Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 3 of 10: Insecurity

Book Critique Part 3, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn 

Part 3. Men are insecure

Feldhahn’s Take

Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.

The Sigma Male Says

Once again, this view puts the onus for change on women.

“If you could just give your man a little affirmation, it would help him be more secure and help his vulnerability. Help your man feel confident.” 

Oh, brother.

Most men are insecure! Why? Because even though a man might not be consciously aware of it, his genetic make-up screams at him when he is not acting like a Real Man, which makes him feel unconfident and insecure.

A Sigma Male is always secure and confident because he knows who he is and he is unafraid to act in his appropriate role. Incredible power, confidence and security comes when a man reestablishes his status as a Real Man. It doesn’t mean he is Superman or that he won’t make mistakes. But it does mean he has an inner confidence and calm that few others possess.

Next up: Part 4: The Burden of Providing

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect, Part 2: Anger

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: For Women Only, Part 2 of 10: Anger

 

Book Critique Part 2, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn

Part 2. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife

Feldhahn’s Take

When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.

The Sigma Male Says 

A man does feel anger and resentment toward his wife when he feels humiliated by her. This occurs when he feels he is doing everything in his power to deserve her respect, to no avail. In a disrespected man’s eyes, his wife is impossible to please, so something must be wrong with her! He lays the fault on his wife even though he has the power to resolve the issue.

In my experience, when a man understands the specifics of why his wife does not respect him, he can turn things around immediately. Understanding and truly believing he is responsible for any and all marriage problems allows him to repair those problems practically overnight.

Next up: Part 3: Insecurity

Earlier Posts: Part 1: Disrespect

Note: Feldhahn's book, For Couple's Only, is actually a compilation of two books: For Women Only and For Men Only. In this series, I analyze the first. The summaries of each point were pulled from this post, by Jim Burns.

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Dr. John Alexander is an expert on marriage relationships and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about the Sigma Roles in marriage, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Telling Your Wife What She Thinks

This week I stumbled across a great quote from comedian Bill Cosby:

While this may come across as irreverent, I think Mr. Cosby is on to something.

Most men tend to ignore their wife's problems because they believe her stressors are small, self-made, or imaginary. They figure should should take care of her own problems.

True, women are strong enough to handle things on their own, but that doesn't mean they don't appreciate a man who cares enough to understand what they need and then do something about it.

Consider this typical scenario:

Wife: I can't believe how rude Janie was to me today!

Husband: Uh-huh….What's for dinner?

Wife stomps off muttering under her breath.

Husband: What's with her?

Let's apply Bill Cosby's advice to the same scenario:

Wife: I can't believe how rude Janie was to me today!

Husband (in deeper voice): Janie was rude? What did she say?

Wife: She said I am always late and everyone was sick of it.

Husband (in deeper voice): She accused you of always being late?

Wife: Yes! And it was obvious that nobody else agreed with her. Susan just rolled her eyes and mouthed "I'm sorry."

Husband (in deeper voice): Man! I can't believe she would think she could speak for the whole group.

Wife: I know. I'm rarely late. I just had to swing by the school on my way to the meeting because Chris forgot his lunch today.

Husband (in deeper voice): Well, it really sucks to get blamed for something when you were just trying to take care of your kids.

Wife: Right! It really pisses me off.

Husband (in deepest voice yet): I can tell you're upset. Maybe I should give her a piece of my mind.

Wife (hugging her husband): It's OK. I just needed to vent.

A critical skill that men need to learn is active listening, or rephrasing what is said to show that you understand. In other words, hearing what your wife thinks and repeating it back in a deeper voice.

Try not to parrot back what you hear word for word — although you might have to until you get comfortable with this technique. After a while you'll find that when you pay close attention, it's easy to lead a conversation when you can restate what your wife is feeling.

The first thing your wife wants is for you to understand what she's going through and that you're there for her.

The second thing she wants — but won’t tell you — is a man who's capable of taking care of a problem. That doesn’t mean you’ll actually have to solve every issue that comes up, but the fact that you CAN will instill a great deal of security and confidence.

Always be sure to close a session of active listening with an offer to help. Most likely your wife won't feel the need to accept your offer but she will always appreciate the fact that you're willing to act, if necessary.

Remember: Your wife doesn't want to hear what you think. She wants to hear what she thinks — in a deeper voice!

