"My Wife Won't Let Me Help Her"

Although the names have been changed, the following story is true.

EXAMPLE: JUSTIN (31) & RACHEL (28), MARRIED 2 YEARS

ROLE IN QUESTION: SIGMA PROTECTOR

Situation

Rachel was born and raised on the West coast. She and her husband, Justin, live just a few hours from her hometown. Many of her extended family and life-long friends live nearby. Justin grew up on the West coast as well but went to school out-of-state and doesn’t see his family nearly as much. Recently, Justin was offered a job in his field of choice with a significant increase in salary — but it would require a move to the East coast.

Rachel agreed the move made sense so Justin accepted the position. They took a quick trip to scout the area and easily found an affordable place to live. Rachel was also able to secure a position in her current field at an equivalent salary. Everything seemed to be falling into place. After doing some initial packing, Justin departed a week before the move to begin work. Since her new job didn’t require her immediately, Rachel stayed behind to meet the movers.

Problem

Four days before the movers arrived, Rachel called Justin in a panic. She felt overwhelmed and said there was no way she could get things ready in time. After listening carefully (dragon recognition), Justin offered his help but Rachel said she could manage. She called the next day with the same concern, again refusing Justin’s help. Justin realized things were not OK and knew she would call again.

Justin’s Solution

Justin’s gut reaction was correct. The day before the movers arrived, Rachel called a third time with the same complaint: She felt overwhelmed, stating there was no way she would be ready in time.

This time Justin was ready. After listening and identifying the dragon (the stress of getting packed in time) he offered to take care of the problem for her. “There’s nothing you can do. You’re not here!” Rachel said. Justin said he would call family and friends to help. He was certain he could get enough people to respond to his request. Rachel refused. She didn’t want to burden anyone and she said that she would get through it alone — somehow.

Recognizing his wife’s strength and capability,  Justin agreed to step aside but he ended the call frustrated and confused. “I did everything I could to slay that dragon,” he complained to me later that day, “but it didn’t make any difference.” Rachel was just being a "stubborn baby.”

Recommendations

Getting things ready for the movers represented a true dragon, but it was not the only one Rachel faced that week, nor was it the biggest or most dangerous.

Sometimes a woman struggles to recognize her own dragons. All she knows is that she is under attack. Because of this, Rachel believed the stress of getting packed in time was the issue driving her anxiety but she was not entirely correct.

After a quick conversation with me and a little reflection, Justin realized that he had only identified a “secondary” dragon. The most frightening dragon was the move itself. Rachel would be leaving a lifetime of close support in exchange for the relative unknown. She would no longer have the comfort of family or friends nearby. Even her work environment — although similar — would be different: A new boss, new colleagues, and new ways of doing business.

Justin finally recognized the real dragon: Rachel’s fear of leaving her home. While the fear of being away from family and friends seemed somewhat imaginary to Justin, he had experienced anxiety about changes in his own life, so he could understand how Rachel might be impacted by the move. He had not previously considered her feelings but now knew how to slay the real dragon.

Justin called Rachel back. He empathized with the pressure she felt in making a big, life-changing move. He promised her that he would always be there for her and that everything would work out in the end. He knew that the stress of getting things ready for the move was only making things worse. He took responsibility for leaving town before getting the packing done. He admitted that since it was his fault he would be calling friends and family to ask for their help. He told Rachel that he would accept responsibility for leaving her alone and would not insinuate that she was incapable of getting things ready without him. Instead, he would ask others to stand in for him to help wrap things up.

Rachel — good sport to the end — made a half-hearted attempt to change Justin’s mind but knew he was resolute, that he would make sure someone was there to take his place so that Rachel would have time to say her “good-byes” and spend extra time with her family. Rachel was relieved to know that Justin’s call would not make her look bad in the eyes of others — she had actually thought of that (another example of an “imaginary” dragon). Even though she knew she would still have to work to get things ready she knew she had the support of her husband and others who cared. Rachel felt understood and loved. She agreed to let Justin make the calls.

As a side note, Justin told me that he had resolved to call for help whether his wife agreed to it or not. He knew it was the right thing to do — the protective thing to do.

Final Notes

Giving your spouse a true sense of security means you must identify and slay the “correct” dragons first, a task that requires introspection and practice. If you slay a dragon but nothing seems to improve, take a closer look. Chances are your spouse is being attacked by another type of dragon that is more difficult to identify.

Also, realize that sometimes a strong woman will have difficulty accepting help from her husband — it feels similar to admitting she is incapable or weak. Correctly identifying the real dragon will help her overcome these misplaced feelings. As she comes to understand that you have her best interests at heart, your wife will readily accept your help and support.

In the most pressing situations, go ahead and slay the dragon without your wife’s permission — as long as you don’t try to “teach her a lesson” afterward. Just kill the dragon and move on, without discussion.

What topics create anxiety or stress in your relationship? Email me the details and I’ll address your concern in a future post.

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.