Book Critique: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, John Gray, Ph.D.

Summary

Men and women are different species. Awareness of these major differences can improve understanding, communication, and empathy for one’s spouse. Gray's primary message is that men and women have such different needs and expectations that it’s as if they are from different planets. He believes that today's marriage difficulties stem from a failure to understand how your partner loves and expects to be loved. He suggests that we mistakenly give our partner what we would want, not what they want.

Gray's observation of men is that they value themselves through achievement. Men want to solve problems and build great things. Men see problems as opportunities ripe for the solving, but if the problems are too big to solve, men will skulk off and distract themselves in an attempt to forget about the problem. But, deep down, men fear that they are not good enough or not competent enough and consequently carry a desire to be needed and trusted.

Women, on the other hand, value themselves through their relationships. They sense others’ needs and automatically try to help by giving of themselves. A woman’s deep fear is they she is not worthy of love. She gives freely, sometimes too much. She is afraid to receive, because to need someone but be rejected would validate that she is not worthy of love. Consequently, women want to be cherished and have their feelings understood.

The Sigma Male’s Take

The late comedian, George Carlin, said, “Men are from Earth; women are from Earth. Get over it!” I understand that men and women are different, think differently, and act differently. I think everybody gets this. But while this knowledge may increase insight and communication, it doesn’t get to the root of the problem.

Like so many other authors, Gray touches on simple truths but then misapplies the practical application of that knowledge. In reality, modern men have worked hard to cherish and understand their wives--to the extreme. The resulting frustration in both men and women leads to even more relationship problems.

As much as women appreciate being listened to and validated, the absence of a husband's protective follow-through leaves them feeling abandoned and angry. If all women wanted was to have their feelings understood, a simple conversation with a friend or with their mother would suffice.
Perhaps men are wired for problem-solving action, but they are failing to leverage this natural ability into stronger relationship in two ways:

1. They jump to problem solving before validating their wife's feelings--which is demeaning (Why didn't you…? or Here's what I would have done…)

2. They validate their wife's feelings and then fail to do anything about it--which is weak (I am so sorry that happened. What's for dinner?)

A woman want to be understood, but she also wants to know that her husband has her back and is willing to jump in and "save" her, if necessary. Women are strong enough to solve their own problems, so she will rarely need her husband to take action on his offer to help, but just knowing that he is willing and able to act is a needed comfort.