Updated 10/11/2014

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Taking Total Responsibiilty for the Dance

I often compare marriage to a dance partnership that requires a strong lead. When a man knows how to fill this role, both partners will enjoy the dance. But when he doesn’t know the steps things get uncomfortable in a hurry. When a couple is stumbling across the dance floor, all a man can see is his partner’s missteps — it’s hard for him to recognize that not knowing the right steps makes him a poor partner.

In his excellent book, Excuses Begone!, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer addresses this principal perfectly. In chapter 8 he asks the reader to consider the following question:

Am I willing to take total responsibility for all the conditions of my life?

He goes on to say:

In the 1st century a.d., slave-turned-philosopher Epictetus offered this wisdom: “It is the act of an ill-instructed man to blame others for his own bad condition; it is the act of one who has begun to be instructed, to lay the blame on himself; and of one whose instruction is completed, neither to blame another, nor himself.”

Blame must be supplanted by a willingness to look at everything that occurs in your life and choosing to think, I attracted and created it all, and I am happy to take full and sole responsibility for all of it. As an ancient Hindu proverb reminds us: “He who cannot dance claims the floor is uneven.” If you can’t dance, that’s your choice. But if you want to get out there and enjoy yourself, there’s nothing holding you back…except your excuses.

 

If your wife is stepping on your feet, consider this: Have you mastered the steps of your marriage dance? Are you a strong lead?

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his  Facebook page, and follow him on Twitter.

Book Critique: The Relationship Handbook, George S. Pransky, PhD, Part 1 of 15

George S. Pransky's book, The Relationship Handbook: A simple guide to satisfying relationships (ISBN 0971198802), is a lesser-known, self-published book that contains a number of strong insights into building a strong marriage. This book is worth reviewing as a supplement to my book, Dragonslayer, while working to overcome the disease of Gender Role Reversal.

As you'll find in most relationship books, Pransky focuses on the topics of understanding and communication--both important elements of forging successful relationships. His general thesis is that the cause of relationship distress is insecurity; thus, "the cure is understanding the psychological thoughts, feelings, and states of mind" in order to overcome that insecurity.

I agree that understanding the cause of a couple's insecurity is important to cure relationship problems, but Pransky never dials in on the exact cause of that insecurity: Gender Role Reversal.

Nevertheless, his book is worth reviewing as a supplement to helping men overcome the disease of Gender Role Reversal.

Chapter 1: A Fresh Start

Pransky's Take

Most marriage counselors employ low mood therapy: a model that suggests that analyzing problems and living patterns will change them. But analyzing problems only makes you an expert on problems. Low mood therapy creates a downward progression that is not productive.

Instead, Pransky subscribes to high mood therapy: a focus on "engag[ing] the thoughts we have in high moods—insights, non contingent positive feelings and big-picture perspectives." High mood therapy allows couples to have a "fresh start." The therapist is responsible for "explain[ing] personality and mood distortions and show[ing] how misinformation damages relationships."

Moods affect our mindset: our way of thinking and perceiving. If we can recognize that a certain mood is distorted, we can "think" our way clear. Therefore, feelings are merely a barometer for whether we are experiencing a mood distortion.

In short, "'issues' in marriage are symptoms and not causes of disharmony." Pransky believes that our psychological functioning can be compared to Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. When we are in a healthy state, we behave like Dr. Jeckyll. After a mood distortion, Mr. Hyde comes out; therefore, we need to be able to foster a healthy psychological state in order to keep our "Jeckyll" side in control.

The Sigma Male Says

Pransky really has me nodding in affirmation when he discusses the difference between low mood and high mood therapy. From my own experience, there's nothing less productive than dredging up problems in a marriage. After a while, you get the feeling that the therapist's job is to agree with both of you. As long as the counselor is able to moderate, you may feel like you're making some progress. Take away the therapist and you are left to figure things out on your own. What previously seemed to make sense in the counselor's office just becomes a further source of contention.

I also like Pransky's Jeckyll/Hyde analogy when he states that "it only takes one Jeckyll to move a marriage toward health;” so true because it is almost always the husband who is the cause of all marriage problems — a theme you will hear me repeat over and over.

I agree that mood affects mindset, and mindset is the "steering wheel" for a happy life and great relationship. Recognizing a "mood distortion" is critical, BUT YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE CORRECT WAY TO ACT after that recognition.

