Focus and Compassion

Yesterday, I shared Dr. George Pransky’s observation that compassion protects human beings from each other’s frailties. To have compassion, we need to be able to look beyond a person’s negative behaviors and strive to understand the motivations behind them. What’s the best way to do that?

In his latest book, Focus: The Hidden Driver of Human Excellence, Daniel Goleman makes an interesting observation:

On average, people’s moods are generally skewed to the unpleasant while their minds wander; even thoughts that have seemingly neutral content are shaded with a negative emotional tone.

And when our minds wander:

“Me” reflects the activity of the default zone. Mind wandering tends to center on our self and our preoccupations and more often seems to gravitate to rumination and worry. Ruminations generate a background of low-level anxiety.

At this point, a man might be apt to think, “A-ha! My wife is fretting too much; she is only thinking about herself. She needs to stop being so self-centered and then she will feel better. Oh, and I’ll feel better too."

Unfortunately, this modality of thinking — while unhealthily satisfying from a self-righteous point of view — does not improve either the current situation or the relationship at large.
Goleman makes another point that can help steer us to a different conclusion:

Emotional reactivity flips us into a different mode of attention, one where our world contracts into fixation on what’s upsetting us. Those who have difficulty sustaining open awareness typically get caught up by the irritating details like that person in front of them in the security line at the airport who took forever to get their carry-on ready for the scanner — and will still be fuming about it while waiting for their plane at the gate. But there are no emotional hijacks in open awareness — just the richness of the moment.

When taken together with Pransky’s observations on the need for for having compassion, a new paradigm emerges:

When your wife is upset, you must be present in the moment (have “open awareness”), and to do that, you must learn how to FOCUS on the right things.

When a woman complains, how many men do the exact opposite, allowing their minds to wander to “happier” places until the voice in the background fades into a dull, droning murmur? That is a sure recipe for disaster.

In contrast, neuroscientist Richard Davidson says:

The capacity to remain with your attention open lets you attend with equanimity, without getting caught in a bottom-up [inattentive] capture that ensnares the mind in judging and reactivity.

In other words, giving proper FOCUS to your wife’s concerns allows you to avoid knee-jerk reactions, which is key in developing compassion. So, the next time your wife is distressed, dial in and pay attention to what’s actually causing the distress. I guarantee you'll feel much better.

Oh, and so will she.