Book Review: The Relationship Handbook, George S. Pransky, PhD, Part 13 of 15

I regularly read and dissect popular relationships books, sharing the most relevant information and correcting misguided fallacies. In this post, I cover Chapter 13 of The Relationship Handbook.

Chapter 13: It’s Never Too Late

Pransky’s Take

A relationship can always be “saved.”

Emotional pain, resentments and grudges are just bad habits that make things worse by adding more insecurity to a situation. Experiences happened in the past, not the present. All that is left is the accumulated painful memory, which is no more real than the feeling that comes from remembering a dream.

Forgiving and forgetting is the answer. Fortunately, these skills (forgiving and forgetting) are innate and don’t require practice to implement.

Forgiving is actually self-serving because it allows you to get rid of the pain you feel when you re-live a bad experience. Forgiving requires understanding, which depersonalizes the event. Forgetting allows you to begin again with a fresh start.

The only reason we hold onto bad memories is insecurity — we are afraid forgiving and forgetting will cause us to repeat the problem. In reality, we re-live the mistake each time we “replay it” in our mind. When you “forget” you’re not actually eliminating the event from your memory; rather, you’re choosing to see it in a different light.

To forgive and forget:

1. Question the significance of the event in the grand scheme of things. Does it really matter? Who is really being hurt if you hold onto a grudge?
2. Open your eyes to your limited perception in life — to the idea that you should not use the event as an excuse to protect yourself.
3. Instead, see the event as a blessing in disguise. What insight can you gain?

Remember, people make the same mistakes over and over because they are distracted by their memories. They step into an open manhole because they are thinking of their problems instead of where they are going.

The Sigma Male Says

Pransky expounds on a theme that I strongly support: Accepting personal responsibility is the first step to undoing the damage caused when you hold a grudge — damage that hurts both you and your spouse.

His reasoning is sound; however, his approach to forgiving and forgetting does not have enough visceral appeal to inspire most men to embrace it. Focusing on “soft skills” is counter-intuitive to many men because it feels “weak” to them. When a man experiences emotional pain his pride can override his rational thought process. Pain causes a playground mentality to kick in, telling him that the only way to avoid additional hurt is to inflict pain on his “attacker.” Men become rational about emotions after they learn how to control them.

I believe a more masculine approach to forgiving and forgetting yields a better result and can quickly break a “tit for tat” cycle. The Sigma Philosophy does this by appealing to a man’s pride — to his innate strength.

A man accepts the responsibility of forgiving  because he is a Protector. He is strong enough to carry the load. He has the built-in capacity to shrug off the ill-feelings and attacks of others, including his spouse.

Accepting responsibility can be likened to a warrior holding a shielding position; in other words “staying on the wall.” As a Protector, a man must maintain the higher ground so he can fend off any real dangers that threaten his spouse. Since he lives to protect her, holding grudges or fighting is not an option.

Taking on and living up to this responsibility will ultimately result in the loyalty, thanks and admiration he desires — praise that can only come after his spouse feels completely safe and secure.

Next up: Intimacy

Previous chapters: 1-A Fresh Start, 2-Compatibility, 3-Communication, 4-Moods, 5-Emotions, 6-Compassion, 7-Dissatisfaction, 8-Change, 9-Bringing out the Best, 10-Bringing out the Best, 11-The Source of Conflict, 12-Levels of Relationship

George S. Pransky’s book, The Relationship Handbook: A simple guide to satisfying relationships, is a lesser-known, self-published book that contains a number of good insights into building a strong marriage. This book is worth reviewing as a supplement to my book, The Sigma Male, while working to overcome the problem of Gender Role Reversal.

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.