Many men recognize a mood distortion and then attempt to do whatever they can to get back on track with their wife. But they end up repeating the exact "niceties" that caused the problem in the first place. To use Pransky's parlance, these men experience a THOUGHT distortion. They think what they are doing will make their wife happy. But they are sadly mistaken. She doesn't just want them to be nice; she wants them to be a Man!

Until men can realize that they need to change their beliefs about what their wife wants, they can never fix their relationship—at least not permanently.

Next up: Compatibility

13 Ways to be Happier, Part 2 of 2

Last post I reviewed the first half of an article titled 13 Ways to be Happier. The first seven items were in line with The Sigma Male. Let's check out the rest of the list.

13 Ways to be Happier, continued

8. Let go of trying to impress other people

Whipped men worry about what their friends think, so they downplay their devotion to their wife or badmouth her to their friends. A Sigma doesn't care what his friends think. He is unashamed to demonstrate his love for his wife. Ironically, the friends of a whipped man pity him while wishing they could trade place with the Sigma.

Check.

9. Let go of your excuses

If your relationship is not what you want it to be, what excuses are you still holding onto? Excuses are directly tied to blame—a failure to accept responsibility. A Sigma must take responsibility for the state of his relationship

Check

10. Let go of trying to always control

A weak man claims dominance through coercion or domineering behavior, because it is the only way he can gain it. A Sigma offers leadership and protection; therefore, dominance is granted to him, even when he doesn't seek it.

Check.

11. Let go of the past

Focusing on the past is the focus of therapy—low mood therapy to be specific. Focusing on your problems makes negative thoughts the center of your world. I believe in focusing on the possibility of a fresh start. What will you do from today on?

Check.

12. Let go of resisting change

Marriages don't start out unhappy; they become unhappy. They change! If things can change for the worst, they can change for the better.

Check.

13. Let go of living life to other people's expectations

What type of relationship do you want to have? Modern men have come to believe that they must behave a certain way--if they don't, they are relics from a past era. This line of reasoning supposes that male dominance is linked to chauvinism. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Men are born Protectors. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Check.

At its core, this list offers sound advice, but I think it complicates a simple process. Here's my shortened list:

3 Ways to be Happier

1. Accept responsibility for your lot in life

2. Fill the Roles your were born to play (Man, Husband, Father)

3. Fill the needs of those you love (Protect, Provide, Preside)

The rest will take care of itself.

13 Ways to be Happier, Part 1 of 2

A friend sent me a link to a post titled 13 Ways to be Happier. If you spend a lot of time reading self-help literature, it won't be long before you begin to hear the same things over and over. Does that make them valid? A good test for any advice is to see if it holds true across all aspects of your life.

Let's see if this list passes muster for a Sigma Male.

 1. Let go of complaining

The law of the harvest states that you reap what you sow. IF you're constantly negative, you will attract negativity. I've heard men moan about how nice their wife used to be compared to how mean she is now. After listening to their incessant griping, it's not hard to imagine why their wife has changed over time.

Check.

2. Let go of having to always be right

A frequent difficulty encountered by men I coach is their insistence that they haven't done anything wrong--they are right and it is their wife who needs to change. The inability to look at your own faults makes it impossible to move beyond your present limitations. In order to be a Dragonslayer, you must accept this belief: You are 100% responsible for your marital problems, regardless of your wife's faults. This means you must give up your need to always be right!

Check.

3. Let go of any self-defeating ideas

I just can't make my wife happy. It doesn't matter what I do. She will never change. I'm so unappreciated.

Sound familiar? Let it go!

Check.

4. Let go of fears

What type of fears do men bring to their relationships? Their wife doesn't really love them? She might find somebody better? She might be right?

You don't have anything to fear if you focus on protecting your wife physically, emotionally, and socially. Women love Protectors--it's what they want!

Check.

5. Let go of attachment

The author's focus in on material items--not people. Men who believe that they can please their wife with material goods are barking up the wrong tree. Focus on giving a woman what she needs—not on filling her every want.

Check.

6. Let go of criticism

A Sigma Male protects his wife emotionally. Any form of criticism constitutes an emotional attack. It's hard to slay your wife's dragons when you are a dragon yourself.

Check.

7. Let go of blame

Modern Men blame their wife for their unhappy marriage. If their wife would just stop stepping on their toes, the dance would be much more enjoyable. If their wife would grant them more sex, they would be happy. She doesn't because she knows it won't solve the problem. Giving up blame goes hand-in-hand with always having to be right (see #2).

Next post: Happiness list, 8 - 13