watched live when it originally aired.
I was especially intrigued by her husband, David Plotz, who is an intelligent, well-educated editor. During the interview, he seems to be standing on shifting ground, as he bounces between lobbing his wife softball set-ups, seeks her approval, and mildly “disagrees” with her in an indirect manner.
In making any comments about the marriage of Rosin and Plotz, I realize that there is no way to know what goes on behind closed doors—but we can learn several lessons from their interview.
5 Sigma Male Takeaways
1. Always make your wife look good.
If Plotz does anything right, he does a good job of this. He gives his wife easy set-ups so her comments always make her look good. He gives her the time and space to shine. Remember, even though the interview is on a topic that runs contrary to my book, The Sigma Male, this interview and book are hers and Plotz lets his wife get the attention, even when questions are directed at him.
A man doesn’t always need to be the center of attention if he knows he is a Sigma. By allowing his wife to look good, Plotz demonstrates that a man shouldn’t be intimidated by a strong woman.
on the other hand…
2. Don’t be a “milk toast”
There are several places where Plotz sends mixed messages about his role as a man. First, he never addresses his wife’s comment that she “hopes he is not obsolete” or that she hopes her sons “are not going to be obsolete.” A quick and simple response like, “You know I’m not,” delivered with a sly grin would have turned that moment around without disagreeing with his wife. It would have also given Samantha Guthrie, the interviewer, a chance for a follow-up question about how men can maintain their own strength. I suspect neither Rosin nor Plotz have the answer to that question; it certainly isn’t answered in her book.
Plotz could have also added, “and I’m modeling that behavior for my sons,” to deliver a one-two punch regarding his role as husband, father, and Sigma Male. Neither of these statements would have taken anything away from his wife and would have demonstrated how a confident man can enjoy the company of a strong woman.
3. Have a strong opinion — don’t seek your wife’s approval
There is one awkward moment where Plotz is clearly hoping for his wife’s approval — or forgiveness — for having his own strong opinion. After Rosin brings up the effect that these changes will have on “marriages, work, sex, and how to navigate this new world,” Guthrie immediately asks Plotz for his opinion. It is clear that he is uncomfortable when he states, “I try not to take it personal,” and then addresses a “difficult transition for me,” while looking directly at his wife with a meek expression.
I couldn’t help but think that there is a subtext in this exchange that directly points out the effects of his seeming meekness when it comes to the triumvirate of “marriage, work, and sex.” With one look, he seems to be pleading, “Don’t forget how nice I will be during this interview so that I can get a reward later.” In answering this question, Plotz would be better off to look Guthrie straight in the eye and say, “Today’s men are having a hard time with this transition because they are indecisive and weak. A strong woman needs a strong man.”
4. Don’t apologize for being a strong man
After each exchange with Rosin, Guthrie always asks Plotz a follow-up question. While obviously looking for controversy, Guthrie continues to allow Plotz a chance to stand up for men. He tries to have a strong opinion, stating that shifts in sexual dynamics are “troubling” for him, but it’s not too long before he begins to backpedal. “I shouldn’t say that it is troubling,” he stammers, while again looking to his wife for approval — then quickly passes the hot potato back to her. He starts with a strong position but then quickly undercuts himself. Once again he loses the opportunity to have an opinion without worrying whether his wife agrees with him or will be angry with him for having an opinion.
5. Women are tired of weak men
As the interview wraps up Rosin mentions how young women are more successful and accomplished than their male counterparts. Plotz’s response is ironic, given that it is the one place in the interview where he almost begins to talk over his wife. He interjects that it’s hard for men because they don’t know what their role is supposed to be in this new world. Plotz himself seems to be unsure of his role in his own relationship. One simple addition to his statement could have set things straight. Plotz offers, “What our role is, is harder, because we’re accustomed to a certain sense of what manhood is.”
MY ADDITION: As men we need to understand that we can maintain the same sense of manhood we’ve always had while our wives become stronger, which will put them at ease and create stronger marriages.
Men have a role to play: They need to step up and be men. And that’s why I wrote The Sigma Male.
UPDATE: 7/9/2014
Although Rosin’s book received a lot of attention when it was released, overall reception has been luke-warm at best, with Amazon reviews at slightly more than 3 stars. Many reviewers have pointed out that no attention is being paid to why boys (and men) are struggling, a fact that the general public seems to recognize but intellectuals refuse to acknowledge.
Looking back, I believe my original assessment is still accurate, although the publishing trend of books touting the rise of women and the downfall of men continues to flourish unabated (see Sandberg’s Lean In for an example).
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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.
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