Women: You Can Help Your Man Master His Dance Steps

When my brother, Matt was on Jimmy Chunga's radio show this morning (101.9 The End, Salt Lake City), a nice woman asked how she could get her passive husband to step up into a more active, leadership role. In the short segment allotted, it was difficult to answer in any detail, but here's amore complete response:

All men can learn how to become a Sigma Male — the perfect combination of the Alpha and Modern—regardless of their personality. Remember: learning how to protect is a SKILLSET.  Having said that, a woman can't rail on her husband and hope for something to happen. At the same time, she also can't hope he'll stumble across the answer on his own. But a woman can lead her husband where he needs to go — until he understands exactly what it is she's asking for — and then he'll take over the leadership reins.

The dance analogy is one that men have no problem understanding. On Dancing With the Stars, what do the female professionals do for their celebrity partners? They teach them how to lead. Sometimes the pro has to keep leading her partner because he is not yet confident enough to take charge. The couple improves, but their dancing never looks as good as it could if the man would learn how to lead. But the pro never tells her partner that he sucks—she's always encouraging and complimentary. When the male celebrity finally learns how to lead, the couple looks pretty awesome. This is why the female celebrity contestants learn to dance faster: the male professionals already knows how to lead. So don't be discouraged! With practice, all men can learn how to lead the dance.

Now, imagine you like to dance and your husband doesn't know how. If you were to say, "You are a crappy dancer. Get your act together!" he wouldn't take a dancing lesson in a million years. In fact, he may think that he only looks bad because you don't know how to dance, never once considering that he has a problem himself.

What would happen if you were to say, "Honey, I love to dance—it makes me feel close to you and is actually a turn-on—but we always seem to be stepping on each other's feet. How about we take some lessons? " A man is open to learn something new if he doesn't feel criticized or stupid, and if he knows you will derive pleasure from the outcome. A man doesn't like to feel dumb or powerless—nobody does—but he'll put himself in front of a speeding truck if he thinks it will help you.

Most men avoid traditional marriage counseling because it's a long, drawn-out experience that focuses on addressing past hurts. Men get on board with Dragonslaying because it is quick, makes sense, and gives them specifics to focus on. And when they learn that having a happy marriage is a skillset—no need for endless therapy sessions — they are ready to go. During coaching sessions, when I ask a woman certain questions and her husband hears what she needs, his response is always the same: "Really? That's what you want? I can do that!"

Women, try this approach: "Honey, I figured out why sometimes I feel frustrated and sad. I've been trying to run this marriage and it hasn't been very fun for either of us. This morning I heard this guy talking on the radio. He compared marriage to a dance — he said that each of us has specific roles to play. I want to follow your lead in this marriage—like I would with dancing—and this would be a perfect opportunity for us to learn the steps of a happy marriage. He said it's easy to learn and that it really changed the dynamic of his marriage. Could we do this together?"

Then give me a call. Once I talk to a guy, he'll buy in. The real issue? Wives don't believe their husband can make the change! But I know your husband can do it—I've seen the results. 

I was on-and-off unhappy in my marriage for eighteen years, but after learning to slay dragons, the past three years have been like night and day. My brother, Matt always had a good marriage (going on twenty-five years), but a few tweaks he made has made the last eight months (the period he was working with me on Dragonslayer) better than anything he experienced in the past. My brother, David's marriage has always been the envy of his friends — he has a pleasant and happy wife and they've been together nearly twenty years. Now he can finally explain why.

Want your husband to learn how to lead? Take dancing lessons together—teach your husband how to slay your dragons.

PS: If you're not married, just substitute the word 'relationship' for 'marriage,' 'boyfriend' for 'husband,' and 'girlfriend' for 'wife.' It's all the same.