The Destructive Effects of Self-Pity

Want to improve your relationship? The first step is to quit being a victim and take complete responsibility for the status of the relationship — even if you’re convinced you’re not at fault. ESPECIALLY if you think you’re not at fault. Why? According to Dr. Margaret Paul, self-pity (being the victim) demonstrates a lack of strength:

• Self-pity gets you off the hook from having to take responsibility for yourself. If you see yourself as a loser or unlucky or not good enough, then you don't have to take loving action in your own behalf.

• The hope of self-pity may be to make someone else feely guilty enough to take responsibility for you. Self-pity is a form of control - to avoid making mistakes, and possibly failing, by getting someone else to feel sorry enough for you, or guilty enough, to take care of you.

It’s impossible for your partner to feel completely secure when you act weak and needy.

The choice is simple: Whine like a victim or protect like a Sigma. The happiness of your relationship depends on it.

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

 

Defusing a Drama Queen

For help defusing a drama queen, read this article (via Unstuck).

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Where Are All the Strong Men?

A commercial featuring a strong female soldier filmed at a military camp — what’s not to like?

A better question: Why do commercials featuring strong women feel the need to denigrate men?

In this commercial for Navy Federal Credit Union, the group is literally up the creek without a paddle:

 

Apparently, this woman had to save the day because of the imbecilic shenanigans of “Campbell,” who, the woman says, will be the one left in the garage next time. Whether Campbell is this strong woman’s weak, dumpy husband or not, he still ends up looking sheepishly at his feet as she exclaims “Seriously?”

Wow! This “strong woman/weak man” model (found in countless other recent sit-coms and TV commercials) STILL hasn’t run its course. Oh boy…

I’ve written extensively about this modern trend in advertising (for example, here and here), so what else can I say? Well, answer this question:

What would happen if the same ad aired with the roles reversed?

Imagine Campbell, looking fit in his sharp military gear talking about the failings of some inept, dumpy woman. Guess who’d get left in the garage after that commercial… Feminist outrage? You better believe it.

As I see it, most men have become so afraid of feminist backlash that they would rather ignore this issue than risk saying anything “controversial.” But I have no problem speaking up.

Let me be clear: Kudos to strong women everywhere, including those in uniform — but can women only succeed when men fail? I don’t think so.

Unfortunately, I have to admit that the fault for this trend lies squarely on men’s shoulders, since television and movies tend to mirror society rather than map out its future. In their rush to support women’s rights, men have stepped away from the masculine roles that enhance a true partnership. I believe these types of ads exist because more and more of these kinds of men have become the norm.

And believe me when I tell you that getting left behind in the garage is the least of modern men’s worries. It’s high time modern men woke up and smelled the coffee…because women have already had a cup and are on their way to work. 

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

"My Wife is Such a Baby"

Although the names have been changed, the following story is true.

EXAMPLE: JOE (42) & JULIE (44), MARRIED 12 YEARS

ROLE IN QUESTION: SIGMA PROTECTOR

Situation

Julie nicked her finger preparing dinner. The cut was minor — just a drop of blood.

Problem

Eight years prior, Joe had been in a serious car accident that landed him in the ICU for over a week. His recuperation and rehabilitation took over a year. He understands what real pain and suffering feel like. Joe’s difficult rehab has made it hard for him to empathize with other people’s “inconveniences.” He thinks Julie routinely overreacts when she suffers a minor injury.  

Joe’s Typical Past Reaction

Before he learned the Dragonslaying Skillset, Joe would have said, “That’s nothing. Take a look at what a real injury looks like,” while lifting up his shirt to reveal his extensive scarring.

Recommendations

Joe had been ignoring this type of Protector dragon for years, not realizing that his wife interpreted his reactions to her injuries as non-protective and uncaring. I reminded Joe that his duty was to protect his wife from all dragons, whether small, self-inflicted, or imaginary.

This time, Joe was prepared with the proper response. As soon as his wife announced that she had cut her finger, Joe grabbed a towel and applied pressure to the cut, saying, “I’ll bet that smarts. Small cuts are the worst.” After the bleeding stopped (about 10 seconds later) Joe applied a Bandaid to her finger and “kissed it better.”

Final Notes

Although this incident seemed insignificant at the time, Joe’s Sigma reaction was the genesis of a one-week relationship turnaround. He was amazed how Julie responded to his new-found status as her Protector. They reported feeling like they were newly married again.

Remember, if your spouse can’t trust you to protect her in small ways, what would make her think you’d have her back during a big threat? 

Are there issues that create anxiety or pressure in your relationship? Email me the details and I’ll address your concern in a future post.

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.

Sigma Lyrics: Carole King's "Where You Lead"

Telling Your Wife What She Thinks

This week I stumbled across a great quote from comedian Bill Cosby:

Read the updated post here.

Book Review: The Relationship Handbook by George S. Pransky

George S. Pransky’s The Relationship Handbook: A simple guide to satisfying relationships is a lesser-known, self-published book that contains a number of good insights into building a strong marriage. Although he splits his message into 15 chapters, his message can basically be distilled to a single idea: The cause of relationship distress is insecurity; thus, “the cure is understanding the psychological thoughts, feelings, and states of mind” in order to overcome that insecurity.

This thesis fits well with the Sigma Philosophy but as is the case with most counselors, Pransky never manages to identify the true source of a couple’s insecurities. Nevertheless, his book is an excellent companion to The Sigma Male, especially if you want to explore changing your state of mind.

By request, here are all 15 parts of my review. For your convenience, each post contains links to each post.

 1-A Fresh Start, 2-Compatibility, 3-Communication, 4-Moods, 5-Emotions, 6-Compassion, 7-Dissatisfaction, 8-Change, 9-Bringing out the Best, 10-Transcending Problems, 11-The Source of Conflict, 12-Levels of Relationship, 13-It’s Never Too Late, 14-Intimacy, 15-Commitment

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Dr. John Alexander is relationship expert and the author of The Sigma Male: What Women Really Want. To learn more about Sigma Coaching, visit his website, subscribe to his blog, “like” his page on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter.